Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Take with a grain of salt. and a brownie.

old house

So last week when I was watching Real Housewives...
(you know this next part will have lots and lots of validity...lol)
it was said that moving was right under "death of a loved one" on the stress scale. Stupid and I don't believe it, but holy cow I hate moving. You should see my house right now, but please don't come because it's a disaster. I have learned something about myself. You know those people who literally can not do anything until everything is in order? That's me. And that's a really bad person to be when you have two kids and a husband. That person should probably be unpacking boxes and vacuuming and organizing. But there just seems like so much stuff to do. Like so much stuff that it's just exhausting and even thinking about it merits a break. So you just mix another bag of Ghiradelli brownies and watch Frozen for the 4987 time and kind of soak in the stress (oh but P.S. our oven broke so now I can't do the most important part of that). I know that's a really weird metaphor, but that's how it feels. You know when you are in a hot bath and you're kind of uncomfortable and it's too hot and you could solve the problem by getting out- but the water just makes you all lethargic and lazy and heavy?? So then you just sit there. That's what this feels like to me. But I know if I could just like start. It's not the unpacking. I unpacked. It's the living life. Like getting back into a routine. A routine like making dinner, normal bedtimes, normal cleaning-my-house schedules. I just can't do it. I don't know why. I think it's the blue carpet you guys. Maybe i'm protesting the blue carpet by not cleaning it.

I feel bad for McKay. He's tired. About once every three days I pin him on the ground and I say to him Are you okay? Are you tired? I don't get how you're doing this.  And he laughs and turns his head and says, I am fine! I just want to get it done! And then he pushes me off me and goes to do a new task while I just sit there in awe of how he can get so much stuff done in one hour. It's not fair. Why can't I just get it done? I don't get it. Why is he so much more efficient then me? He works all day and then he comes home and works more. He's a way better human.

I don't feel like writing, but I feel like list-ing and I think that doing this will be way better at documenting stuff right now, considering I cannot form anything that flows.

So here you go, my thoughts in lists:

Things to whine about:

-babies teething all night and day
-stranger's hair getting clogged in drains that I have to unclog which makes me cry from the dry-heaving
-blue carpet
-husbands who fall asleep while i'm talking to them
-weekends that aren't weekends
-bright yellow and mint green blinds (WHAT THE HECK.)
-ovens that don't work
-being pale (I don't know but I just saw a reflection of myself today and I was like...omgsh)
-i miss date nights
-being too poor for date nights

I am really really hesitant to click "Publish" right now. Just because this post is really terrible. And this makes me look like just the worst person ever- which I am right now. But this thing is for documenting, and this is exactly how I feel. I keep wondering if I should include a gratitude list- but i'm honestly not in the mood. Just so you know, I am grateful for a lot of things-
our house, my cute kids, my cute amazing husband who I do not deserve, General Conference that we just had, the sun, and a billion other things. Maybe tomorrow I will make a gratitude list.

I should really stop writing on this thing at night.

Friday, April 4, 2014

All Moved!


Finally we are all moved! It feels so good! These last few months, everything has just been craziness and we are finally starting to get back into our groove. I finished unpacking and painting. Kidding! We will never be done painting- because I don't know if I told you guys this or not, but literally our entire house was yellow! Thanks to my fam and pro-painter hubs we have the main parts all painted and now I just need to do the boys rooms- which I can do myself (maybe...). This house feels homier to me- I think because it reminds me of the house I grew up in. It's right down the street even. And there's carpet in the bathroom. Just like the house I grew up in. It just feels worn-in and I kinda like it. It's not all bare and pale and new like our other house was. I kinda like knowing that other families were here- watched movies downstairs, wrestled on the floor, ate dinner in the kitchen. I like the idea of that. Obviously not the germs. Obviously I don't love that the drain is clogged with someone else's hair (saving that for McKay when he gets home because I would prob for sure puke cleaning that.) And I don't love the blue/green/yellow/red shapes linoleum in the bathroom. But I kind of do. Because it kinda makes me think about the people who picked that linoleum, and the bright blue and yellow tiles to go with it- and were so excited for their bathroom vision to all come together. It's kind of fun to think about. And yes, I have already viewed a tutorial on how to remove it. But it's kind of fun. We like our new house and we are busy doing projects but we're alive and I will update this thing soon with all our adventures! ...or maybe just all the kinds of brownies I like because I have probably averaged a half a pan a day lately. It's sad and I have acne now. I still can't get myself together but my goal is to do it by Saturday! Wish me luck!


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

FIVE FIVE FIVE

yesterday

-You are really starting to hate your car seat- ESPECIALLY in the dark. Jax was the same exact way. Last night I even sat by you on the way home from Lowe's, and you still were sad the entire time.

-You are such a sweet boy and we can always make you laugh. Even when you are crying (like last night in the car) we can still make you laugh. Dad was sitting in the front seat and laughing because he could tell when you would switch from crying to laughing and vise-versa.

-You are semi-scared of your older brother, but also really love him. Jax is just craving to play with you every day. You are starting to hold toys now so he will bring you toys and try to include you as much as he can. I actually just had to stop typing this for a second because he was pretending to be a superhero and he actually just sat on you. If you hear him talking while you're nursing you have to immediately stop and look at him. You love him so much!

-You are getting at least two teeth and have been really fussy lately. It's so sad because I can tell how frustrated you are. You want to be held all the time and cry when you are put down. I definitely don't mind at all!...but it is not like you! I'm not sure if you're just sad because you are hurting or if you just want to be held more now. I love that you always want me though!

-You are starting to lean a little bit when you want someone. It is so cute, because you turn your entire body towards the person you want!

-You have tried rice cereal, peaches, and carrots. You love peaches the most!

-You rolled over for the first time one week ago. I am actually really sad about it because I missed it. You were at great-grandma's house and I was painting our kitchen. You had rolled before without moving your arm, but this time you moved your arm and everything! You have done it a couple times since. Stop growing! ...or at least wait for mom to see it!

-You still aren't a big cuddler- you LOVE to be held and placed with, but you never really cuddle into us. We love it when you fall asleep on us because then we can lay you on our chests and cuddle you!

-You love to jump on the bed with Jax. Jax always jumps on our bed and so dad started holding you and bouncing you too and you love it! You laugh and smile. I think it's because you feel like you are finally doing what your older brother is!

-You still sleep with us most of the night- except now, you are starting to turn! Last night I woke up and you were almost horizontal in the bed! It is so cute. And you are starting to sleep better really close to me, which I love. You like to sleep in your swing too (we don't keep it swinging). I almost feel like you sleep better in there, but it worries me since you're not totally flat- so I try to avoid it. You have been up A LOT lately though, so some nights, it happens! I think when we move in a week we are going to start you in your crib!

-You have swung in a swing at the beach two times. It is the cutest thing ever and you love it! The first time you were laughing and then after a while you were ready to get out. Yesterday we went again and you were just so relaxed and happy. I was sad to take you out because you loved it so much for so long!

-One of my favorite things about you are your little hands. You always hold onto anything you can- our arms, our faces, our fingers. When you are in the bath, you hold onto my arms, or if I put my hand on your chest to comfort you, you grab onto my hand. You always hold my finger when you nurse. It is something so special that I love about you and it makes me feel like you are comforted to know we are right there.

-You are so easy at church! You just sit on our laps during Sacrament and then in all the kids fight over you in our primary class- even the boys! Dad and I take turns holding you and you just sit there quietly the entire time until you are hungry and then we go nurse. Sometimes I just in the mother's lounge with you longer than we need to. I love being in there with you where it is so quiet and comfortable. We just cuddle and you sleep and we listen to the speakers. I am bummed to leave that church building. The mother's lounge at our new building is freezing!

-You are tall and chubby for your age! Between 80-90 percentiles for both (too lazy to grab the sheet right now). But I just got you some clothes and I am getting you size 12-18 months! It is crazy! You have the cutest, chunkiest little body I have ever seen. Whenever I am putting you in the bath I stop in front of the mirror for a minute just to look at your perfect little rolly legs and bum. I just cannot believe you are mine. You are so perfect and I just want to eat you! I get excited to change your diaper because I get to see your little bottom and thighs.  I squeeze them every day!

Friday, March 14, 2014

I seriously should be sleeping right now.


Hi! I'm done paining! Can I have a pat on the back please? Painting is seriously the worst thing EVER. Remember when I had to clean all the blinds in my house and I actually cried because it was so tortuous? Painting was almost that bad. But now I am a happy girl because the whole new house is painted and so are the kitchen cabinets (minus the cabinet doors). The house is no longer yellow. 
This last week has been bitter sweet. Sweet because of all the projects we are working on. I love making our new home ours. I can't wait to get in there, unpack our stuff, light a candle and just cuddle, us four, on our couch...and breathe. The being-so-busy is the only bitter part. I miss my boys. They have been babysat a lot. It's sad. Jax has been mean to me because he thinks I keep abandoning him. He keeps hitting me and then being really clingy and then mad at me again. I can't say enough how much I can't wait for everything to be back to normal. 
I was sitting on the couch next to McKay tonight thinking back to a month ago when we would look at each other and say, I love our life! Just out loud to each other. I was thinking about it actually because McKay said it to me tonight. When he said it, I was kind of thinking uhh..why...Obviously my brain didn't get too deep into that thought, BUT I have been a huge downer lately. I am exhausted. I'm sore. Jonah doesn't sleep. Jax hates me right now. My fridge is in my garage so I have to put on shoes and go out there every time any of us are hungry. I'm just like blah. I want to lay on the couch and watch a movie and then sleep for 10 hours straight. But then I don't want to sleep because I need "me" time. But then I need time with my kids because I miss them. But I'm so exhausted. 
Welcome to my brain. 
But then tonight something happened. I had been gone almost all day- I got home with Jonah and I went up to our room and it just felt clean. Which was weird. And then I noticed something! I noticed McKay had folded the MOUNTAIN of laundry on our bed. I'm not even egaggerating. MOUNTAIN. So so so many clothes. The biggest pile I have had in my house. He folded all of it! He came home from a stressful day of work where he had to to a huge presentation he's been nervous about, took Jax so I could get stuff done, folded all the laundry, did all the dishes, and built a fort. I heart him. That was the best part of my whole entire day. I hope when I am old and lose my mind I at least know who McKay is and that he is the most perfect man for me in the whole entire world. Because he is. And I'm glad he is not a whiner like I am. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Love You Every Day



I love you when you make a mess
I love you when you scream
I love you when you first wake up
I love you when you dream

I love you when you're sticky
And when you jump and climb
I love you when you're naughty
I love you when you whine

I love you when you color
on carpet or in books
I love you when you laugh at us
I love your silly looks

I love you when you sleep on me
and when you pull my hair
I love you when you're up all night
Or won't sit in a chair

I love you when you make me laugh
I love you when you cry
I love you when you point at birds
or airplanes in the sky

I love you in your jammies
I love you on our couch
I love you when you're on my lap
I love you in our house

I love you when you're close to me
And when you're far away
I love you if you're small or big
I love you every day.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Becoming Mom


I don't feel wordy anymore. ever. I keep writing paragraphs and deleting them. But I want to get back in the swing of this- so I'll write- with the TV on and sleeping husband and baby on the floor. Today Jax was wild. Just crazy! He ran around the house and danced and sang and YELLED and told me to tell him a story about "little boy say stop talking." He still says that to us, "stop talking." We used to put him in his room every time, but lately we've just dropped it. Picking our battles, you know! I remember when Jax first entered this stage. Right before Jonah was born- and McKay and I were both thinking what is going on. what is going on?! this is a phase and it will end. But it wasn't a phase. The two's just hit us. The "terrible" two's. And I won't pretend they're not sometimes terrible. Do you know that one time I was so frustrated that I actually just stuck him in our garage for a second? Just opened the door, stuck him out there, and shut it. There have been hard days. But lately (knock on wood) I think we are getting the hang of the two's. And I've realized that more than anything what he needs is time. Quality time. Just him and me. It's so simple and maybe not the secret for everyone, but definitely the secret for us. I've said this before, but ever since I've ditched the chore list things have changed in our house. And I think it's perspective. And he has gotten easier. So much easier. But he hasn't changed. Just me.
Two babies can be hard. And so much harder than their actual physical needs are the emotional. How in the world can I possibly give them each the time and love they need. How? Seriously.
I remember going to Costco with Jax and Jonah when Jonah was about two weeks. Jax was so easy, but Jonah started screaming and nothing would calm him except to nurse. So I yanked up my shirt and nursed him right in the pharmacy department (do you guys even know how comfortable I now am with my boobs in public? I'm literally a hippie now). Anyways- an  older woman and her husband (?) were there and talked to me after I got him calm- and then we ended up in line together. We started talking about having two kids and she told me the hardest part for her had been trying to divide her love between two, and she got teary-eyed telling me. That's how I know she could feel it- even after her kids were all grown up. It is so hard. As a mom, you just want to give everything you have, everything. And I think that's why it's so easy to feel content in what we do. The world can say whatever it wants. It can tell you that motherhood is settling- or that it's a hindrance, or a waste, or lazy, or even almost absolutely nothing- just like this person who wrote the dumbest thing ever. But being a mom- including every interpretation of the word- is the absolute most exhausting, sacrificial, sacred, influential, and important thing we could ever do. And how can something that takes everything out of you and more, feel like nothing?
I feel like this post just went in two completely different directions, but...train-of-thought writing anyone?? I realize every post is about being a mom lately. I promise I still have funny stories. I still love McKay. He still lives here and we love each other. But being a mom to two has really made me a mom. I feel like with Jax I was teetering still. Balancing pre-mom me and mom me- and trying to make them somehow weirdly combine or mesh. I still had some free time so I could and I tried. But once I had Jonah, that was just done. I'm full-fledged now. And to really solidify that I am literally going bald. After having Jonah I am losing clumps of hair. CLUMPS. Like my hair dresser told me I can't have layers because there will be nothing there. But that's okay. It's fine and I don't care. So I'll spend my days with thin hair stacking legos on the floor and trying to figure out how I can possibly spread my love between two kids. And some days that last thing will be hard and I won't know how to do it. But the mom part and the territory that comes with it, I think is now the singular thing that gives me the greatest self-worth. And as for the thinning hair and bags under my eyes- I could not even care less.

Anywayssss those were a lot of thoughts... k, loveyoublog, goodnight!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

This.

 


Photos by Jamie Jones Photography

We went to Oregon this weekend to get family pictures and to visit McKay's grandpa on his dad's side. It was a nice little just-us-family-getaway from the craziness of moving and stressing to keep things clean and just the general blur that is my life right now. I feel like half my time is spent rushing to get things done and the other half is spent in a state of total recuperation. I don't like this. Some people thrive on it. Some people love change and movement and newness and I have realized that I am so not like that. I don't like limbo. I like to be settled. So being in a car with McKay and Jax and Jonah- with a destination and a plan last weekend felt finally settled. I love those three boys.

Our family pictures were Saturday morning and when they were finished I silently rejoiced. One more thing off my list. And seriously- I am not trying to act like the busiest person in the world- but I have been really busy, for me. After pictures we pulled into a grocery store parking lot, put on comfy clothes, got the "smoothie" we bribed Jax with and went to visit McKay's grandpa. After that we headed home. 

Now we are home. And it's amazing the amount of quality time I spend with my kids when I'm totally disconnected from our house. It's actually sad to me- that so much time was spent vacuuming and scrubbing and sweeping when I could have just been playing. Lately we have been leaving dishes in the sink, not being "so careful" eating, having picnics on the carpet, and leaving the house a total mess and going to the beach. It is seriously the best! I love it. And I vow to do a lot more of that in our next house. It's kind of like ripping a bandaid off (doesn't completely parallel with what I'm trying to say, but you get the picture). Totally not possible before knowing this house wouldn't be mine anymore. But now I know what I was missing. Here's to messier houses and lots more fun.

Each night McKay and I take turns telling Jax a story in his bed and last night it was my turn. I tucked him in and we faced each other and I told him a story until he closed his eyes. And at that moment right then he was so perfect. Just perfect. Way too perfect to come from me. And I thought about who he is and who he is going to be. And I realized again that this is the most important thing I will ever be doing in my life. And so lucky that this is what I am doing with my life. Being a mom. Picking up toys. Making french toast. Saying "no" and "be soft" and "be careful" and "I love you" a hundred times every day. Yawning and waking up at 4am. Holding tiny naked bums before bath time. Cleaning sticky messes and tracing little fingers and wiping chubby cheeks. Reading rhymes and watching airplanes and going days without makeup or a pair of heels (months without the heels. MONTHS). Replacing couch cushions and snuggling under blankets and scrubbing everything out of my carpet. Brushing little teeth and wiping up bathwater and tucking blankets around tiny little bodies.
And not that I am a perfect mom, because I'm not. I'm so not. Every day there is something I wish I would have done different. But if there is one thing I want to spend as much as my life possible doing, it's this. 
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