Summer break is over and boys are back at school! I always miss them when they go back, but I think this last summer was the most challenging summer yet. Jax and Jonah are both in select soccer and while I love to watch them play, we still haven't quite found our balance. I've been feeling a lot of "divine discontent." I know we're doing a lot of right things, but also could do a lot better. I am trying to get back to a slower pace- like when the boys are little. I think I can find it if I prioritize thing better, but especially by being careful about how much I agree to do and how I spend my time. Motherhood is my most important calling and I want to be attentive and patient an loving and teach my kids things and genuinely enjoy every role I get to play in their lives. I love that I feel an internal discontentment when something is off-kilter and it has been lately. I spent this morning picking up the house and grocery shopping and lying with Rosie before her nap and reading my scriptures and I feel much better. I am amazed that even when I'm obviously struggling in the most important aspects of my life, I continue to receive blessings and impressions and even miracles, day after day. It reminds me that Heavenly Father will help me even in my imperfection (not that I'll ever be perfect), but He sees my effort and recognizes the long (long) way I have to go to get to where He needs me to be. I think one of the most profound truths I have learned in this season of motherhood is that He always meets me where I am. Which I am so grateful for and so amazed by.
We are still working with Aimee to try for baby #5. We spent the summer getting her first appointment done and everything else in order. Last is the legal contract, so that is what we are working on now. I am hoping we get it done soon. I keep being surprised at how calm I feel. I don't feel flustered or nervous or overwhelmed at all. This is actually the simplest part of my life right now. It feels like such a natural way for me to get my babies. Sometimes I have moments where I want to pause time because I know the beauty that is coming. I am praying for not too many hard things, but there is even beauty in the hard. I still feel so lucky that I get to experience babies this way. I get the baby (hopefully) but also get to experience divine sisterhood in a way that so many don't. Also, bringing a baby into this world with so much reliance on the Holy Ghost. I know Rosie was meant to be mine because I was in all the details and it's such a sacred realm to be in. I can't wait to be there again. I am trying to remember not to be casual about it, and I know I won't if Aimee is pregnant. But for now, I'm appreciating the lightness I feel- the lack of a huge heavy stressful load. I know God is at the helm and I am so grateful He is.
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