Thursday, June 23, 2016

On a bridge with my baby

I have never scheduled newborn pics with any of my babies, except for Jax. It's kind of sad and irresponsible but also, I think maybe it's subconsciously because my experience with Jax's newborn pics pretty much scarred me for life, haha. I won't say her name (cause I am super nice) but we had this lady take these portrait-style pics. She did it at her house. (She was actually really good and I love the photos of Jax.) But ANYWAYS, being the new, not-confident, don't-quite-know-how-to-comfort-my-baby-every-second-yet mom that I was, I could not get Jax to fall asleep for the session-so she had to take pictures in short, panicked, very time-sensitive spurts and I think that frustrated her. So then, after a couple hours of frustration she blurted, "HE IS THE SADDEST NEWBORN I HAVE EVER SEEN!" And it completely crushed me because I was desperately trying  to do everything I possibly could to comfort and console my brand new newborn and I just couldn't. I held it together for the rest of the session, but right when we got in the car I started bawling and I held him on my chest the entire way home (which I know, that's bad). And he was completely calm and he fell asleep on me. We just needed to get out of there. It was just awful. 

But I am a strong believer in a baby's ability to sense calm. Which is one of the reasons that I loved this newborn session we did, just as a family. We brought a tripod but never got it out because we had parked illegally and were rushing of course! I'm kind of sad we have no pics of the five of us. But Cash was totally happy and these were genuine sweet moments I never want to forget. We made him be naked under that little romper and he was such a trooper! Story of his life. Trooper easy baby boy. We love our Cashy-Cash. 

And FYI I did put him in his carseat after this non-traumatizing session. ;) 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Look what I found: A love letter from a year ago

I remember being worried when you didn’t take out the garbage. Since we were married in July, we spent a month living at my grandmas, waiting for the next semester of school to start. You were working and I worked sometimes. You came home and some nights I had tried to make dinner. I remember my mom coming over and showing me how to make enchiladas and chicken crescent squares for you. So I usually cooked and then we did the dishes and one day the garbage got full. But you didn’t take it out. I didn’t know how to ask you to in a way that wouldn’t instantly label us as a husband and wife with duties and expectations so I did it. But it worried me. it worried me because you didn’t notice it. it worried me because you watched me do it and you didn’t care. And it worried me because I thought that for the rest of our lives I would have to take the garbage out- which translated to- I have to take the garbage out, open my own doors, carry my own suitcases, and etc. forever and ever because my husband doesn’t know how to be a gentleman. So the next day when I picked you up from work and you let me pump my own gas at the gas station I got back into the car and cried. And you just hugged me and apologized- confused- and probably a little alarmed. But you promised me you would never let me pump my gas again if you were in the car. 

That first month we laid on that bed upstairs and talked a lot. I remember wondering when our humor would parallel more than it did- when I would understand the things you thought were funny and think they were funny too. I remember running on the beach during our honeymoon and waiting to take a bunch of pictures of us, but feeling awkward making you pose a hundred times. Of course we played and laughed and cuddled all through those first weeks, but that’s not what I’m thinking about now. I’m thinking about laying on the upstairs bed at my grandmas house on our sides, looking at each other and wondering when we would develop into these people that fit seamlessly. Who laughed at the same stuff and loved the same movies and could talk without speaking. I told you everything I was thinking- always and probably too detailed. But that’s the thing about me and the thing about you. I have always made you listen to everything on my mind. And you’ve always been able to take it. Since our first week together you would listen and smile and tell me whatever it was was okay. Whatever I thought or felt was fine. You would understand, you would wait, you would be what I needed. And I remember you holding my hand on the bed right then, telling me that that you loved me and that everything I wanted us to be, we would. 

I got pregnant with Jax three months later, and let me just fast-forward this a little and say that any newlywed awkwardness went out the window when you caught my puke in your hands on our cruise. When we found out we were having a boy, I cried for an hour. I told you I didn’t know how to be a mom to a boy and than I cried harder because I was crying. You pulled our car into a parking lot and reached into the back seat and handed me a box with a cupcake in it. You let me say whatever I wanted to and you told me that there was nothing wrong with any of it. you hugged me and told me we were going baby boy clothes shopping and then you drove me straight out of our little college town to the closest mall. 

One Christmas I got sick of all our ornaments we had picked the first year of marriage. I wanted everything silver and gold. Jax was little and we put up our tree and I hated it. I wanted to go to Target that night to get different ornaments. I had this vision in my head and it had to be done that night. It was probably 11 and you didn’t want to get Jax in the car and go because it was late. So we stood in our downstairs with our Christmas stuff in a mess by our feet, and I was mad at you. you stood there and looked at me and I remember being frustrated not being able to explain to you why it was so important to me. I knew you didn’t get it. and you still don’t and you still wouldn’t- but just the same, you told me you wanted everything just how I imagined it and that you loved me and hated fighting with me- and you put on your shoes and you drive me to Target- and then Fred Meyer and then WalMart. You waited with Jax and then smiled when I opened the car door and got in with a WalMart bag of ornaments at 12:30 at night. 

All of these moments were dumb. I’m embarrassed to write them. I keep reading over them and the more I do, the more stupid I seem to myself. We’ve had big moments too. Parents divorcing, siblings struggling, etc. Situations that are actually hard and they should be- when we are at the same level. When we hold hands and are on the same page and see eye-to-eye. But those aren’t the ones that define you to me. The stupid things do. The stupid things that you didn’t have to do, but you did. Taking me to get Christmas ornaments at 11:30 at night. These are the best things I could think to write that show you. Because you have never met me half way. You always come to where I am.

When we were dating and in leadership at school together, I used to get kind of jealous sometimes. We were excited this one weekend for an overnight retreat- because of weather and stuff it didn’t go as planned, but we had breakfast together on campus and I remember you didn’t sit by me. I sat by my friend and we watched you go from person to person, making sure everyone felt included and special. I remember watching you around other people and sometimes feeling like your little sister. I have told you that before and you never get it- you think it’s weird. But it’s because I look up to you so much. It’s because when you would talk to everyone and then look at me and smile or drive me home afterward, I felt like the luckiest girl who had ever lived. You would drop me off and I would wave from my townhouse parking lot and wonder how I could keep you just to myself. I felt like that this morning. 

Jax ran into our room and my phone was dead on our nightstand. I didn’t know what time it was. I told him to look out the window to see if your car was still there and he said it wasn’t. I rolled over and rubbed my eyes and could hear Jonah awake in his crib. I wondered what time it was and how long ago you had left. But then you were in our room- with hot chocolate and donuts and a love note scribbled on the back of a piece of paper. You said “Happy Anniversary!” I had completely forgotten. I hadn’t even known what the date was. You didn’t care. You hugged me and kissed me and gave me a gift and then you left for work. 

We’re close now in the way I used to want. And you know me- because you come home sometimes and look at me and immediately take the kids out to play. And after I spend 45 minutes “getting ready for bed” in our bathroom, you are still awake, waiting for me on our bed because you know I fall asleep better when you’re awake. Sometimes I walk upstairs to the pile of laundry folded- the pile that I have moved on and off our bed for five days straight. Or you cancel a golf night with a friend, because you know I needed you when I didn’t even ask. And we will be driving and say something totally random at the exact same time. Or come up with the same crazy idea for dinner. And we finish each other’s sentences now and speak without talking. We laugh at all the same things. We know each other’s friends and understand each other’s families. Everything I wanted before, we have. Some of it has come with time, some of it is because of you. 

I think I’ll probably always feel like I can’t give you back enough. To sit across from you when you’re mad at me and tell you that I don’t care why we’re fighting, that I just love you and that’s all I care about. That’s you- and probably something I’ll always try to be. But what we have now is so much better than the image of us I hoped for in my mind. Two people, exactly alike and exactly the same- that's not what I want anymore. I want you because you're better than me. You're exactly what I'm not, and everything I need.

*written almost a year ago right around our anniversary, never posted. And now I love you even more!

Thursday, June 16, 2016

One Month

Oh Cash. Everyone is so obsessed with you. I watch your brothers with you, and know I will never have to worry about any shortage of friends or people looking out for you. As I type this, I keep saying Jonah, stop! because you are right next to me on the floor, in your seat, and Jonah is in your face kissing you and talking to you and bouncing you, making sure you are happy. The car he has been fighting with Jax over all morning is on your side, and I know he put it next to you probably so you could "play wif" it. 

At One Month, you

Love to be swaddled! Your brothers never liked to be, but you do. At night I wrap you up really warm, and put my cheek against your forehead, and we fall asleep!

Are a really good nurser. You're not the best latcher. Usually it takes us a couple times. You have been nursing less for a lot longer than you did at first!

You only wake up once a night usually! This last week you have had kind of a stuffy nose which really frustrates you. You HATE your nose sucker. I try to avoid using it because you scream so loud, it wakes up daddy, but sometimes we just have to.

You are still in 0-3 clothes, but not for long! They were huge on you when you were born. I can't believe you are already out of them almost! They aren't quite too small yet, but we are getting there. I am guessing next month! It makes me sad, but you have a bunch of cute 3-6 month clothes, so it's okay I guess :) 

Every morning we cuddle with our faces really close right when you wake up. You are really really intent on people's faces, especially mine. It's something special about you and one of the things I love so much. You look right into my eyes and lately you have been smiling so much when you do it. Which reminds me...

You are SO smiley. I think you have smiled every single day since you have been born! The last couple days I think I have been getting you to smile a little. Two days ago I was kissing your face all over and you kept smiling when I was doing it. You smile a lot when I kiss your lips and cheeks. Sometimes I'll be kissing you and I feel you start to smile and it's my favorite! You have the best smile! Your smile kind of reminds me of Jax's. Yesterday Jonah was holding you in your little bouncer seat and you were just smiling. It was so sweet!

When we put Jax and Jonah to bed, dad and I take you downstairs and cuddle you. We take turns holding you. Dad used to just let me hold you and I never really had to share, but lately he's been taking you from me! He loves your chubby cheeks (they are starting to get chubby!) It's really cute because dad can tell I want to just snuggle you but sometimes (like last night) he says, "can I hold him?" and I always give you to him because he misses you a lot during the day.

I always bragged about how easy of a baby you were (and you are!) but you are liking to be held lately. I don't mind though. I love holding you! Last night I was trying to hurry and clean once you three boys fell asleep and you woke up screaming, wanting to be held. I picked you up and you immediately stopped. I love it though. I love knowing that you know me and want me to hold you. I left you with dad last Sunday when I went to Ward Council and I came home and you were crying. Right when I took you, you immediately stopped. I hope you'll be a momma's boy like your brothers! I think you will! 

You used to hate being changed and you would scream every time, but you are doing that less and less now. I try to hold the wet wipes in my hand before I wipe your bum because I think they are just too cold for you. You also don't love your carseat. Those are probably the two things you really don't like- besides the nose sucker. 

You LOVE LOVE LOVE baths. I couldn't wait for your cord to fall off so I could bathe you. You took your first bath with your brothers that day and you all loved it. Jax loves token you warm and pour water on your tummy and Jonah just wants to be right next to you at all times. You hate being naked, but right when I put you in the warm water you get instantly calm. I think you have pooped in your last three baths hahaha. You love baths with mommy too. It's one of my favorite things to do with my babies. Our first bath, you just stared at my face, completely calm while I held you. It was one of my very favorite moments with you so far. 

You love your wrap. We have gone shopping and to Jax's ball games and to the beach yesterday and you are really content in it (also a first for me with my babies). You just lay on mommy and sleep the entire time. I love it!

You sleep with me every night and take naps on our bed. We don't use your nursery. Maybe when you're one! :)

You are so so so loved by your brothers, and you love them too. I've been so surprised at the amount of times they can just calm you when you are fussy and I think you just want to eat. Whenever you cry, I know your brothers will race to wherever you are. The other day you were kind of fussy, but Jax really wanted to hold you, and you fell asleep right in his arms! I think you feel how much they love you. 

You have the prettiest features on your face. I think that if I had to pick someone, I would say you look the most like Jax, but I think you have a look all your own! Grandma thinks you look like your daddy. Auntie Chris thinks you look like ME (that's a first so I had to write that down!). Most people I think have said you look like Jax, if anyone. But everyone says you have a look all your own! You have big pretty eyes that we can't tell if they will be blur or brown, and the prettiest lips. Your hair is dark and you are getting dark little eyebrows! You used to have more hair, but you're getting a little bald on the top! haha

There are so many other things that I will add as I think of them, but right now your brother Jonah is playing in your bouncer trying to do a "backflip" and you are sleeping on my bed, so I should probably shower! We love you our little Cash boy. Your dad gave me a blessing the week before you were born and in it he said that we already had a special love for each other and a special connection. I feel that every day. I'm so glad you're my baby boy. 

Newborn Life

Last night we had Jax's very last T-ball game of the season. I laughed a little because when it was his last turn to bat, McKay goes, "Hit it hard! This is your last time batting ever!"Ha ha. I think he was kidding but... :/  I promise I'll never force him to quit something but holy cow, t-ball/baseball/softball is BORING. How moms of boys sit through 15 years of it, I have no idea. I will be selling basketball and soccer HARD these next 10 months. Aside from the 5% of the game when Jax was batting or doing something, it was the same feeling as watching commercials. But he's really cute. And just so I don't sound like the worst mom ever, he got bored too. By the end of the game, the kids in the outfield were usually playing in the sand or just lying in it. haha. At the beginning of this season, I was really pregnant. McKay would skip lunch and come home from work an hour early to take him to practice because I couldn't be pregnant and wrangle Jonah who would usually be stripping and throwing dirt the whole time. We let Jax skip a practice or two. One Monday I was in the kitchen and Jax goes, "Mom, I don't want to go to practice tonight..." And I said, "Why not?" And he said, "Because all the kids laugh at me when I do the karaoke..." It was so cute and sad. One of the drills the kids do is the "karaoke" or the grapevine (or whatever) and most of the kids just kind of skip sideways, but Jax tries really hard. So he's usually the last one to the other end of the field, with the coach karaoke-ing next to him, attempting to show him how to do it. It's stinking cute. But it's all over now. DANGIT. 

The adjustment to three kids haven't been as hard as I thought it would be. I'm tired, but not as tired as I thought I would be. At the end of pregnancy, I got into a bad habit of telling the boys in the morning to, "Go watch Netflix and play on your Kindle!" when they woke up at 6:30am (sometimes it was 7:30...still.) I have so much more energy now than I did then. We still don't always wake up "together" but i'm working on it. Cashy is a good sleeper. He usually eats around midnight and then wakes up one more time during the night. We cuddle all night. Jax made me breakfast in bed one morning haha. It was so cute, but I have trying to figure out excuses why I don't need it every morning because there were peanut butter and toast crumbs EVERYWHERE. 

Most days I feel like time is just flying. But those hours from 3-5 are looong. Once we get the boys in bed, I finish up last-minute things and sit on the couch and eat 1-2 smores. It's so gross. Last night I was literally disgusted with myself. But I think it's because I don't have time to eat much during the day so I just graze and then by the night time I just want to eat all the crap in the house. Last night McKay was doing Elders Quorum stuff so I got all the boys sleeping by around seven and then rushed to clean the kitchen and sweep and do the laundry. It reminded me of when I was little trying to sleep and I could hear my dad vacuuming downstairs. It's funny because I used to get so mad at him for doing that and being so "loud." haha. IT'S THE ONLY TIME. Three kids is easier than two because I've wayyyy lowered my expectations for myself. In fact, I have almost no expectations. Keep the kids fed and happy. That's pretty much it. And wash my hair sometimes. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

A Cash Story

Getting pregnant with Cash took a little longer than we were used to. We knew last summer that we were ready for another little baby, but it didn’t happen immediately. We had taken a pregnancy test together on our last vacation of the summer and got a negative, so the next pregnancy test I took, I decided to take alone. I had plans with a friend that day and knew I couldn’t go another day without knowing and I couldn’t wait for McKay to get home either. So I took the test and tried not to look at at and mentally prepare myself for the negative. I think after about twenty seconds I looked, and the word “pregnant” was already faintly appearing. It didn’t feel real. I just cried alone in my bathroom and said prayer after prayer of gratitude. When McKay got home from work that day and I told him, I could tell he was a little bummed that I hadn’t waited for him. This was the first “big” thing that I had done alone, without telling him. But those minutes in the bathroom when I was completely alone are some of the most sacred and special I have ever had. From that moment, I felt like Cash and I had a private and special connection. Those very first minutes with my baby boy were ones I will never forget.

My pregnancy went fast. It seems like it was last week that I was hanging pictures from our ultrasound on the fridge, and they are still there! The pregnancy test is still in the kitchen drawer too.. haha. But everything just flew! I wasn’t as sick this time. Actually, I don’t think I ever really threw up like real puke. My mom made dinners a few times and I was super super tired. But by the time I was 38 weeks, I couldn’t believe I was there already. At 37 weeks I had taken a test and tested positive for Group B Strep. It was the first “not normal” thing that had happened to me during a pregnancy, so I was worried. And of course, I had gone home and googled it, so I was really worried. I knew I needed four hours of antibiotics during labor and I was worried I wouldn’t get there in time. Jonah came really fast and I thought that this baby would probably be faster.

The Friday night before Cash was born, I was having the pressure contractions about every seven minutes. It felt like what I felt with Jonah, so we decided to just go to the hospital to be safe. We brought Jax and Jonah because I knew that whatever happened would take a while, but I kind of thought they would have me stay. They checked me and I was at a three, 70% effaced. The nurse had me walk for an hour and after no progression, sent me home. It was kind of bittersweet. I wanted my baby so bad, but we had left the house a total DISASTER. There was stuff everywhere! We had gotten a new microwave and so our old was was like on the floor but we hadn’t installed a new one. There were dishes in the sink and I hadn’t really packed a hospital bag- just thrown a bunch of stuff in a garbage bag! I just wanted to be more ready. So we went home, and spent that Saturday getting everything done. We went to IKEA and got a dresser, and went on a date to Azul. It was the perfect getting-ready-for-our-baby Saturday!

That night we went to sleep, thinking the next morning we would be going to Tanner’s mission farewell. My contractions had been the irregular pressure contractions, so I was kind of thinking I would make it to my Tuesday appointment, then I would be admitted that day. But in the middle of the night (around 3am) I woke up with a painful contraction. I didn’t completely recognize what it was at first. I walked to the bathroom and back to our bed a couple times, and then at about 3:30 decided to just start recording my contractions. I got out my phone as I was lying next to sleeping McKay, and typed out “3:31.” After that, they were anywhere from 7-14 minutes apart, but they were painful. After about an hour, I was in the bathroom with the light on, and I think that kind of woke up McKay, then Jonah came into our room. I told McKay what was going on, and he probably said something like “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” And I told him if I had one more, I was calling my mom to come stay with the boys. Then I had another one and I think still didn’t call her. I said the same thing again, and when I had another one, I called her! She was over within about two minutes (maybe one!) and we left for the hospital.

When we had gone Friday night I was rushing McKay the entire time. I made him illegally pass a car on the boulevard and drop me off at the front and park by himself- but this time I didn’t rush. I felt happy and excited and really calm, but this time it felt right. This time it felt like we were going to have a baby! I was still worried about the four hours of antibiotics. McKay had actually given me a blessing the week before because I had been so worried and in the blessing told me to trust doctors and family. I had talked to Bishop Lindstrom and my doctor, Dr. Dau. Dr. Sharmaud even called me from Utah. All of them telling me there was nothing to worry about. But I was still pretty worried.

They got me checked into triage and in a bed fast. The nurse that took me back was a little…different. I was kind of worried and McKay and I kind of looked at each other like uhh… but I tried to just trust her, UNTIL she talked to me about triage stories and her neice and other random stuff that you don’t care AT ALL about when you are in labor and took a good 20 minutes (plus the time that it took her to put on and re-put on her glove) to check me. Finally she did, and she looked me right in the face and goes “OH WOW. THE BABY’S HEAD IS RIGHT THERE. YOU ARE AT AN 8 TO A 9.” And at that point I just calmly just exhaled and said, okay, can I have my epidural now please?  At that point, I was worried about the pain, but I was mostly worried because I knew that if I didn’t get the epidural, there was nooo way I would make it four more hours. So I needed the epidural so I could get the full dose of antibiotics. The nurse responded with, “I don’t know if you’ll getting an epidural, but we’ll try.” And I looked at McKay and he went into to husband-with-wife-in-labor-mode. He left the room and told pretty much every person he saw “MY WIFE NEEDS AN EPIDURAL. NOW.” They wheeled me in my bed to the room and I noticed the little bassinet right away. I remember feeling so excited, and like I could not believe this was it. I couldn’t wait to hold my baby, but I was so worried I wouldn’t get the antibiotics so he would be safe. Some emergency had happened, so the anesthesiologist was really busy. McKay kept going into the hall to try to get things going faster, and I remember looking at him and knowing he was worried but didn’t want to worry me. He just smiled and said that things would be fine. I was just praying my water wouldn’t break. And when everyone left the room McKay came over by my bed and we held hands and said a quiet prayer together that things would work out and that I would make it four hours. Soon after that, the anesthesiologist came in. I remember just telling her I loved her, like ten times. And I was really excited about “the button” because I had never known it was there before, and I was really excited I could keep giving myself drugs!

For the next four hours, we updated friends and family and talked and tried (but couldn’t because I was too excited) to sleep. After four hours, they gave me the second dose of Penecillin, and broke my water. I gave the button a couple clicks because I was worried breaking my water would make contractions a lot harder. With Jax and Jonah, even though I had had an epidural, I was still in a ton of pain by the end, so this time I wanted to really experience a full epidural haha. A couple girls had told me that they hated my doctor during labor because he had been so slow. So after he broke my water and said, “just have them page me when you think you’re ready to push,” I was like well, I think I can push now. So the dr and the nurse said “okay!” And we started pushing! I could feel his head and that burning pain started to come right at the end, but I was so excited, because I knew how close we were. I remember looking at the clock and thinking I need to have him before 10:35. I can’t make it to 10:35. And during one of the pauses, Dr. Dau asked if I would like to “help deliver” my baby, to which I responded, No! I am good! You can do it! But thank you! And after four contractions, he was out! At 10:35.

They put him right on my chest and I just couldn’t stop crying. He was so perfect and snuggled right into my neck. He cried right when he came out, and then stopped right when we were skin-to-skin. I just held him and no one even tried to take him. We tried to nurse and he didn’t really want to, so we just kept cuddling.

The nurse kept pushing on my stomach like they normally do, and I just kept snuggling my baby. After a few times though, she started to get worried because there was a lot of blood and it wasn’t stopping. At first I was kind of oblivious to it being a big deal at all, but then my doctor kept coming in and checking things and pretty soon there were a lot of worried-looking nurses, a doctor, and an anesthesiologist back in the room. They tried a couple different things in my IV to get the bleeding to stop, but neither of them had worked. McKay and I both realized that things were kind of getting serious, so I handed the baby to McKay and they put him in the bassinett under the warming light. I’m not sure if he needed it, but I think they just made up a reason to get him out of my arms so they could figure everything out. One of the nurses was trying to prep my arm for a (I think) port, so they could do a blood transfusion if they had to, but my veins kept blowing and it didn’t work. They weren’t telling us much, but were talking about doing a D&C to figure out what was causing all the bleeding and/or a transfusion. They put another medicine in the IV which made me puke like an entire bag. Things got bad and scary and stressful fast. I remember looking at McKay sitting on the couch and he just had this frozen scared-but-trying-to-be-string smile and I just felt so bad for him. And I remember looking over at the bassinett and seeing my baby’s little feet and arms moving in the air and just thinking that this was not what I had pictured. I just wanted to hold my baby. We said lots and lots of prayers and so did my family who were getting updates from McKay. After a while, the nurse started getting slightly less frantic. There was still a lot of blood, but it was less. So they held off on doing anything else. My dad was on his way to give me a blessing, and at that point, the bleeding had slowed down a lot more. I remember the nurse pushing on my stomach with the dr and McKay right by her, and when a lot less blood came out, they all cheered. Then my dad got there and he and McKay gave me a blessing.

It was one of the most special blessings I remember ever receiving. It was so specific and inspired and it felt good to have a blessing from my dad. It was really comforting. One of the things he said was that because of the way I had taken care of my body during my life, that it would respond the way it needed to, and that it would heal. And it made me so grateful for the Word of Wisdom. There are so many commandments we follow that I don’t always consider the blessings of. It was just a testimony to me of the numerous ways we are so blessed because of simple, seemingly small commandments we are taught and follow from the time we are born. Things we sometimes mindlessly do because we were always taught to, and don’t think about it much further than that. We know these commandments will affect our lives in the obvious ways, but don’t always realize that they will bless us in a hospital room, when we’re praying to have a quiet, peaceful moment with our brand new newborn in the midst of worry and chaos. But they do. They bring about huge, insurmountable blessings. I am grateful for a healthy body that can heal itself fast. 

My dad was the first one to hold Cash, and then soon after that, Jax and Jonah came with my mom and sisters. Everyone was excited and smiling and loving on our new baby (who still didn’t have a name! We were 90% sure it was going to be Tagg).

When everyone left, they moved me to a new room. I was sore and pretty weak and in annoying pain because of the stupid catheter they made me keep in, but I was so happy to be worry-free and in a room alone with McKay and my baby. We talked and rested and ate and then later grandma and grandpa came to visit. After they left, I had pretty much had it with the catheter. We had a sweet little Asian nurse who was probably in her 60’s and I remember thinking I could talk her into taking my catheter out. I usually don’t do stuff like that, but I was pretty determined so I pretty much begged her to take it out, and she smiled kind of nervously and said she would ask my doctor and came back into the room after a while and took it out. It was SOOOOO AMAZING. We slept that night cuddling (Cash slept so well!) and I remember being up all night because I was so excited and I just wanted to make sure he was safe. I don’t know why they give us a basinett. None of our newborns ever sleep in it haha. When the sun came up I was just waiting for McKay to wake up because I was still so excited and couldn’t sleep. We talked about a name. I had had Tagg in my head and kept calling the baby that. McKay was fine with it and wanted to post a picture for all his friends to see with our baby’s name. He was about to post it, but I told him to wait. I was kind of worried about the name Tagg. Kind of worried about what kids would rhyme it with in middle school- and just didn’t know if it felt totally right. And I knew that McKay wasn’t in love with it (and it turned out none of our family or friends were either haha). Cash had been in our mind, but was never the frontrunner. We started thinking about a middle name IF we were to use Cash. We were going to use Lee with the name Tagg, but it didn’t sound right with Cash. We started thinking about all the people we love and look up to, and I was sitting in the bed, and suddenly thought of McKay’s mission president, President Robison- who we have always really loved and who McKay has a special relationship with. His first name is Reid, so I asked McKay about using that for the middle name. McKay smiled and looked at me and we both said “Cash Reid” a couple times, and we knew that was the name.

We got to go home that afternoon, so most of the day was spent with checks and screenings and getting everything ready to go. I loved my nurse in delivery and I loved my nurse who was with me most of Monday. She made sure everything was smooth and was just really careful and meticulous and on-top of everything. She made me read two sections in the pamphlet about When to Call Your Doctor (which I don’t think I have ever read before), and I read something about “call your doctor if you have any pain in your leg, especially your calf.” And I had had a sore calf all day. I googled it (I HATE GOOGLE) and read about blood clots, so then I started to worry again. She checked my leg and said she thought it was okay. But I still worried. Then before we left I got a headache that went away when I laid down, so I was really worried it was a spinal headache. All in all, I was just worried about a lot of stuff, and I felt like I had been worrying about random things for a long time. And it was really frustrating, because I just wanted to feel completely at peace and be able to snuggle my newborn and only think about that. We got discharged at the same time as another family. The lady who just had a baby was walking to her car, holding her two-year-old and talking about the soccer game they were going to that weekend. I kind of wanted to just die. I was in a wheelchair, holding my baby in his carseat and lying my head against it because it hurt so bad. It was just not ideal. Hahaha.

We got home and I cuddled with Cash in my bed. I was still too excited lying next to him, so McKay came upstairs and forced me to take Tylenol and drink water, and took Cash away and told me to go to sleep. I fell asleep for at least an hour and woke up feeling so much better. My headache went away (which I think was just from exhaustion and loosing so much blood) and within the next few days I got an ultrasound on my leg- and no blood clot. It took a few days, but I finally finally was not worried about my baby, or myself. Just completely at peace. Jax and Jonah spent the night at my moms for a few nights and then that Friday, McKay took the boys to the father-son campout. That night my mom brought me my second cheesecake that week. Haha. Since then, every day has just gotten sweeter. Jax and Jonah’s adjustment was fast. Cash is a good sleeper. I feel a special and individual connection to each of my boys- something I didn’t think would come so easy. I haven’t had as hard of a time with splitting myself three ways as I thought I would. Jax and Jonah are so in love with Cash, and so are we. We put the older boys to bed every night, and take Cash down to the couch and just stare at him and talk about how perfect he is. He’s starting to get cheeks this week. We fall more and more in love with him every single day. There was one point in the hospital when I was worrying about so many things, and trying to sleep off my headache and I remember having this sweet, peaceful feeling that everything was going to be fine. That I needed to trust counsel I had been given in blessings and stop worrying. That nothing else I had read or heard was as reliable and sure as that.  I had been worrying at times that the Lord was going to make me go through a hard trial to be humbled or taught something. But in that moment I remember feeling like maybe that’s not the way He always teaches us. Maybe we can learn some things by just trusting in what has already been brought to our knowledge because He loves us. That we will trust in a peaceful answer we have already been given. That one of the ways He teaches us is just through a feeling of continual love and peace. The lesson comes through trusting in that. And aside from a perfect newborn boy, that is what I am so grateful to have taken away from Cash’s birth. The knowledge that I am not alone, and that I can trust in someone who has more power and knowledge and love for me and my family than anyone ever could on earth.

We love you so much Cashy boy!

Monday, May 23, 2016

My Three

Cash boy is a week and one day old today! I will spare everyone the "it's gone by so fast" line because it seems that it's been everyone's go-to phrase when talking to me lately. YES I know it goes fast, can I punch you in the face now? We are in complete bliss over here. Jax and Jonah love their little brother. They ask me if they can hold him all day. Jax is quite the little babysitter. He holds Cash while I quickly shower and he does so great. He's a little overconfident at times. The other day he was holding Cash on the couch and McKay and I ran upstairs really quick and all of the sudden we hear "Mom! I'm coming up the stairs!" McKay and I both freaked out a little inside but tried to stay calm so he wouldn't drop him! It reminded me of when Jonah was a newborn, sleeping on our bed while I was across the hall in our bonus room. Then suddenly my two-year-old little Jax popped up in the doorway, holding his newborn brother. Scary! But Jax loves Cash so much. We have made lots and lots of "rules." We're still working on following them...

Cash is a dream baby. He wakes up either once or twice a night. He's a good nurser. He's a cuddler. If he can't sleep at night, I lie him right on my chest and we can both sleep for hours like that. I feel like I can't get enough of him. It still feels weird to have him not in my tummy sometimes. I feel like I just can't get close enough. I'm always amazed at the amount of love I feel for my new babies. It's a celestial kind of love. Yesterday in ward council we had a training and we talked about how on this earth, even though it is a telestial place, we can still experience terrestrial and celestial joy. It totally resonated with me. Because every time I bring a newborn baby home, I just can't imagine ever feeling that much joy and happiness and fulfillment in any other circumstance. I sincerely don't believe it's possible. How can any feeling ever be better? Maybe in heaven we just relive the days when we have a newborn. That would be my heaven.

Cash smiles all the time in his sleep! More than I think Jax or Jonah did. He never has cried unless he's hungry. He's just so perfect. Jax and Jonah are still adjusting. Today Jonah told me that I have "two babies" and I pulled him onto my lap and said, you're right! You are mommy's baby huh? I thought I would feel more guilt trying to split my attention, but I haven't as much as I thought. Cash is so easy, that it's easy to split myself three ways. McKay is the one who gets not much attention. We always tell each other we miss each other when we have a newborn haha. But anyways! Jax is at t-ball and Jones and Cash are sleeping- so this is precious time! I'll write more soon.
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