These pictures were taken on the day that Jonah turned six weeks. SIX WEEKS! Um, time...you can stop now. Why is it that just as life is getting better and better, time goes faster and faster? I hate it. At least once a day I picture myself being old and alone with all my kids grown and I get depressed until something else distracts me. I think I'll have babies forever. McKay says only four kids but we'll see about that. I love these photos because they show exactly how McKay is with his boys. Jax and Jonah both love their daddy and he really really loves them. He amazed me every day with his patience. And his energy...how in the world he can come home after working all day and run around the house with Jax for two hours, I will never know. Or get up on a Saturday with Jax at 6 so I can sleep in. Or help me clean the whole house happily. I don't even clean the house very happily. And right this moment he is bouncing Jonah on our bed so I can finish this post. Anyways- I love you McKay. Someday I will write all about you and how amazing you are so our kids can read it or so I can read it when I'm old and have lost my mind. But writing something like that is just overwhelming and would take hours and hours. Someday. But until then, so glad I picked you and so glad you picked me. I think we picked right.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Have you ever looked at your baby realized that you have always known their face? That their little nose and perfect lips and eyes looking up at you have always been familiar. That the time in-between your birth to the second you first held them was just time that you just forgot- not that you didn't know. And when they are finally born, your heart is a little more complete. A little more like it was before we came to earth. One more piece of the puzzle is finally there.
The other night, I was lying on the couch next to Jonah and I had this crazy feeling. A crazy amazing feeling that is one of those things that can barely be typed- and certainly never by me. But on that very same couch, I laid with Jonah in my tummy- and sometimes I would try to imagine what he looked like. I looked at his ultrasound pictures and tried to guess, but I didn't know. I couldn't imagine a baby that wasn't Jax that was mine. Jax was all I knew. And when Jonah was born, of course, I looked at him and he was mine. He belonged with me. Life without him would never be life enough again. Not even in that very first second. Such a mom cliche, I know. But mom cliche's are fair I think. Other cliches can be menders for a lack of wordiness, but mom cliche's are fine. We mom's have to use them because no letters or symbols or language in the entire world can make up a word perfect enough to decribe the heart-swelling, total contentment and completeness, nothing-could-ever-be-better-than-this feeling that a mom feels when she is holding her baby. Not to mention the protective, inadequate, worry feelings that go right along with it. So we just say, "I can't imagine life without them," and "They were meant to be mine," and hope someone knows what we mean- what we feel. What we will never in a million years ever be able to describe until we die and heaven gives us a new vocabulary with the sole purpose of that.
But I was looking at Jonah the other night thinking. Thinking and trying to remember not knowing his face- and I couldn't. I couldn't remember not knowing it. I honestly looked at him and thought to myself, Does he look like another baby I know? Did Jax look identical to him? Why do I feel like I have looked at him for so much longer than I have? And then I realized, because I have. Because I always have.
Monday, November 25, 2013
AHHHH! I am so behind. I keep waiting for a serene moment where my brain can think freely, but it is just not happening. Jonah is sound asleep on our bed and Jax is leaning against my knee watching cartoons and I am thinking...this is about as serene as it's gonna get! This week is about to be insanity. Tomorrow McKay's family is coming and then Thanksgiving and then Jonah's baby blessing on Sunday and I have yet to clean our house. I was sitting downstairs after going to Costco this morning thinking, why clean? Seriously. Why? Because when people come here I try (TRY) to turn the OCD off and pretend that I totally let my kid eat muffins running around the kitchen and other things like that...so honestly, what is the point? Actually, last time McKay's family was here we got into a tiny little argument about muffin crumbs. After everyone had gone upstairs, it was just me in the kitchen. I had bought Costco muffins for everyone and someone had given Jax a chocolate muffin that he had been running around the kitchen with. Literally- crumbs EVERYWHERE. I died a little...just a LITTLE your guys. But enough that I think I got down on my hands and knees and calmly swept them up with with my hands, just quietly. But then McKay came down...just at the wrong time. And so I obviously vented. I probably said, McKay, look at this. Look at our floor. I am kind of going crazy. And then guess what he said, he told me to chilllllllll. CHILL. The most annoying thing you can say. So instantly the overused-but-completely-true words entered my mind that are You have nooooooooo idea how long it takes to clean this house. Serioulsy. McKay. Don't tell me to "chill." And then the kitchen got very tense. And before the situation got really angry and awkward, I had a hilarious idea. there was a half-eated (turned brown) banana on the counter (seriously, I am so chill) and I got an awesome idea. You know how when you are in college, cooking with your boyfriend and you start a food fight? It's really funny and fun and then you kiss and laugh afterward? Well, that was my idea. So I grabbed the banana and I threw it at McKay. Except McKay didn't kiss me or laugh. He was shocked. And then he put his foot on top of the banana on the floor and squished it onto our linoleum. Then he walked upstairs. So not what I had planned. After that I just waited. I waited to hear footsteps on the stairs, because even though my husband would squish a rotten banana onto our floor, he would never actually leave me with it. Then he came back and cleaned up the banana.
So I think I will not clean my whole house today.
Okay so the pictures of Jax up there....the pictures of the cute, sweet, very loving little boy who this whole weekend has been screaming and hitting and telling us to "STOWP TAWLKING..." Honestly this past weekend, McKay and I were so frustrated. Every time we think we have mastered a phase he goes through, there is another one that we are not prepared for. And they progressively get kind of worse. We love our Jaxers. He holds my face when I lay down with him and his little hand pats our backs when we hug him and he sings church songs in the back of the car. But OH MY GOSH...just lately. So yesterday after church, McKay put him down for a nap (which, went so smoothly!) and I made cookies in the kitchen while McKay read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And then we discussed what he read. And we learned that we needed to look at Jax in a different perspective...No, we don't have a child who talks back. We have a child who is "expressive." No, we don't have a child who doesn't listen...we have a child who is "strong willed." Lollll I am half-joking obviously. And I think back to some of my Parenting Prep class lessons and sometimes feel like, okay, seriously...do you child psychologists actually HAVE a two-year-old right now?? And you guys, I know that a lot of it is right. But really, what do you do when you have a sleeping baby in the backseat and your two-year-old is unbuckling himself and screaming at the top of his lungs just for fun? hahaha. Oh well. WE LOVE YOU JAX. We really do. Sorry that your dad and I are kind of winging it! We have no idea what we're doing. And if you are older and reading this, just know that you make us smile every day. You have the cutest eyes in the world and are so thoughtful and yesterday you looked at my outfit (leggings and a huge shirt) and said "aww..tuute mom." Also, last week you were crying in your bed for a long time, so I went in there and got on your bed with you and we just hugged forever. Then we laid down with our faces next to each other and we put our hands on each other's cheeks. It was was one of my favorite moments in my whole life. You have this new thing you do too. Every time you fall down you say "sawy mom." And you are the best big brother in the world to Jonah. I keep reading about big brothers and sisters saying mean things or doing mean things to their baby brothers or sisters...but you would NEVER do anything mean to Jonah. You always take care of him. Last week you got hurt and were crying- but then Jonah started crying too. Even though you were hurt, you started crying "Jonahhhhh!!" You were so worried about him, that you didn't even care that you were hurt. Every morning, you kiss him on his face and you hold his hand, and every night you hug him before you go to bed. And almost every time he cries, you go find him to tell him "it's okay, Jonah." Tomorrow you and mommy are going on a date. I think you need it. You are so used to having mom all to yourself and now you have to share- so we are going to get ice cream and play at the park. We're leaving Jonah with grandma. And I promise I won't say one word about "listening."
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I have 13 minutes before McKay gets home from work and about negative 30 minutes until I should have started shredding rotisserie chicken (yuck, by the way. so much fat). But I have been DYING to write. I just have no time. Like NONE. Well, that's a lie. But when I have time, I am either sleeping or zombie-like watching TV. Isn't it so fun listening to bloggers give excuses about why they haven't blogged? Ya...annoying. So, ANYWAYS. Our home is almost plague-free...ALMOST. We have all been sick. Even McKay got sick! Poor McKay who got sick and still had to go to work and take the garbage out and everything. I mean, I would, but I literally can't lift it. Now it's down to just Jax and I (and kind of McKay) who are sniffing and wiping our noses. I wipe mine on toilet paper and Jax wipes his on every surface of our house. I used to be one of those people who just got grossed out by other people's kids...like other people's kids snot and pee and poop and coughing- but Jax getting sick this time made me grossed out of my own kid. I'm sorry, but watching your child smear snot on his just-bathed bare arm is disgusting.
Aside from being sick, we have been pretty much home. Cleaning, never-ending laundry and trying to NOT watch TV (as in Jax) every day. Today I said, "Jax! No more TV. Go get a book! Mommy will read it to you!" And he screamed at me "Noooooooo mommmm TTTTTBBBBBEEEE" (that's how he says it), and I just wanted to DIE. Did my child seriously just scream for the TV?! No. So this week I am going to Hobby Lobby to get some Christmas crafts.
We have been on a couple out-of-the-house excursions as a family. We went to the park, which was so good for Jax. And I have ran errands with them and everything. For the most part is has been great- easy easy- and I leave feeling so accomplished like yes, I did just accomplish a shopping trip with two children and neither of them are screaming, give me two more and I'll do it again right now. But then, I have special moments where I realize that no, I am not awesome. For example, yesterday when I literally had to whip my boob out in the middle of COSTCO. Usually crying babies don't stress me out at all, but Jonah was SCREAMING and I could not console him. Thankfully, Jax was being an angel boy in the cart and just sitting there. After I realized that no amount of walking or bouncing would help, I found the first seat I could (and seriously considered just sitting against a wall), ripped my shirt up and stuck it in his mouth. This is the part where some of you may want to stop reading, for the sake of TMI. BUT Jonah is not a consistent nurser like Jax was. He's kind of a latch-on-latch-off-er. So anyone who has nursed knows that when you get things going, they are going, and a baby that decides to stop-and-start may get a face-full...especially when he is under a blanket and his mom can't see what's going on at all. So ya...just...in the middle of Costco. And meanwhile the pharmacist who was sitting directly across from me kept smiling at me in maybe pity, but I took it as a comfort. Also, while I was busy, Jax continuously tried to stick the germ-infested buckle from the cart into his mouth and THANKFULLY a woman came over and tried to get it out of there for me, afterwards saying, I'm a grandma. Which was SO NICE. I love helpful grandmas. Then, we got to the check-out and Jonah was still screaming. I mean, why does the one time I can't console him have to be in the middle of public when I have a cart full of food to empty? Then, again, a good samaritan came. A lady offered to empty my cart for me. I think when she asked she could tell I was hesitating, because for some reason, my initial reaction is just to figure it out on my own- but one of the first things she said was, "I have a newborn at home," and that totally made me feel like okay, yes, she gets it! She doesn't think I'm just a crazy mom who can't even handle two kids at Costco! And the ending to the story is that we went to the car and fed Jonah some more, and then McKay met us for pizza and hot dogs and ice cream, which was perfect. And he even held Jonah while I ate. Oh and one more funny thing is that this couple next to us got a full-on Costco lunch and at the same time, dug into a FULL rotisserie chicken! hahaha.
And my 13 minutes is up, so now I have got to go make dinner! Oh, and in other news, which is kind of sad, Jax now knows a bra is called a "bra," and not "meat." Kind of sad.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
My boys have been sick. Sick babies are the saddest. McKay's cousin said newborns should not be allowed to get sick and it's true. They shouldn't. Two-year-olds shouldn't either. We had all stayed home from church on Sunday together and I read about Whooping Cough for about an hour and pretty soon McKay was reading about it and after while we were just sitting there, evaluating every little thing Jonah did until McKay said, Ali, I really feel like he is fine.
I remember being little and worrying about things and my dad would say the same thing- I feel it is okay Ali, it's not something you need to worry about. There is something comforting about a dad telling you that things will be okay- and now I feel that with McKay.
Yesterday I took Jonah to the doctor and we sat in a corner with a blanket over the car seat while sick kids came in and out. There was a little girl with a mask on coughing and I just kept thinking, please don't come near by baby. Please please stay over there. And she did! But the doctor said that Jonah is fine. Both boys seem better today. We've been watching lots of shows and cuddling on the couch and laying around.
The other day, I was really having a hard morning with Jax- he was really wanting to watch TV, and I was so done with TV...so I brought up the "I Am A Child of God" Mormon Message on my computer. We watched it and watched it and he did not want to stop watching it. It was perfect for that moment. Tonight, we watched it again- lots and lots of times. Then we put Jax to bed around eight (daylight savings is upping our bedtime!) and for like an hour we could hear Jax just talking and singing in his crib. McKay looked at me and I said, just go get him... and so he did, but when he got to his door, he said that Jax was laying facedown, singing "I Am A Child of God." Of course, he had to get him out of his crib then! So we cuddled on the couch for another hour and then he went to bed.
This post is sort of turning into rambling about a bunch of things that don't totally connect.
And this space I am typing in now, has held a bunch of other sentences that I keep deleting because we are now getting to the part that I don't know how to write. I don't know how to write about how much I love being a mom. Or about how much has changed since Jonah came home with us. Or about how much I love my husband who does our dishes and folded like five piles of laundry tonight. And also, it's 11:03 and way past my new bedtime. But I like waking up with Jonah. The sitting-up-in-bed part is hard...but the 20-minutes-later, wide-awake-newborn-lying-next-to-you part is my favorite.
Tonight Jax kissed me on the couch over and over again because I was lying next to him. And tonight I was holding Jonah and he did a real smile looking right at me for the first time. And right now I am going to go lay next to McKay and stick our newborn in the middle of us and thank Heavenly Father for letting me be a mom and a wife because they are the two best things to be in the entire world. And the two things I will never be able to explain.
The boys are finally feeling better today- so this morning, I let them take a bath together. I haven't let them for a few days, just because I didn't know what the rules were with germs and hot water and how all of that works and didn't want to be swirling around snot and germs (and probably pee). This morning though, I woke up feeling rested and said to myself, Ali, the plague in this house is coming to an end. You are going to clean the whole house this week! You can do it little by little, and by the end of the week it will be all done! So today, I was going to do the laundry and maybe clean the bathrooms, but first on the list: wash children. So I told Jax to take his clothes off and get in the bath and I started the hot water and went to grab Jonah. Minutes later, they were both in the bath. I washed Jonah's hair and we were talking and playing and Jax was pouring water on Jonah and Jonah was relaxed and happy and everything was going swimmingly (pun...) but then, Jonah pooped.
Totally normal- this happens 50% of the time. I quickly get Jax out, tell him to get in mommy's bathtub, and then I quickly wash Jonah in the air and everything continues accordingly.
But today was different, I heard crying- and I walked into our bathroom to find this:
So I quickly said, JAX. DO NOT TOUCH THE POOP. JUST A MINUTE. And then I diapered Jonah and obviously grabbed my phone to take pictures.
Soon after, I realized there was poop on everything. Poop on Jonah's towel, poop on his blanket that I almost wrapped him in, and poop on my arm.
But pictures were more important.
Jax! Cover up your wiener so I can show this to people!
So then we were out of bathtubs, so I turned on my shower and stuck Jax in- and then I took care of Jonah. And then I had to wash Jax so I just popped (NOT pooped- even though McKay read this twice and thought it said that) inside the shower with my clothes on and washed him whilst he screamed and cried. It was a lovely morning.