Friday, July 15, 2016

Two!


Cashy boy!

You are TWO MONTHS today. I would never want to go backwards, but every day I soak you in as much as I can. I never want to forget you this little. You are still my cuddle bug. When we go places or when we are church, I put you in a little wrap on my chest and you just cuddle on me and sleep. I play with your little feet and your cute little head and you just sleep on my chest. It's one of my favorite things to do with you. My other favorite thing to do with you is pick you up under your arms so your cheeks squish on your shoulders and then I kiss the sides of your mouth and your cheeks over and over and over again and you smile HUGE the whole time. Today you smiled big when you were nursing for the first time. I have been waiting for that! You are a happy boy and we have a special little bond. I was thinking this month about how we have had so many special moments, just you and me. The first one was when I found out I was pregnant with you. I feel like we have had a special connection since then. I worried a lot about different things when I was pregnant with you and I'm just so happy I get to hold you and cuddle you and kiss you every day whenever I want! Sometimes I still can't believe you're here. I love you so much!

At two months you...

still sleep right next to me! In the middle of the night when you get fussy, I cuddle close to you so you can feel me right there and you usually fall right back to sleep. Sometimes all you need is to feel my hand on your arm and you are okay! Oh! And you wake up a lot more now during the night :) two or three times!

love love love your Solly wrap and baths- those are your two favorite things!

don't take long naps. Mostly you like to be held which I honestly love. I love that you want me to hold you more and you know when it's me picking you up. You will sleep for hours in the Solly wrap but not long on the couch or the bed or in your little seat. You like to be in the wrap, or held. Sometimes you will take a long nap, but during those times, your brother Jonah usually climbs on top of you and startles you and your arms go straight out at your sides because you get scared and you wake up...

are really calm on Jax! And sometimes on Jonah. Every morning, Jonah still sings you the morning song! When Jonah holds you, he likes to pat your stomach and move you a lot and you don't love it...haha. Jax loves to put blankets around you and prop you up "like a grown man," he did it once and you loved it, so whenever you're fussy and he's the one right next to you, he tried to do it to make you happy!

don't like daddy's beard... but he shaved it last night! Yay! It was so cute because he was holding you on the bed right after, kissing you, and talking about how smooth your skin was! It was the first time he felt it in two months!

know when we are home. You are definitely the most calm at home.

don't like to be held cradled like a little baby. You like to be up against my shoulder so you can look all around, but still be really close to me! I always stop in front of the mirror in our hall so I can look at your cute face squished on my shoulder!

your baby acne is all cleared up! Aquaphor is the best.

are in 0-3 and some 3-6 month old clothes. I got these really cute 3-6 month old clothes before you were born and the shirts looked so huge to me! I put one on you yesterday just to see how it looked and it TOTALLY fit! I couldn't believe it! You are still so tiny though!

are you chunky! I LOOOOVE IT. You have little arm rolls and I am in love with them! I kiss them all the time. I love changing your diaper too because I get to see your chubby little thighs. You have this little fuzzy hair on your arms and sometimes I can see it if we're in the right light and it makes me just want to eat you! I cannot get over how perfect you are. Sometimes at night when daddy and I are watching a movie I just can't stop staring at you and I turn to dad and say, don't you just want to stare at him?! How is he THIS cute and perfect?!! You are pretty cute and perfect!

really do not love your carseat! If you are tired and fall asleep, you are fine, but when you get mad, you are MAD. You have a different mad cry than your brothers. Yours sounds like you are grinding your teeth and you start blowing bubbles and your face gets really red! I usually just nurse you in a parking lot because your cry is sooo sad. When I walk over to your door I know your face is going to be red like a tomato with bubbles all over your chin and it always is! I get you out of your carseat as fast as I can! We did drive to the lake house though and you did soooo great on that trip! I held you and nursed you a couple times, but other than that, you were an angel baby!

love to lay chest-to-chest. It's my favorite way to hold you. Sometimes if I scoot you low, you look up at me and smile. Those have been some of my favorite moments with you.

If someone else is holding you and you hear my voice, you usually smile or try to turn your head to where I am. I love that you know who I am and usually want me. You are so easy though and are usually fine no matter who is holding you, but if you are fussy, you are only calm on me, sometimes even if I don't nurse you right away!

are starting to move your head a lot more. You turn it from side to side a lot better now and your neck is getting SO strong. We don't really do tummy time in our family because we hold you up against us so much that you so "tummy time" that way hahaha

Today it was so cute. We were eating pancakes for breakfast and I was sitting on the floor next to you because you were in your seat. I kept talking to you but you were looking a little lower than where my face was. But all of the sudden you found my face and you got the biggest smile! It was the best thing ever. It made me so happy!

We sure love you Cash. Dad said the other day "I don't even remember life without Cash." It's so true. We can't imagine life without you. So glad we finally have you in our home. You are so so loved.


Thursday, June 23, 2016

On a bridge with my baby






I have never scheduled newborn pics with any of my babies, except for Jax. It's kind of sad and irresponsible but also, I think maybe it's subconsciously because my experience with Jax's newborn pics pretty much scarred me for life, haha. I won't say her name (cause I am super nice) but we had this lady take these portrait-style pics. She did it at her house. (She was actually really good and I love the photos of Jax.) But ANYWAYS, being the new, not-confident, don't-quite-know-how-to-comfort-my-baby-every-second-yet mom that I was, I could not get Jax to fall asleep for the session-so she had to take pictures in short, panicked, very time-sensitive spurts and I think that frustrated her. So then, after a couple hours of frustration she blurted, "HE IS THE SADDEST NEWBORN I HAVE EVER SEEN!" And it completely crushed me because I was desperately trying  to do everything I possibly could to comfort and console my brand new newborn and I just couldn't. I held it together for the rest of the session, but right when we got in the car I started bawling and I held him on my chest the entire way home (which I know, that's bad). And he was completely calm and he fell asleep on me. We just needed to get out of there. It was just awful. 

But I am a strong believer in a baby's ability to sense calm. Which is one of the reasons that I loved this newborn session we did, just as a family. We brought a tripod but never got it out because we had parked illegally and were rushing of course! I'm kind of sad we have no pics of the five of us. But Cash was totally happy and these were genuine sweet moments I never want to forget. We made him be naked under that little romper and he was such a trooper! Story of his life. Trooper easy baby boy. We love our Cashy-Cash. 

And FYI I did put him in his carseat after this non-traumatizing session. ;) 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Look what I found: A love letter from a year ago


I remember being worried when you didn’t take out the garbage. Since we were married in July, we spent a month living at my grandmas, waiting for the next semester of school to start. You were working and I worked sometimes. You came home and some nights I had tried to make dinner. I remember my mom coming over and showing me how to make enchiladas and chicken crescent squares for you. So I usually cooked and then we did the dishes and one day the garbage got full. But you didn’t take it out. I didn’t know how to ask you to in a way that wouldn’t instantly label us as a husband and wife with duties and expectations so I did it. But it worried me. it worried me because you didn’t notice it. it worried me because you watched me do it and you didn’t care. And it worried me because I thought that for the rest of our lives I would have to take the garbage out- which translated to- I have to take the garbage out, open my own doors, carry my own suitcases, and etc. forever and ever because my husband doesn’t know how to be a gentleman. So the next day when I picked you up from work and you let me pump my own gas at the gas station I got back into the car and cried. And you just hugged me and apologized- confused- and probably a little alarmed. But you promised me you would never let me pump my gas again if you were in the car. 

That first month we laid on that bed upstairs and talked a lot. I remember wondering when our humor would parallel more than it did- when I would understand the things you thought were funny and think they were funny too. I remember running on the beach during our honeymoon and waiting to take a bunch of pictures of us, but feeling awkward making you pose a hundred times. Of course we played and laughed and cuddled all through those first weeks, but that’s not what I’m thinking about now. I’m thinking about laying on the upstairs bed at my grandmas house on our sides, looking at each other and wondering when we would develop into these people that fit seamlessly. Who laughed at the same stuff and loved the same movies and could talk without speaking. I told you everything I was thinking- always and probably too detailed. But that’s the thing about me and the thing about you. I have always made you listen to everything on my mind. And you’ve always been able to take it. Since our first week together you would listen and smile and tell me whatever it was was okay. Whatever I thought or felt was fine. You would understand, you would wait, you would be what I needed. And I remember you holding my hand on the bed right then, telling me that that you loved me and that everything I wanted us to be, we would. 

I got pregnant with Jax three months later, and let me just fast-forward this a little and say that any newlywed awkwardness went out the window when you caught my puke in your hands on our cruise. When we found out we were having a boy, I cried for an hour. I told you I didn’t know how to be a mom to a boy and than I cried harder because I was crying. You pulled our car into a parking lot and reached into the back seat and handed me a box with a cupcake in it. You let me say whatever I wanted to and you told me that there was nothing wrong with any of it. you hugged me and told me we were going baby boy clothes shopping and then you drove me straight out of our little college town to the closest mall. 

One Christmas I got sick of all our ornaments we had picked the first year of marriage. I wanted everything silver and gold. Jax was little and we put up our tree and I hated it. I wanted to go to Target that night to get different ornaments. I had this vision in my head and it had to be done that night. It was probably 11 and you didn’t want to get Jax in the car and go because it was late. So we stood in our downstairs with our Christmas stuff in a mess by our feet, and I was mad at you. you stood there and looked at me and I remember being frustrated not being able to explain to you why it was so important to me. I knew you didn’t get it. and you still don’t and you still wouldn’t- but just the same, you told me you wanted everything just how I imagined it and that you loved me and hated fighting with me- and you put on your shoes and you drive me to Target- and then Fred Meyer and then WalMart. You waited with Jax and then smiled when I opened the car door and got in with a WalMart bag of ornaments at 12:30 at night. 

All of these moments were dumb. I’m embarrassed to write them. I keep reading over them and the more I do, the more stupid I seem to myself. We’ve had big moments too. Parents divorcing, siblings struggling, etc. Situations that are actually hard and they should be- when we are at the same level. When we hold hands and are on the same page and see eye-to-eye. But those aren’t the ones that define you to me. The stupid things do. The stupid things that you didn’t have to do, but you did. Taking me to get Christmas ornaments at 11:30 at night. These are the best things I could think to write that show you. Because you have never met me half way. You always come to where I am.

When we were dating and in leadership at school together, I used to get kind of jealous sometimes. We were excited this one weekend for an overnight retreat- because of weather and stuff it didn’t go as planned, but we had breakfast together on campus and I remember you didn’t sit by me. I sat by my friend and we watched you go from person to person, making sure everyone felt included and special. I remember watching you around other people and sometimes feeling like your little sister. I have told you that before and you never get it- you think it’s weird. But it’s because I look up to you so much. It’s because when you would talk to everyone and then look at me and smile or drive me home afterward, I felt like the luckiest girl who had ever lived. You would drop me off and I would wave from my townhouse parking lot and wonder how I could keep you just to myself. I felt like that this morning. 

Jax ran into our room and my phone was dead on our nightstand. I didn’t know what time it was. I told him to look out the window to see if your car was still there and he said it wasn’t. I rolled over and rubbed my eyes and could hear Jonah awake in his crib. I wondered what time it was and how long ago you had left. But then you were in our room- with hot chocolate and donuts and a love note scribbled on the back of a piece of paper. You said “Happy Anniversary!” I had completely forgotten. I hadn’t even known what the date was. You didn’t care. You hugged me and kissed me and gave me a gift and then you left for work. 

We’re close now in the way I used to want. And you know me- because you come home sometimes and look at me and immediately take the kids out to play. And after I spend 45 minutes “getting ready for bed” in our bathroom, you are still awake, waiting for me on our bed because you know I fall asleep better when you’re awake. Sometimes I walk upstairs to the pile of laundry folded- the pile that I have moved on and off our bed for five days straight. Or you cancel a golf night with a friend, because you know I needed you when I didn’t even ask. And we will be driving and say something totally random at the exact same time. Or come up with the same crazy idea for dinner. And we finish each other’s sentences now and speak without talking. We laugh at all the same things. We know each other’s friends and understand each other’s families. Everything I wanted before, we have. Some of it has come with time, some of it is because of you. 

I think I’ll probably always feel like I can’t give you back enough. To sit across from you when you’re mad at me and tell you that I don’t care why we’re fighting, that I just love you and that’s all I care about. That’s you- and probably something I’ll always try to be. But what we have now is so much better than the image of us I hoped for in my mind. Two people, exactly alike and exactly the same- that's not what I want anymore. I want you because you're better than me. You're exactly what I'm not, and everything I need.

*written almost a year ago right around our anniversary, never posted. And now I love you even more!

Thursday, June 16, 2016

One Month




Oh Cash. Everyone is so obsessed with you. I watch your brothers with you, and know I will never have to worry about any shortage of friends or people looking out for you. As I type this, I keep saying Jonah, stop! because you are right next to me on the floor, in your seat, and Jonah is in your face kissing you and talking to you and bouncing you, making sure you are happy. The car he has been fighting with Jax over all morning is on your side, and I know he put it next to you probably so you could "play wif" it. 

At One Month, you

Love to be swaddled! Your brothers never liked to be, but you do. At night I wrap you up really warm, and put my cheek against your forehead, and we fall asleep!

Are a really good nurser. You're not the best latcher. Usually it takes us a couple times. You have been nursing less for a lot longer than you did at first!

You only wake up once a night usually! This last week you have had kind of a stuffy nose which really frustrates you. You HATE your nose sucker. I try to avoid using it because you scream so loud, it wakes up daddy, but sometimes we just have to.

You are still in 0-3 clothes, but not for long! They were huge on you when you were born. I can't believe you are already out of them almost! They aren't quite too small yet, but we are getting there. I am guessing next month! It makes me sad, but you have a bunch of cute 3-6 month clothes, so it's okay I guess :) 

Every morning we cuddle with our faces really close right when you wake up. You are really really intent on people's faces, especially mine. It's something special about you and one of the things I love so much. You look right into my eyes and lately you have been smiling so much when you do it. Which reminds me...

You are SO smiley. I think you have smiled every single day since you have been born! The last couple days I think I have been getting you to smile a little. Two days ago I was kissing your face all over and you kept smiling when I was doing it. You smile a lot when I kiss your lips and cheeks. Sometimes I'll be kissing you and I feel you start to smile and it's my favorite! You have the best smile! Your smile kind of reminds me of Jax's. Yesterday Jonah was holding you in your little bouncer seat and you were just smiling. It was so sweet!

When we put Jax and Jonah to bed, dad and I take you downstairs and cuddle you. We take turns holding you. Dad used to just let me hold you and I never really had to share, but lately he's been taking you from me! He loves your chubby cheeks (they are starting to get chubby!) It's really cute because dad can tell I want to just snuggle you but sometimes (like last night) he says, "can I hold him?" and I always give you to him because he misses you a lot during the day.

I always bragged about how easy of a baby you were (and you are!) but you are liking to be held lately. I don't mind though. I love holding you! Last night I was trying to hurry and clean once you three boys fell asleep and you woke up screaming, wanting to be held. I picked you up and you immediately stopped. I love it though. I love knowing that you know me and want me to hold you. I left you with dad last Sunday when I went to Ward Council and I came home and you were crying. Right when I took you, you immediately stopped. I hope you'll be a momma's boy like your brothers! I think you will! 

You used to hate being changed and you would scream every time, but you are doing that less and less now. I try to hold the wet wipes in my hand before I wipe your bum because I think they are just too cold for you. You also don't love your carseat. Those are probably the two things you really don't like- besides the nose sucker. 

You LOVE LOVE LOVE baths. I couldn't wait for your cord to fall off so I could bathe you. You took your first bath with your brothers that day and you all loved it. Jax loves token you warm and pour water on your tummy and Jonah just wants to be right next to you at all times. You hate being naked, but right when I put you in the warm water you get instantly calm. I think you have pooped in your last three baths hahaha. You love baths with mommy too. It's one of my favorite things to do with my babies. Our first bath, you just stared at my face, completely calm while I held you. It was one of my very favorite moments with you so far. 

You love your wrap. We have gone shopping and to Jax's ball games and to the beach yesterday and you are really content in it (also a first for me with my babies). You just lay on mommy and sleep the entire time. I love it!

You sleep with me every night and take naps on our bed. We don't use your nursery. Maybe when you're one! :)

You are so so so loved by your brothers, and you love them too. I've been so surprised at the amount of times they can just calm you when you are fussy and I think you just want to eat. Whenever you cry, I know your brothers will race to wherever you are. The other day you were kind of fussy, but Jax really wanted to hold you, and you fell asleep right in his arms! I think you feel how much they love you. 

You have the prettiest features on your face. I think that if I had to pick someone, I would say you look the most like Jax, but I think you have a look all your own! Grandma thinks you look like your daddy. Auntie Chris thinks you look like ME (that's a first so I had to write that down!). Most people I think have said you look like Jax, if anyone. But everyone says you have a look all your own! You have big pretty eyes that we can't tell if they will be blur or brown, and the prettiest lips. Your hair is dark and you are getting dark little eyebrows! You used to have more hair, but you're getting a little bald on the top! haha

There are so many other things that I will add as I think of them, but right now your brother Jonah is playing in your bouncer trying to do a "backflip" and you are sleeping on my bed, so I should probably shower! We love you our little Cash boy. Your dad gave me a blessing the week before you were born and in it he said that we already had a special love for each other and a special connection. I feel that every day. I'm so glad you're my baby boy. 
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