I hadn't been to the cemetery since mom's burial. Not really for any particular reason- I just didn't feel drawn to it. I didn't think it would feel significant to me. I know mom isn't in her body, in fact, I think she's around me and her children and grandchildren a lot. Also, I think she's teaching others on the other side. I thought the cemetery would just feel empty. We were sealed to Rosie last Friday and in the days leading up to it, I thought about going to the cemetery. I wanted to invite mom to come. I'm not sure if that sounds silly, but I thought if I were there and she knew I was, she would know I was just there for her and that it was important. I had a lot to do that day and was still deciding if I wanted to, but that Thursday morning I was craving a good breakfast and Rosie and I ended up right by the cemetery (I never go to that part of town), so I felt like things were falling into place and I should go.
It took me a long time to find the headstone. I must have driven around the whole cemetery at least twice. I knew the general area, but ended up going to the office where they gave me a map. As soon as I was sure I was in the right place, I knew without reading the names which was mom's. The brightest and most beautiful in the most perfect spot. Right near a tree that changes with the seasons and kind of in it's own space (also some hydrangeas that Ron had left were still there). I made Rosie a bottle and grabbed a blanket and decided I would stay as long as it took me to feed her the bottle. I wanted my mom that weekend so bad. We had struggled to know who to bring to the temple. I wanted it to be just the six of us, but we needed an escort couple for the kids and nothing felt quite right. I just wanted mom to be there. I told her that I wished it could just be her with us and that I wanted her to come, and to also help me to know she was there. I was surprised bu how much I loved being at the cemetery. It was warm (but not just from the weather), and peaceful and calm and safe. It felt so similar to the temple to me. Maybe my mom made it that way because she knew we would visit her there- or maybe she was just nearby. I thought to myself while I was there that I wanted to be there more because I loved how it felt. I talked to my mom and cried and kissed Rosie and snuggled her close. I looked out at all the graves and felt like the place was full of spirits. That what I was seeing was a big empty lot of headstones but what I felt there was so much more. So many lives lived, so much love, so many legacies, and so many spirits who had graduated to the next life. I know there were more people there than what I could see. It felt full, just like mom's hospital room. But also quiet and peaceful and sacred. It made me feel like the things I sometimes worry about are so insignificant. So small. All that matters is that we make and keep our temple covenants and that we get to be with our families forever. I miss my mom.
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