Missing Mom

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Rosie has been fussy at night lately and McKay and I have taken turns walking the kitchen with her. She's a much lighter sleeper than the boys, so she wakes up sometimes so tired, but needs to be walked to sleep. Usually McKay is home and he missed her, so he wants to walk with her- but tonight he's at the church. I got her to sleep around 7:30 and then helped the boys finish getting ready for bed, but they woke her up, so I got the boys settled and took Rosie downstairs with me. 

All day, she's wanted me to carry her around- which I don't mind, but I'm tired and hadn't eaten dinner (still haven't), so I wanted to see if I could get her to fall asleep on the couch so I could eat and wash my face really quick. I laid her on the couch and as soon as she realized she was put down, she cried hard. I started singing- Primary songs first, and then songs from Wicked. I'm not the best singer, but singing calms Rosie and after about 20 minutes of me singing, she fell asleep. I was looking at her face and trying to memorize it all. I remember catching my mom in moments like that with my siblings. I know lots of women who are good moms, but not any who soak their kids in like my mom always did. She memorized and knows everything about all of us. 

I thought about the things my mom would probably notice and love about Rosie. I know it would be everything. I thought about how much I wanted to call my mom and talk to her about my day and the kids. I would tell her all the funny and cute things they have done and said lately. I would tell her I was tired and she would tell us all to come over and she'd make dinner. I think back to last year and now I can see how sick she was. How much there was she didn't do that I know she wanted to. Two years ago, we were all stuck inside. We couldn't trick or treat because of Covid. In just an hour, my mom threw together the best Halloween party for my kids. I miss her being here. I miss her here healthy. 

I think my life has been compensated in ways I need it to be- friends to talk to, words of encouragement I get from random people or strangers or friends of my mom (some of them word things like she would and I am so grateful for that), but there is still such a void. Sometimes I feel it more than other times, but lately I've just felt it big. I just miss her. I want to see her with Rosie. I want to see her with my boys. I want to go there for dinner and just sit on her couch and know she understands everything about me but we don't have to talk about it. I miss my mom.