Friday, December 19, 2014
WHAT IS WITH ME? I am in such a bloggy mood lately! I'm going to write this quick so I can go to bed. I'm not even going to read over what I write to edit it. Do you know one of the things I worry most about is accidentally typing a swear word and not catching it. hahaha WHAT are the chances of that?! LOL. Anywayzzz. Today I was driving in my car thinking. Just about how much there is to do and about the holiday and stuff like that. I made myself a list the other day. It said things such as, buy mom a present, wrap presents, finish mailing cards, bring treats to people, do primary crap (my calling is in the primary), etc. etc. The holidays have been great and weird this year. Great because I think I am starting to feel what they are really about. Not just know what Christmas is about, but feel it. We set up our nativity this year. It's this wooden nativity I got in Ecuador for my grandma- that she gave back to me because she knew I would want it (and i'm so glad because I DID!) and I've caught Jax a couple times looking at it. Looking at it and playing with it and carefully picking up the baby Jesus and gently carrying Him around. I've thought about the birth of Christ. The way he came into the world. Humbly and meekly which was a perfect foreshadowing of His entire life. I read my scriptures by our Christmas tree today. I've tried to switch my focus when all I can think about it what to get people and even what I want for Christmas. That's not what it's about. I'm going to try my best to teach my kiddos that.
We made treats tonight and took them to friends and acquaintances. You guys, you should have seen my kitchen. It was a last minute thing. It was on my list. Today, I kind of had one of those moments where I thought to myself OMGSHHHHHH I AM SO SICK OF LOOKING AT THIS. it's all getting done. today. So instead of making dinner, I made cookies and stuff and ran to Hobby Lobby to get paper plates and we put it all together and dropped them off tonight. Jax was excited. He wanted to get out at every house and bring the family their treat. It was fun to watch. Jones slept most of the time. By the time we were done it was after eight and I still hadn't fed my fam. It's hard to balance everything. I'm not the perfect planner wife yet.
As I scrambled around my disaster of a kitchen though, I was thinking about my list. Some things on it, I had to do obviously. But some things I didn't. It was kind of an epiphany moment. I thought about my friends my age and other girls my age in the world. I wondered if all of them had a list on their counter of things they had to do to make the holidays the holidays. I thought probably not. Maybe some. And please don't be offended guys, but I want to remember this about myself. I just felt like I was trying to be 50 years old. (P.S. I love 50 year olds but I just picture myself having most of it together and having a great balance at that age, which I don't have yet). Then I sort of laughed inside to myself because it was just so dumb! I wondered what would happen if I didn't bring cookies to people. They wouldn't care. Then I said told McKay that I think I'm acting too old and he agreed with me. So this year you got cookies from us. But next year we might just stay home and watch The Office and not bring anyone cookies. We might not even do Christmas Cards. Who knows. We might not even watch Elf and say "bye buddy, hope you find your dad!" Just kidding, of course we will do that!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
today was just not jonah's day.
once upon a time, we woke up and ate breakfast and then we decided to get to work on our holiday to-do list (meaning that I put the boys in the playroom while I sat at the computer and picked pictures of my kids to put in frames and hand out as gifts...same every year). But before I did that, I sat and played with the boys for a while and I changed Jonah's diaper. I decided to let his buns air out, so I didn't put anything back on him. Then I went to our guest room where the computer was. I was working on picture stuff, the boys were playing. It was so peaceful. I could hear them- there was no crying or screaming. Jax was building stuff with his lincoln logs and Jonah was crawling around. After a while, I heard Jonah coming. He crawled to my leg and started climbing up. Then I smelled something- and right then, Jax screamed "MOMMMMM!!! JONAH POOPED." In that second I realized that I had never stuck a diaper back on Jones after I had taken one off. I walked out of the room to find tracks from where he started ( you know what I mean) to where he was.
I needed to make an action plan, so I stuck him in the bath. He pooped more in the bath. But finally after lots of scrubbing and crying and SCRUBBING we were all clean! There were actually a few moments where I laughed to myself and thought, this is my life and somehow I have gotten to a place where poop does not phase me. I'm not kidding! It doesn't! just puke..
Soon after that, my mom came to pick up Jax to take him on a grandma-Jax date. They went and got ice cream. I did a few things while Jonah napped and then showered and got ready for a VT appointment. The missionaries reminded us last night that we were feeding them tonight, so I was going to rush to that appointment and then go to the store and then go home. My mom had Jax so i thought it would be easy and kind of fun with just me and Jones. It reminded me of the days of just Jax and I. SO EASY WITH ONE KID. I HAD NO IDEA. We got to Fred Meyer at like five and I was rushing to get all my crap. I was finally done and was going to check out when I saw a man from my ward, but in an effort to not stop and talk for 15 minutes, I walked very swiftly around him so he wouldn't see me and shuffled to a check stand that had a small line so I could hide behind the rows. Well, we got there and I was unloading my stuff. Jonah was reaching for the Five Hour Energy, kind of stand-squatting. So as I unloaded I said jonesssss sit down buddy! sit on your bum. I say that like 1394085720945 times at the grocery store and my kids have never fallen out of a cart, so i guess i say it without umph now. Anyways- Jonah fell! I saw it. I don't know if I was reaching for him or was close to catching him or anything. It's just a blur. but I didn't catch him. He fell and he kind of rick-ached between our cart and the candy and gum. The woman in front of me was a panic-er. I kind of wanted to say can you just buy your stuff and LEAVE and not watch me try to comfort my screaming child. Whenever my kids get hurt, I pick them up and take them away from people. I just think it's better that way. But in the grocery store I couldn't. A small asian family stopped to watch too. Jonah was so sad. I checked him everywhere and could only see a little mark on his head. He didn't plummet head-first really fast so I was hoping it wasn't that bad. But then I pulled him back from my shoulder and his nose was bleeding. And the lady in front of me said "his eye is swelling." The cashier was so nice. she reminded me of my mom because she was so calm. She handed me a paper towel for his nose and told me that her granddaughter had just fallen out of a cart like that at Target. She told me babies are tough. All cashiers working the family aisle should be just like her. Jonah was still crying, so I grabbed a pack of Skittles and ripped it open and after that, he stopped crying. Then we got in the car and went home. It's been swelling all night. Jonah has his first black eye. I feel terrible. Every time I look at him I just feel so bad. McKay was calm about it. He's been taking pictures of him all night. He says he'll think it's cool when he's older. but I don't think it's cool. i think it's sad. and I also don't think it's cool that now when old people touch my kids and nag me at stores about my children being bucked in and sitting down I can't say to them "MY KIDS HAVE NEVER FALLEN" ...because they have... :(
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
I read this post a while ago from a popular blogger. Lots of people have probably read it. In it, she said something like, I want my kids to know that goodness and love are stronger when they come from a sense of freedom and not of obligation. Not that exactly. Something like that. Anyways- when I read it, I kept thinking about it. Not the post, mostly just that sentence. I thought about it a lot, because this girl has really different opinions than I do on a lot of things. But this, I kind of understood. I kind of feel like that sometimes, like, I should be doing more for others, loving them more, helping them more...but I am so tired. I have my own family. And sometimes I do those things, and sometimes I don't- but no matter what, I always feel this obligation. And obligation to serve and help and love, but sometimes it just feels exhausting. It feels forced.
Jax has been scared at night, so after McKay and I have already gone to sleep, he quietly walks into our bedroom and climbs into bed with us. It's usually at about three. It started happening right when Jonah started sleeping through the night, so it was kind of a bummer. But he cuddles up to me, and I hold him and lay there- sleeping on-and-off until the morning because our bed is too small, and then I get up. Sometimes I can't fall asleep, so I lay next to him and pull his hand right to my mouth and I kiss it until I'm tired and can fall asleep. There have been times during the night that he's wet the bed. Wet the bed in the middle of the night and I stand up and feel like I could almost fall down- I am so tired. But I walk to his room and pull his pajamas off him to replace with something warm and dry. I wash his legs first so he's comfortable. And then I do the same thing to his bed. Then I pick him up and lay him down and I get in there next to him and hold him. I tell him it's okay. It's okay to have accidents. Mom had accidents when she was little. And I wait until he falls asleep and then I go back to bed.
Jonah isn't a cuddler. He's never been one. When he was a newborn, he would fall asleep pressed up against me with his head tipped back, cradled in my hands. I would kiss his cheeks and walk in bouncy circles in my room until he fell asleep. When he gets hurt or sad or tired, he's a frustrated, grumpy, non-cuddler. He arches his back and tenses his body and throws a fit in my arms. If I put him on the ground, he's even more sad- so I hold him while he arches and pushes away from me. We bounce, we point at things and we walk around the house until he feels better.
It's easy for me to love my kids. To be tired, frustrated, late-to-something, and I still love them. They can dump my favorite perfume down the sink, throw a fit in the store, or pee in my hair (all those have happened) ...and I'll love them still. I'll bathe them still. I'll dress them and hold them and read to them still. I guess it's an obligation- I'm their mom. But I want to. I don't have to bathe them if I don't want to. I don't have to hug them or kiss them I guess. But I always will. And it's strong because I want to love them. Loving them is my purpose. I guess it doesn't get much stronger than that.
I think when we're talking about love or goodness as an obligation or a freedom, it makes them verbs. It implies that there comes action with them. Something with them. Some manifestation of love or goodness. That's how I take it. And yes, it's hard for me to call up someone from church who I don't know and schedule a day to bring them dinner if they need it. That's an obligation to me. It feels like something I don't want to do, but I should. It would be easier to call my pregnant best friend and tell her I'm bringing her dinner just because I want to. That's my freedom and behind it there would be a greater sense of fun and spontaneity and probably love. I would do it just because. Because I love her. There's a difference between the two. There's a line.
That difference to me is a total natural feeling. We were born with it. Born with an obvious distinction in our minds of things we want to do and things we don't. People we want to love and people we don't want to love. Goodness we want to share, and goodness we don't. Of course we have random moments of goodness, random moments of love. We help a stranger find the pudding at a grocery store. We hand two dollar bills to a homeless person on a corner. We let a new mom with a crying newborn cut us in line. Those are random things. We do them spontaneously and freely and usually afterwards we feel a little more connected to someone we didn't know. A little more connected to the world. A little like we are all in this together. But that's the thing, we are.
We're here to live and to progress. To be better, to love better, to treat each other better and serve each other and share our goodness. better. It's not always easy. We don't always want to. There are other things that come first sometimes. Other things that just rank higher than doing something or loving a person we don't even know- or even a person we don't feel deserves it- or maybe a person we don't feel needs it. There's an obvious distinction between love and goodness we want to share and love and goodness we feel obligated to. I think everyone feels that. I feel that. But what I also feel is that feeling can be overcome. I think that's what this life is about. We're here to progress and grow and become more like Christ. He loved everyone. I don't think He felt obligated. I think He yearned for it. He constantly looked for people to teach and heal and bless. His entire life was a manifestation of the love He had for us.
When my boys are 10 and 12 years old, and they are asked to sing Christmas carols at a nursing home, they probably won't want to. That is fine. I wouldn't want to either. But I think that they and I can learn to feel as strongly about the importance of that as we would about something we freely chose to do. There is a distinction. But my goal as a mom is to take that line of distinction they feel and help them make it disappear. And that I think is when goodness and love will become the most powerful- when it no longer comes from a distinction they make, but instead is just who they are.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Finally a normal Sunday at home! I've been sitting on the couch for like 30 minutes while Jonah sleeps and Jax and McKay play in the garage. It's been a good week. Full of Christmas business and getting our routine back on track after Thanksgiving in Boise. I'm feeling good. I got all the Christmas cards done this week. I have never gotten them done this early. I'm trying to get everything done for the holidays in the next week- then I can sit my butt on the couch and enjoy my favorite time of the year. Fall came and went fast. We would drive in the car past all the trees and Jax would said "Woww mom dat's weawy beautiful." Now he is noticing the trees all bare with no leaves. Ahhh! I'm blogging about trees. ANYWAYS. We stopped nursing- Jones and I. It's been rougher on me than I thought. Jonah had a really hard time at first. Part of me was so sad that it was going to be much harder for him than it was for Jax, but the other part of me was just totally done. Done nursing constantly throughout the day. I felt like it would never taper off. But slowly I started to deny him and he just kind of got used to it- really fast! I didn't tell myself when I was going to stop (P.S. I don't know how anyone could do that...so depressing!). But I remember rocking him to sleep when he was really upset, and sitting against the wall next to his crib and nursing him. That was the last time. I wish I would have thought about it more. Part of me is glad I didn't though, because it would have made it so sad.
McKay is starting to study for the GMAT. I'm trying to be super supportive but it's been so boring at night. He wakes up at 5 to study so he goes to bed extra early and I am just bored. Sometimes he tries to stay up with me, but he just ends up falling asleep. We went on a date Friday and laughed a lot. We sat at our table at PF Changs (we justified that because we literally never go on dates) and we pointed people out and made up stories about them and what they were talking about to their dates. Then we pulled out our phones and looked at pictures and videos of our kids from the week. I don't know why, but lately I've felt those dating butterflies again, a lot. But I've felt like that ever since we went to the skate deck. So weird. I think sometimes you just have to be reminded that you can be really really fun together. I think Jonah likes McKay more than he likes me now. Maybe it's because I stopped nursing him. But he totally dives for him after work. The boys and I have been fighting over McKay lately. We only get a couple hours with him before he falls asleep on us at night. It's been really really happy in our home. We are done with the projects for now. It feels good. Only one of our bathrooms has a working sink...but we are DONE. It feels good to take a break. I'm just content. This doesn't happen very often, so I'm going to enjoy it as longgggg as possible.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Normal days are my favorite days. Days when I get to wake up and cuddle my kids and take as long as I want and stay at home with them all day. I love it when I have no plans. I love having nothing to do. I love when we stay in our pajamas. On those days I pay attention more. I have more time to feel grateful and see my life and what I have. Feet learning to walk on my carpet. Messy mouths to wipe. Little lips moving as they talk to me. Arms wrapped around my knees. Crumbs from sandwiches on my floor. There isn't much rushing. There aren't as many things I miss. There aren't as many things I ignore. I soak it in. I read this quote today by C. S. Lewis- "The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can't supply is proof that Heaven must be our home." I love that. When i'm rushing and distracted I am always yearning for something I can't quite pinpoint. I think I must need an hour to myself. I must need to watch a movie. I must need my kids to just go to bed. But when I'm at home and it's quiet and I look across the hall and my baby is sitting on my bed, heaven is right there and I don't need a thing.