Sunday, September 21, 2014

babes


McKay has brought up a baby a couple times. Today we got home and he said "so do you think it's going to be a long time before we have another baby?" What?! I said. Are you worried about it?  hahahahahaha. And honestly we haven't had any long conversations about this. Just little moments where I'm like nope, not baby hungry yet! But McKay's taking it hard. I think he wants a baby. Who knew that the guy who said that I had to count ten pregnant women at church before we could have Jaxers would be so baby hungry. It's really cute and I love it. But i'm not ready yet. Never thought I would say that! Let's sleep through the night at least two times in a row first! 

And this post by the way is in no way foreshadowing anything. Just thought McKay was really cute!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Stages


This week is over. What a long long long week. Last week, we all got sick- so this week was like recovery, catch up, try to be normal but you're not feelin' it yet, etc. Draining. I don't know what it is, but ever since i've started blogging again, i've just wanted to lay it all out on here. Too much I think, that's what journals are for maybe? But there's something about a blog and knowing someone's reading it. Someone's maybe in the same boat or feeling the exact same thing. I think i'm having some honest writing withdrawls. Everyone might just have to deal with me and my girlie hormones until about day 12 when it's all out of my system. Then we can talk about clothes or crap I want to buy at Anthro or whatever again.

I feel like I have no friends. I have never had a time like this ever in my life. It's so weird. I grew up with people I stayed close to forever. I started college with girls who were just like me and became like my sisters. And then all of the sudden we got married and moved back to Seattle and there is just no one here I click with. Some weeks I don't care. Some weeks I am just busy and focused on my kids and my home and my life that nothing even crosses my mind. But this week, for some reason it did. I'm grateful for a permanent best friend who kisses me on the forehead and talks to me and laughs at my stupid jokes. But boys are sometimes gross and annoying. And I need some girls around here.

We talked a lot this week about life (McKay and I). About the future- school, kids, friends, etc. We feel kind of in limbo. Like were in that limbo between teenager and adulthood. Let me rephrase that- we are definitely adults...with the maturity of adults?...maybe. We were talking today about our kids. Talking about how we don't ever want to see them go through a hard thing and wish we would have done more. More to teach them and prepare them- tried harder to be better examples. It was like one of those moments where life hits you. When you realize I have arrived here! I am here with my husband in a house with two kids. This is everything. And it's the most important spot I have ever been in my whole entire life. The time I waited for and hoped for and dreamed about. It's here. And I wonder every day if I'm doing it good enough. If I play enough or do enough activities or set a good enough example of service and friendliness and fun.

General Conference is next month and I have never been more excited for it. I want to curl up on my couch in pajamas with a cinnamon roll and soak it all in like a sponge. I feel desperate and hungry for it right now. I am going to punch McKay so hard in the arm if he even starts to fall asleep. I love General Conference because it puts everything into perspective. You start with lots of questions. You may feel overwhelmed. You may wonder how you can possibly make everything fit together. You may wonder if you will ever feel peace or find an answer or a solution or feel adequate. But somehow, if you listen- you just do! You feel peace. You feel guided. You feel truth. You feel a little closer to home. And you feel really really really loved. You feel like you are worth everything to someone because you are. The spirit speaks to our hearts, and when that happens to me- my mind stops thinking so much. I feel like I feel closer to my kids. I recognize I have potential. The importants and unimportants get sorted out. My worries are calmed. I am more determined. I have more trust.
And I remember who I am.
I. can't. wait.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The End of Summer


Tonight we finished Friday Night Lights. It's a sad day. McKay and I have been obsessed with it for months. I feel like McKay really learned to love life in the country- something I've always appreciated that he never understood. I just used to picture myself living in country songs so I think I've always had a feel for country life. haha. But still. Somehow, football has a whole new meaning to me. I get it now you guys. I might cry at my brother's game tomorrow night.

Today was the longest day in a long time. It rained and we went to the library. Everything is getting wetter and colder and darker. and I LOVE IT. I'm a true Seattle girl. I will miss nothing about the sun. My house will go back to being under 78 degrees. I will enjoy going on walks again. My kids will go to sleep earlier. I can drink hot chocolate and wear fuzzy socks. I can make pumpkin things. Everything's about to get warm and cozy and cheerful. I love this time of the year.

The only thing I will miss is Jonah's naked sandy dimpley bum.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

the time we broke our house


Day two and I am kind of regretting this already. It's 11:28 and a couple minutes ago I said to McKay, crap! I have to write on my blog...what should I write about? And he said to write about how annoying it is that he falls asleep while we are hanging out every night. It's true. It is really annoying.

This morning we went to Costco and Winco to get food for the week. Then we rushed home so I could get the kiddos down for a nap. Routine is my new thing. I've never had one, but I am going to starting now. When they were both asleep I talked on the phone and got dinner ready and then McKay came home to try to figure out why our new hardwood floor was all cupping. I haven't written about many house projects- but literally- they never end. never. A few months ago whenever I swept, I would walk across this patch of floor that was a little rough. It was a characteristic of the floor I thought- it doesn't bug me, I thought. I actually didn't give it any thought. Then one day I decided to show McKay and long story short, we realized it was from water damage. So then McKay crawled under the house and found a puddle. And since then we have been wondering just what is going on. Have you ever wished you could just take an x-ray of your entire house? Weird thought, but I've been thinking about that. I wished we could just x-ray our house and see just what is causing the leak. But we can't. So yesterday a man came and sawed a piece of my kitchen floor off, and McKay began sawing down parts of the wall. Did I mention that we were finally almost done with the whole downstairs and this was like the one area that I was loving? It was.

On the wall that McKay began to saw were pictures that I loved and hung right when we moved in. Right when we hung them I thought to myself, now, this feels like home. Tonight McKay removed the pictures first- which revealed some nail holes. And then he went to the wall on the other side- which was in our bathroom to try to figure out where the leak had started. But do you know what we discovered? The leak started on the wall with the pictures. It started from a hole. A nail hole which we hammered right into a water pipe. Hammered by either me or McKay.

After that, I cleaned up downstairs and McKay bathed the kids and after I had had some time to myself for just a little bit, I went upstairs to find Jax and Jonah out of the bath, in jammies, in my room with McKay. Jonah had Jax's old pajamas on which are way too big for his legs but really warm and I just looked at my baby and said mckay look at him! Look at how cute he is. Oh my gosh, he is so cute. McKay had also brushed his hair into a combover. And I sat down next to him and he gave me a real hug with both arms. And I stared at my baby in awe of his perfectness. I thought to myself in that moment nothing matters but this! And that was the best part of my entire day.

the end

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A 30-day thing that will not result in a fashion blog

do you guys miss the photobooth pics of myself? ha!

I am so mad right now because I was upstairs straightening my hair and I thought of the perfect way to word this and now I can't remember any of it. So sadly, I'll just have to say this in a really boring way.

Over this past year, I have just fallen out of love with blogging. Writing, to me, became like mopping. I had to reach the perfect moment and state of mind to decide to do it. Then I would do it and feel really accomplished. I would put a big black check on the list in my head. It would feel like I got a huge thing done that I didn't have to think about for a while But then time would pass. And then I would feel all cluttered again. Like I had all this stuff I had to get onto my blog- so I would- which is why this blog has become a boring update list. I hate those kinds of blogs. They are so boring to read. Especially for strangers. And every time I would write "I haven't blogged in a while..." I just though to myself ew. It made me frustrated that I had let so much time pass. But I felt like I had lost my voice. It wasn't effortless. It took too much effort. And honestly in my spare time when my kids are sleeping I prefer to do things that take literally NO effort. Like eat or watch TV. 

And then I saw this thing:


So true. true. true. true. I had set a standard for myself- how I was going to write- what it would encompass- what mood or tone I wanted to get across. And it became like an assignment- to which I responded, I am done with college and done with all this thinking! Which sounds really bad (and disappointing to some), but true. My brain is tired. It's tired because I wonder if I'm doing good enough as a mom. It's tired because I worry about Jax's new mattress permanently smelling like pee. It's tired because I thought I just planned a week of dinners and now I have to do it again. It's tired because I want people to know that motherhood to me is sacred and special and a privelage. But exhausting. And how to you say all the truths and still get that last most important truth across. You either use a lot (a lot) of effort and brain power and minutes and taps on that delete button to formulate the perfect post that encompasses it all. Or you simply just document the day to day- and somehow it comes together and paints the right picture. Or you just do nothing. Which is what I have been doing. Then you are sad and disappointed in yourself and you feel a giant part of you nagging at your brain. 

So now Jonah is screaming and my computer is about to die, but to sum it all up- I am going to blog every day for 30 days. I think I will get my groove back. Sometimes I look at my fashion blog thing and I literally just want to die. Some things I read and I wonder what I was thinking. What I was thinking or what I had just read that influenced what I had just written. But I am grateful for one thing- the documentation. That's what I'm going for here. No awkward poses in Gap hats (no offense to anyone). Some days I might be sappy. Somedays I might be venting. Somedays I will have nothing to say but I will think of something. There is definitely always something and I don't want to forget the somethings. This is day one. 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

My Favorite Three-Year-Old in the World


I've been wanting to write all about you for a while Jax. I've been wanting to carry around a notebook and write down all the cute, funny, and smart things you say and do so I will never forget. I have needed like two hours to just sit down and think about you and rack my brain to remember everything. Everything you have said in the last week, the last day even- that made me smile or laugh or run over and kiss you. Where do I even start. Sometimes you make us turn to each other and say did you just hear what he said? You remember things I can't believe you remember. You share! You are the best sharer. If someone is sad because you have something they want, you walk over and give it to them, every time. You love books. You love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and smoothies. You love to do stuff on your own. You pull chairs to our fridge to stand on for milk. You love to sing. The chorister in Primary tells me that you have a special musical gift- she says she can tell. You always sing on key. I think you got that from dad's side or uncle Chad. You say the sweetest prayers. You pray for Chad in Brazil ("him up there and us down here") and for your grandma and grandpas. You love being a big brother. You cry when Jonah has to take a nap because you want him to stay up and play with you. You ask me questions all day. You love to make cookies. You say "sorry," "oh, cuse me," and "thank you." You say "dats okay mom?" when you spill milk or juice. You love to give us "tree kisses." You love the beach. You love to feed ducks and go on merry-go-rounds. You are friendly and loving to others. There is a little boy at church your age in a wheelchair. You put your hand on his arm and talked to him. Dad and I look at you and wonder how you are ours. You are smart and silly and cute. Everyone comments on your cute freckles and long eyelashes. You are brave. You jump into the water from the side of the pool and swim clear to the middle by yourself. You are understanding. You comprehend and understand more than other kids your age. You are a caretaker and a leader. In nursery, you seem like the oldest kid in there, but you aren't. You ask me every day if I want you to get bigger. You say you want to so you can be like daddy. Dad is your hero. You help him with everything he does. I'm grateful I married your dad because he is such a hard worker and he teaches you. You are independent. You like to do things on your own. If you don't know how to do something, you like to figure it out. You like to brush your teeth with the "soft" toothpaste- not the "sffify" kind. You love to play soccer and ride your bike and go on walks. You say your car seat hurts your back. You love to take baths and always want to take them "wif Jonah." You call your litter brother Jones. The other day you said "I wiwwy love that Jones." You love Tinkerbell, Toy Story, Frozen, and Tangled. You always want juice or milk in the mornings. The only dinner you will eat a lot of is spaghetti. You love Nursery at church. You always ask us if it's time. Your best friend in nursery is "yuke." Your best friend at home is "Lysia." You are the easiest kid to take on errands. You stay right by me and listen the whole time. When you ask us a question you say, "Ya or no?! Ya or no?!" You crawl in my bed in the mornings and cuddle with me- sometimes for almost an hour. If you are really awake, you stand next to my side of the bed and kiss my hand until I wake up. 

I used to be sad because of how fast you were growing, but every day just gets better with you. Dad and I watch you, and know you are going to be better than both of us when you grow up. I'm so glad you were my first baby. I'm so glad your siblings have you to look to for an example. I'm glad you're naturally caring and considerate of others. I'm glad you are confident and active. I'm glad you love to read and learn. And I'm glad that I'm your momma. I feel lucky every day and hope I am a good enough mom to raise a special boy like you. Love you more than you will ever know, my little Jaxer boy!

Jaxers Turns Three!


Jax turned three at the end of last month. He teetered between wanting an "orch party" and a "pirate party." I was not feeling the pinterest-y party this year- so I took him to Hobby Lobby to pick out his own party stuff and I think he liked that even more than the stuff that would usually take me hours to do. I liked it too. Once we got there, he wanted cowboy stuff, pirate stuff, and (really ugly) monster plates. I vetoed the monster plates- but he told me he liked the pirate stuff the most...so pirate party it was! We had our family and neighbors over for dessert the Sunday night after Jax's birthday. He loved it. He had a treasure hunt to get to his presents and mid-treasure hunt, Alysia came over. It is so fun to have a cute little girl Jax's age right next door. They love each other. Alysia is potty-training too- actualy one night when they were playing, we just stuck the toilet right on our porch and they would play and then pee, haha. But as they were opening presents, Alysia had a little accident. Jax didn't care at all- just kept playing with stuff, right in the puddle. It was lovely! They we cleaned it up and my dad gave him a scooter, which they fought over the whole rest of the night. I was so proud of Jax though, because as you can tell in the above pic, he is really good at sharing! He let her right it more than he rode it himself. Love that little three-year-old! 

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