Thursday, November 10, 2016

Five Months (and Four!)

Five months with our little sunshine boy! We call you that because you are the sunshine of our home. When everything seems crazy and chaotic we just look at you and you smile big and remind us how lucky we all are to have each other. You have been mommy's sidekick and a serious trooper. You are in your carseat every day because we take Jax to preschool and I feel bad waking you up so much to put you in (and take you out) of the car, but you are happy through it all! One time I walked over to your side of the car to get you out (I thought you were sleeping) and slid the door open to see you looking at me with a huge grin! You're my little guy and I could never imagine my life without you. Your brothers and daddy love you too. I am constantly telling Jonah to "be soft" and "be careful" and "put him down!" but none of us can get enough! 

You are four and five months:

-A little while after you turned four months (maybe closer to five) I gave you your first taste of rice cereal. You HATED it! You got the funniest expression and spit it right out! Your little eyebrows go up and you just look me right in the face. It's the cutest thing! I thought you would get used to it, but you didn't. You still hate cereal! We've tried rice, multigrain and oatmeal and you hate them all! haha! I'm thinking it's the texture that you don't like. Your first fruit was peaches and you ate them a couple times, but now I can't get you to eat them again. I haven't figures out yet if you're picky with food, or just picky with when you're fed. Sometimes you eat a ton and sometimes you won't eat much. You usually like to eat at night and you'll eat a lot. Mornings...not so much. Your favorite foods are sweet potatoes, bananas, peas, and carrots. I also gave you homemade stew and chicken noodle soup and you LOVED those. Whenever we are eating you get really excited and start moving all around. I think you just want grown up food! We just need some teeth to come in! 

-Speaking of teeth, I think you have been teething for like two months! I feel so bad. You have given me two hickeys biting and sucking on my neck! You can stick almost your entire fist in your mouth. I think they are working their way up, but nothing has popped through yet. I feel so bad. You had a while where we were giving you Tylenol at night because you seemed like you were in so much pain, but that has mostly passed. 

-You are a good sleeper! We have had some crazy spurts this last month (like up every 30 min to nurse!), but usually you just wake up once or twice a night. You sleep with mom and we cuddle all night. It's one of the things I look forward to the most every day. If you're a little restless, I just put my face next to yours and you calm down and we fall asleep together. It's been our special thing since you were a newborn. I can't imagine ever putting you in your crib.

-You do really good in your carseat and really good in a stroller. We have taken a couple road trips with you and you don't like to be in the car for long periods of time. Mommy held you and nursed you a lot. A lot of the time, you were happy with me just next to you. Your brothers love to talk to you in the car. Jax sits right behind you and he loves to make you laugh and smile when we're driving! You almost always fall asleep in the car but you wake up usually when I get you out. You are a pretty light little sleeper!

-You are in 6-12 month old clothes! You are growing just like your brothers. You are skinnier like Jax and are in the 30th percentile for height and weight. Your head is larger though- just like all the rest of us in the family! :)

-You have started arching your back when you want to be picked up! I love it! You also arch your back when someone else is holding you and you want me. Sometimes you just lean your whole body! I love it! I can't wait for you to start reaching for me. 

-You love Tylenol and your vitamins! You're my first baby that does!

-You love to see yourself in the mirror! We have this mirror in our hallways downstair and we stop all the time and look at your. As soon as your see yourself and mommy you get the biggest smile! 

-You don't really care about holding things yet. We give you stuff sometimes to hold and you stick it in your mouth and then usually drop it! Your favorite thing to grab and hold is mom's hair!

-You love your brothers! One of your favorite things to do is sit on the beanbag chair and watch them play. Sometimes if I have to put you down to do something, I stick you in that chair and you are almost always happy in it.

-This last month you fell off the counter in your bouncer. It was one of the scariest moments for me! I couldn't get you to calm down until finally I got in the bath with you and you fell asleep on me (which scared me too) so we went to the doctor. You were fine, but I could tell your head was sore. You were such a trooper through it all. Mom just cuddled you and held you pretty much non-stop and you were normal the next day. We don't put the bouncer on the counter anymore! 

-(Besides that last thing) there has never been a time when I couldn't get you to calm down. You usually just want to be held or nurse. You LOVE to nurse and are a really good nurser. Sometimes you aren't even hungry you just want to nurse! And that is totally fine with me, because I love to nurse you! Sometimes we sit on the rocking chair in your room (and we don't tell the other boys where we are) and we just nurse and rock. Those have been some of my favorite moments with you. 

-You are starting to like to be held standing up! It's so funny because as I type this, you are on my lap and you are arching your back, wanting me to stand up with you! haha

-You LOVE to be swaddled! It's so funny because I've never regularly swaddled you, but I've noticed it's something that you love haha. You can be really fussy and I'll lay you on a blanket and start to swaddle you and you immediately smile! It's like you know you're about to be really secure and warm! Then I usually hold you and put our faces together and you fall asleep on mommy!


Sunday, September 4, 2016

3! 3! 3!

Oh Cashy Cash! In this last month, you have grown so much! And as I typed that, I wasn't even (that) sad (but I was a little sad) BUT it's okay because you are just so much fun and I would never want to go backwards. Today we were sitting in Sunday School at the Pinkhouse and daddy looked at me and said that he felt so connected to you at three months because you are have so much personality already. Usually dad's first favorite age is like six months, but you are just so smiley and fun and silly- we can't get enough of you. When someone else is holding you, I love to walk to where you can see me because you get the biggest smile on your face. You know who I am. You know who daddy is too. When dad gets home from work and you hear his voice, you immediately smile. I still have a hard time sharing you! I'm trying to be really good at it, but when someone else is holding you for a long time, I miss you a lot. You are so so loved by so many people. I hope you always always know that. Your brothers want to hold you and kiss you and be near you every second. In fact, at your two month appointment, the nurse had to ask them to back up because they couldn't stop kissing you! I look at you and feel so grateful you have two older brothers who will protect you and love you always. You're our little guy and I'll always make sure you know how much you're loved!

At three months you:

LOVE LOVE LOVE baths. No matter what, no matter where, no matter how fussy of a day it has been, I stick you in the bath and you are a happy camper. You immediately smile! You kick in the bath now and I wonder if it's fun for you to feel the water splashing around you!

You don't mind your nose sucker anymore and it's hilarious to me because I feel like you are just so used to it now, you kind of just tolerate it hahaha. You kind of raise your eyebrows and look startled and you look be right in the eyes, but you don't cry, you just kind of bare it hahaha. It's so cute! I always kiss a ton afterwards and feel so bad!

Your favorite place to be if you have to be put down is Jax's beanbag. It's comfortable for you and I think you like it because you are secure in there. Jax likes to adjust you and it slightly scares me but you love sitting on the beanbag in the playroom and listening to Jax and Jonah play.

You love books! Lately I have been trying to read to you a lot every day and you love to be read to and look at the pictures. Usually you will sit calmly for one or two books. You also love the TV...haha. I never put you in front of it, but if any of us are watching it, you immediately turn your head and try to see the screen. Sometimes I just set you down the opposite way of the TV so you can't see it- but it's pretty funny how you like to look at it if you can!

If you are fussy and having a hard time going to sleep, you like to be swaddles (minus your arms). You are such a cuddler so you always sleep better too if I put a pillow or two on your sides. I think because you are so used to cuddling with me or dad!

You sleep with us and we cuddle every night. I push you up by my head and you always reach your hand out so it's touching my cheek or arm and that's how you sleep best. I love how much you love contact. It has comforted you since you were born and I love it so much.

We have never needed a swing with you! With your brothers I used it so much, and we sold ours before you were born. Grandma Pat offered to buy us a new one for a baby gift but you were such a good newborn, I didn't think I would need it- and I haven't! You are so easy and don't really need to be swung or rocked. You do like to be held, but you are totally content just sitting on our lap or cuddling on our shoulder or being right next to us and listening to us talk. When I'm making dinner, I just put you right next to me and we talk and you are usually happy. And you are such a good sleeper, so we have never needed one during the night.

On that are liking to be held more and more. It's kind of funny, and I don't mind at all. Sometimes Jax even helps and you love your brother. It's so sweet! We put you in the wrap on Jax once and you loved it! Sometimes he reads or sings to you too!

You usually only wake up once during the night! If it's more than once, it's like three times...but usually just once! You go to sleep for the night usually between 10 and 11 and you wake up at about 8. Then you take a nap around 10!

You are SO SMILEY when you wake up (and all the time) your uncles are so in love with you and always want to hold you because of how cute you are and how much you smile. You smile at strangers at stores all the time and it's so fun because they are so surprised that a baby so little is so alert and responsive. It's so much fun to just sit and talk to you. I love to just prop you on my legs when i'm sitting down and talk to you!

You laugh a lot! We can usually make you laugh whenever we try! You don't really laugh at peek-a-boo yet, but you laugh when we look away and then look at you really fast and say "I love you!"

You wear 3-6 month clothes and they're getting kind of small! In some brands you even wear 6-9!

You love the wrap still, but you get sick of it sometimes and want to just be held out. You are wanting to be held facing out more and more, but when you are tired, you like to lay on our shoulders and fall asleep.

You nap really well at home, but when we're not at home, you don't nap as well. I love how you know where home is. You immediately get content when we walk through our door and you are so much more comfortable there. I love that.

We love you Cash man!

Friday, July 15, 2016


Cashy boy!

You are TWO MONTHS today. I would never want to go backwards, but every day I soak you in as much as I can. I never want to forget you this little. You are still my cuddle bug. When we go places or when we are church, I put you in a little wrap on my chest and you just cuddle on me and sleep. I play with your little feet and your cute little head and you just sleep on my chest. It's one of my favorite things to do with you. My other favorite thing to do with you is pick you up under your arms so your cheeks squish on your shoulders and then I kiss the sides of your mouth and your cheeks over and over and over again and you smile HUGE the whole time. Today you smiled big when you were nursing for the first time. I have been waiting for that! You are a happy boy and we have a special little bond. I was thinking this month about how we have had so many special moments, just you and me. The first one was when I found out I was pregnant with you. I feel like we have had a special connection since then. I worried a lot about different things when I was pregnant with you and I'm just so happy I get to hold you and cuddle you and kiss you every day whenever I want! Sometimes I still can't believe you're here. I love you so much!

At two months you...

still sleep right next to me! In the middle of the night when you get fussy, I cuddle close to you so you can feel me right there and you usually fall right back to sleep. Sometimes all you need is to feel my hand on your arm and you are okay! Oh! And you wake up a lot more now during the night :) two or three times!

love love love your Solly wrap and baths- those are your two favorite things!

don't take long naps. Mostly you like to be held which I honestly love. I love that you want me to hold you more and you know when it's me picking you up. You will sleep for hours in the Solly wrap but not long on the couch or the bed or in your little seat. You like to be in the wrap, or held. Sometimes you will take a long nap, but during those times, your brother Jonah usually climbs on top of you and startles you and your arms go straight out at your sides because you get scared and you wake up...

are really calm on Jax! And sometimes on Jonah. Every morning, Jonah still sings you the morning song! When Jonah holds you, he likes to pat your stomach and move you a lot and you don't love it...haha. Jax loves to put blankets around you and prop you up "like a grown man," he did it once and you loved it, so whenever you're fussy and he's the one right next to you, he tried to do it to make you happy!

don't like daddy's beard... but he shaved it last night! Yay! It was so cute because he was holding you on the bed right after, kissing you, and talking about how smooth your skin was! It was the first time he felt it in two months!

know when we are home. You are definitely the most calm at home.

don't like to be held cradled like a little baby. You like to be up against my shoulder so you can look all around, but still be really close to me! I always stop in front of the mirror in our hall so I can look at your cute face squished on my shoulder!

your baby acne is all cleared up! Aquaphor is the best.

are in 0-3 and some 3-6 month old clothes. I got these really cute 3-6 month old clothes before you were born and the shirts looked so huge to me! I put one on you yesterday just to see how it looked and it TOTALLY fit! I couldn't believe it! You are still so tiny though!

are you chunky! I LOOOOVE IT. You have little arm rolls and I am in love with them! I kiss them all the time. I love changing your diaper too because I get to see your chubby little thighs. You have this little fuzzy hair on your arms and sometimes I can see it if we're in the right light and it makes me just want to eat you! I cannot get over how perfect you are. Sometimes at night when daddy and I are watching a movie I just can't stop staring at you and I turn to dad and say, don't you just want to stare at him?! How is he THIS cute and perfect?!! You are pretty cute and perfect!

really do not love your carseat! If you are tired and fall asleep, you are fine, but when you get mad, you are MAD. You have a different mad cry than your brothers. Yours sounds like you are grinding your teeth and you start blowing bubbles and your face gets really red! I usually just nurse you in a parking lot because your cry is sooo sad. When I walk over to your door I know your face is going to be red like a tomato with bubbles all over your chin and it always is! I get you out of your carseat as fast as I can! We did drive to the lake house though and you did soooo great on that trip! I held you and nursed you a couple times, but other than that, you were an angel baby!

love to lay chest-to-chest. It's my favorite way to hold you. Sometimes if I scoot you low, you look up at me and smile. Those have been some of my favorite moments with you.

If someone else is holding you and you hear my voice, you usually smile or try to turn your head to where I am. I love that you know who I am and usually want me. You are so easy though and are usually fine no matter who is holding you, but if you are fussy, you are only calm on me, sometimes even if I don't nurse you right away!

are starting to move your head a lot more. You turn it from side to side a lot better now and your neck is getting SO strong. We don't really do tummy time in our family because we hold you up against us so much that you so "tummy time" that way hahaha

Today it was so cute. We were eating pancakes for breakfast and I was sitting on the floor next to you because you were in your seat. I kept talking to you but you were looking a little lower than where my face was. But all of the sudden you found my face and you got the biggest smile! It was the best thing ever. It made me so happy!

We sure love you Cash. Dad said the other day "I don't even remember life without Cash." It's so true. We can't imagine life without you. So glad we finally have you in our home. You are so so loved.

Thursday, July 14, 2016


Shoot! I posted these pictures and then I forgot to write about the Fourth for so long! The Fourth is always one of my favorite holidays because all of us siblings and cousins are together at the lake for the first time in the summer (except for the ones on missions). The college kids always come. I remember brining McKay when we were engaged to the lake when I was in college. This year was the same and so much fun. The family is getting so much bigger, sometimes it feels like we are two separate families, but we always get together for meals and card games (which I don't play usually) and sports. This year I was actually included in sports which was abnormal. Grandpa has worked for months and months on the huge tennis court and we all drove down the hill to the house and were like in shock because it looks like a court that like professionals would play on. That may sound like an exaggeration but i'm not kidding. It's insane. So so cool. McKay and I are trying to change my label from "ditz who sucks at sports and is always last picked" to "surprisingly good and underestimated." I practiced tennis with McKay a lot this weekend and kind of got better but not really. Jax and Jonah loved the water and the waverunners. They loved the trampoline too and Jax started doing front flips which freaks me out! We ran through the sprinklers and rode the quads and played at the pond. The boys LOVED feeding the turtles! This was Cash's first time at the lake too and he was so cute. We would just lay with him in the shade by the water and he would fall asleep on the blanket. I just tried to soak him in as much as I could. He rode the boat too and wore a lifejacket and was so cute and such a trooper. He didn't even cry until he got splashed by a giant wave that pretty much flooded the boat. I just carried him around and cuddled him pretty much the whole time. He bathed in the sink- pinkhouse tradition. Grandma made really good pies! My favorite thing about the Fourth! Pies are even better than the fireworks ;)

Thursday, June 23, 2016

On a bridge with my baby

I have never scheduled newborn pics with any of my babies, except for Jax. It's kind of sad and irresponsible but also, I think maybe it's subconsciously because my experience with Jax's newborn pics pretty much scarred me for life, haha. I won't say her name (cause I am super nice) but we had this lady take these portrait-style pics. She did it at her house. (She was actually really good and I love the photos of Jax.) But ANYWAYS, being the new, not-confident, don't-quite-know-how-to-comfort-my-baby-every-second-yet mom that I was, I could not get Jax to fall asleep for the session-so she had to take pictures in short, panicked, very time-sensitive spurts and I think that frustrated her. So then, after a couple hours of frustration she blurted, "HE IS THE SADDEST NEWBORN I HAVE EVER SEEN!" And it completely crushed me because I was desperately trying  to do everything I possibly could to comfort and console my brand new newborn and I just couldn't. I held it together for the rest of the session, but right when we got in the car I started bawling and I held him on my chest the entire way home (which I know, that's bad). And he was completely calm and he fell asleep on me. We just needed to get out of there. It was just awful. 

But I am a strong believer in a baby's ability to sense calm. Which is one of the reasons that I loved this newborn session we did, just as a family. We brought a tripod but never got it out because we had parked illegally and were rushing of course! I'm kind of sad we have no pics of the five of us. But Cash was totally happy and these were genuine sweet moments I never want to forget. We made him be naked under that little romper and he was such a trooper! Story of his life. Trooper easy baby boy. We love our Cashy-Cash. 

And FYI I did put him in his carseat after this non-traumatizing session. ;) 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Look what I found: A love letter from a year ago

I remember being worried when you didn’t take out the garbage. Since we were married in July, we spent a month living at my grandmas, waiting for the next semester of school to start. You were working and I worked sometimes. You came home and some nights I had tried to make dinner. I remember my mom coming over and showing me how to make enchiladas and chicken crescent squares for you. So I usually cooked and then we did the dishes and one day the garbage got full. But you didn’t take it out. I didn’t know how to ask you to in a way that wouldn’t instantly label us as a husband and wife with duties and expectations so I did it. But it worried me. it worried me because you didn’t notice it. it worried me because you watched me do it and you didn’t care. And it worried me because I thought that for the rest of our lives I would have to take the garbage out- which translated to- I have to take the garbage out, open my own doors, carry my own suitcases, and etc. forever and ever because my husband doesn’t know how to be a gentleman. So the next day when I picked you up from work and you let me pump my own gas at the gas station I got back into the car and cried. And you just hugged me and apologized- confused- and probably a little alarmed. But you promised me you would never let me pump my gas again if you were in the car. 

That first month we laid on that bed upstairs and talked a lot. I remember wondering when our humor would parallel more than it did- when I would understand the things you thought were funny and think they were funny too. I remember running on the beach during our honeymoon and waiting to take a bunch of pictures of us, but feeling awkward making you pose a hundred times. Of course we played and laughed and cuddled all through those first weeks, but that’s not what I’m thinking about now. I’m thinking about laying on the upstairs bed at my grandmas house on our sides, looking at each other and wondering when we would develop into these people that fit seamlessly. Who laughed at the same stuff and loved the same movies and could talk without speaking. I told you everything I was thinking- always and probably too detailed. But that’s the thing about me and the thing about you. I have always made you listen to everything on my mind. And you’ve always been able to take it. Since our first week together you would listen and smile and tell me whatever it was was okay. Whatever I thought or felt was fine. You would understand, you would wait, you would be what I needed. And I remember you holding my hand on the bed right then, telling me that that you loved me and that everything I wanted us to be, we would. 

I got pregnant with Jax three months later, and let me just fast-forward this a little and say that any newlywed awkwardness went out the window when you caught my puke in your hands on our cruise. When we found out we were having a boy, I cried for an hour. I told you I didn’t know how to be a mom to a boy and than I cried harder because I was crying. You pulled our car into a parking lot and reached into the back seat and handed me a box with a cupcake in it. You let me say whatever I wanted to and you told me that there was nothing wrong with any of it. you hugged me and told me we were going baby boy clothes shopping and then you drove me straight out of our little college town to the closest mall. 

One Christmas I got sick of all our ornaments we had picked the first year of marriage. I wanted everything silver and gold. Jax was little and we put up our tree and I hated it. I wanted to go to Target that night to get different ornaments. I had this vision in my head and it had to be done that night. It was probably 11 and you didn’t want to get Jax in the car and go because it was late. So we stood in our downstairs with our Christmas stuff in a mess by our feet, and I was mad at you. you stood there and looked at me and I remember being frustrated not being able to explain to you why it was so important to me. I knew you didn’t get it. and you still don’t and you still wouldn’t- but just the same, you told me you wanted everything just how I imagined it and that you loved me and hated fighting with me- and you put on your shoes and you drive me to Target- and then Fred Meyer and then WalMart. You waited with Jax and then smiled when I opened the car door and got in with a WalMart bag of ornaments at 12:30 at night. 

All of these moments were dumb. I’m embarrassed to write them. I keep reading over them and the more I do, the more stupid I seem to myself. We’ve had big moments too. Parents divorcing, siblings struggling, etc. Situations that are actually hard and they should be- when we are at the same level. When we hold hands and are on the same page and see eye-to-eye. But those aren’t the ones that define you to me. The stupid things do. The stupid things that you didn’t have to do, but you did. Taking me to get Christmas ornaments at 11:30 at night. These are the best things I could think to write that show you. Because you have never met me half way. You always come to where I am.

When we were dating and in leadership at school together, I used to get kind of jealous sometimes. We were excited this one weekend for an overnight retreat- because of weather and stuff it didn’t go as planned, but we had breakfast together on campus and I remember you didn’t sit by me. I sat by my friend and we watched you go from person to person, making sure everyone felt included and special. I remember watching you around other people and sometimes feeling like your little sister. I have told you that before and you never get it- you think it’s weird. But it’s because I look up to you so much. It’s because when you would talk to everyone and then look at me and smile or drive me home afterward, I felt like the luckiest girl who had ever lived. You would drop me off and I would wave from my townhouse parking lot and wonder how I could keep you just to myself. I felt like that this morning. 

Jax ran into our room and my phone was dead on our nightstand. I didn’t know what time it was. I told him to look out the window to see if your car was still there and he said it wasn’t. I rolled over and rubbed my eyes and could hear Jonah awake in his crib. I wondered what time it was and how long ago you had left. But then you were in our room- with hot chocolate and donuts and a love note scribbled on the back of a piece of paper. You said “Happy Anniversary!” I had completely forgotten. I hadn’t even known what the date was. You didn’t care. You hugged me and kissed me and gave me a gift and then you left for work. 

We’re close now in the way I used to want. And you know me- because you come home sometimes and look at me and immediately take the kids out to play. And after I spend 45 minutes “getting ready for bed” in our bathroom, you are still awake, waiting for me on our bed because you know I fall asleep better when you’re awake. Sometimes I walk upstairs to the pile of laundry folded- the pile that I have moved on and off our bed for five days straight. Or you cancel a golf night with a friend, because you know I needed you when I didn’t even ask. And we will be driving and say something totally random at the exact same time. Or come up with the same crazy idea for dinner. And we finish each other’s sentences now and speak without talking. We laugh at all the same things. We know each other’s friends and understand each other’s families. Everything I wanted before, we have. Some of it has come with time, some of it is because of you. 

I think I’ll probably always feel like I can’t give you back enough. To sit across from you when you’re mad at me and tell you that I don’t care why we’re fighting, that I just love you and that’s all I care about. That’s you- and probably something I’ll always try to be. But what we have now is so much better than the image of us I hoped for in my mind. Two people, exactly alike and exactly the same- that's not what I want anymore. I want you because you're better than me. You're exactly what I'm not, and everything I need.

*written almost a year ago right around our anniversary, never posted. And now I love you even more!
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