My Wells Baby!

 I have had it in the back of my mind to write down the story of Wells' birth and it has felt overwhleming to me because there is SO much that went in to getting out sweet boy to us. So many small promptings, big promptings, trips to the temple, thinking hard about things and so so so many miracles. There are several places I have written things down and taken little notes and there is no way I could possible compile all that here, but I wanted to still write down his birth story and a few things surrounding it that I never want to forget (although I never ever could). 

I started feeling like it was time to start preparing for another baby when Rosie was almost a year old. I had some preparatory promptings and feelings, but when she was a year, I knew we really needed to get moving. We put the word out we were looking for a surrogate and after lots of prayer and talking to some amazing women, we felt really good about Aimee. She was so patient as I thought it out in my mind and one particular week (the week of her birthday) I told her that I was close to deciding for sure, but needed the weekend. I remember I was washing dishes that week and just thought...I don't really need to make her wait if I know it's her. So I turned off the sink and knelt down right there and felt so peaceful about Aimee. I asked her if she would be willing to carry a baby for us and she was so happy and excited- and she continued to be just so positive and happy and enthusiastic and supportive the ENTIRE time. 

Our first transfer failed. I was confused and frustrated because I had felt right about the decisions we made so far. I wasn't sure what we had done wrong and wondered what the purpose of a failed transfer was, and also what we needed to do next. I went to the temple with McKay and felt frustrated inside. At the end of the endowment session, I watched as others in the temple gathered together in prayer. As they prayed and I watched them, I had a thought come to my mind- there are people surrounding your baby right now, just like this, preparing them to come to you. It felt like a window into heaven and I thought to myself- of course they are. We are surrounded in prayer before so many important events and of course there are loved ones surrounding my baby, preparing him or her for their earthly experience. It gave me so much hope. I knew there was a baby coming to me, but I still felt like there were decisions I needed to make with the spirit.

The next little while, I continued to think and pray. It was hard and at times confusing as I wrestled with the spirit, but always there was an underlying peace. Aimee and I talked about things she could do to possible make the transfer more successful and all of that felt helpful, but not quite "it." I decided to go back to the temple and this time I went alone while McKay watched the other kids. I tried to go with a peaceful heart and no expectations. I have learned that guidance comes easier when I come with an open heart rather than expecting Heavenly Father to tell me something specific. I sat through the session and participated in the prayer at the end of it. As we prayed, my mind went back to my previous experience in the temple and thinking about loved ones gathered around my baby in preparation for them to come to earth. Suddenly, clearly in my mind came my mom's voice saying, "Ali, you have a darling baby boy waiting to come to you." It was so profound and special to me. I had never heard a voice in my mind like that and I knew my mom was helping me. I knew we needed to transfer a boy and I spent the next while praying about which one to transfer. 

Our next transfer was right between Easter and General Conference- the perfect time for me to feel peace. The Tuesday Aimee was going to tell me the results, I was teaching my fitness class and my friends suggested we say a prayer together. It was the sweetest prayer offered by my friend Katie. Then I drove to the cemetery to be near mom and grandma and told Aimee to text me the results. After a few minutes, she texted me pictures of positive pregnancy tests. I was just crying and praying and so so happy. It was such a special day and moment. 

A couple weeks later, Aimee called me in the morning. It was the morning of our stake conference and we didn't typically talk on the phone so I knew it may not be good. She was crying and said she had some symptoms of a miscarriage. I told her it wasn't her fault and tried to comfort her but was so sad. We went to stake conference that day and I felt numb. I didn't understand. Aimee had gone to the emergency room where they couldn't find a heartbeat and told her she had likely miscarriaged. She had an ultrsound in two weeks that would show the heartbeat, but I was prepared for the worst. Our fertility doctor encouraged us to still attend that ultrasound just in case so Rosie and I flew to AZ. It's hard to describe what I was feeling for those two weeks- numbness, sadness, confusion, but also some hope. She hadn't had consistent bleeding and was still having some signs of pregnancy- so it was all up in the air. When she had the ultrasound thought, we immediately saw the tiny sweet flicker of a heartbeat! It was the greatest miracle and became the sweetest day. Rosie and I flew home that day so happy to have a baby boy on the way. 

The rest of the pregnancy was pretty typical and Aimee was amazingly positive. She was due December 19th, but had had her own girls over a week early, so we were pretty positive Wells would come even earlier. I planned to fly to AZ on December 5th when she would be 38 weeks. Earlier that week, Aimee thought her water possibly broke, so grandpa drove McKay and I to the airport just in case it had. Aimee found out at the hospital that it had not been her water when we were almost there. We ended up getting a burger with grandpa and going back home. I flew alone to AZ on the 5th as planned and got there pretty sick. Jax was at home with pnemonia and I was in AZ with what felt like a bad fever and cough. I climbed into my hotel bed right when I got there and rested as much as I could. I wanted Wells to be born but also worried because I was sick. Aimee had two appointments a week, so I went to those appointments with her. I thought I would be there for maybe five days at the most before the baby was born. Her doctor said she could be induced at 39 weeks, so I thought the latest he would be born would be the 12th. McKay was nervous- he didn't want to leave the kids to long, but definitely didn't want to miss our baby's birth. Aimee wasn't progressing a ton or having any consistent contractions. There was a time we went to the hospital thinking her water broke, but it hadn't. There were also a few nights we thought her contractions were leading to something, but they never did. McKay flew to AZ on December 10th at 7am. We thought we would have just a couple days until he was born, but we were wrong again. We both went to Aimee's appointment with her that Thursday where she still hadn't progressed much, and we were told they would schedule an indiction. We assumed it would be that weekend, since she would be 39 weeks on the 12th. The hospital called back and said they we so full, they couldn't schedule her until the 19th, which would be her due date. We were so defeated- all of us! McKay and I tried to make the best of our time in AZ. We went and saw Wicked, shopped, ate, spent time with Aimee and Andy, but we worried about our kids at home who we were away from for so long, and wanted our baby to be born! Meanwhile, Papa John went to Indiana to take Jax to the national race (Jax had pnemonia and felt terrible). We just couldn't wait to get our baby home. 

The evening of the 18th, Aimee thought her water had broke. We all went to triage and it hadn't broken. We all went back to our homes and hotels and then at about 5:45am on the morning of the 19th, Aimee called to tell me that she was sure her water had broken. We all rushed to the hospital. It felt a lot more real and it had really broken! As soon as we walked into the delivery room, I went to the bassinet. I couldn't wait for my baby to be in my arms. Aimee's contractions were regular and got closer together and more painful. She reminded me a lot of myself in labor- just quiet and calm. She wanted us to be in the room and let us stay with her and Andy the whole time, which was so special. We talked and laughed and just spent time together. We love Aimee and Andy and have always had such an easy relationship with them. When Aimee got less comfortable, she got her epidural. We all stayed in the room- no one wanted to miss anything. We were also trying not to eat in front of her when she couldn't eat, but close to the evening, Andy, McKay and I took turns running to the cafeteria while she slept. I stayed with her and went last, and as soon as I got back, I could tell she was getting close to pushing. I finished my sandwich as quick as I could in the corner of the room and went to be by Aimee. The doctor came in and got everything ready. Aimee got in position to push and I could already see Wells' head. It felt so sacred and special, it was indescribable. I could tell he had a ton of hair! I made McKay come look at his hair (even though he was okay not being down in that area, haha) Aimee was totally okay with it. She pushed just a few times and he was out! He cried right away and the first thing I noticed was how furry his little body was! He had the furriest shoulders and arms and back and I just wanted to snuggle him. I felt the most intense love, and also the most intense relief. He was here and as soon as he was in my arms, I didn't want to let go. I also felt so much gratitude for Aimee and all she did for us (Andy too). I remember thinking that I would want to leave the room with my baby as soon as I could, but I really felt comfortable just sitting in there with McKay and Aimee and Andy. I just loved the spirit in the room. I just felt like so much love and so much sacrifice and sisterhood and miracles. We were sitting in a realm of miracles and I felt so incredible grateful for Aimee and all she had done for me and our family. Because of her, I had my baby boy- and all of it was optional for her. 

The nurse made my put him in a bassinet to transfer him to our room, and I remember being a little annoyed by that. I just wanted to hold him and carry him and keep him close. But I understood, so we put him in it and wheeled him to our room. I got to ring a special bell signaling that a new baby was born! We got to our (tiny) room called a "bonding room." It was an old delivery room that the hospital was kind of using as a storage room. At first I wondered how we would survive in there for 24 hours. It was basically a closet. But once we were in there alone with Wells, I didn't even notice the time. I just enjoyed every single second with him. Our nurse was really sweet and told me that she could tell I knew what I was doing and she wouldn't bug us a whole bunch. The nurses also sometimes forgot to check on us, because we were in such a weird room! The hospital wasn't set up for surrogacy like OR hospitals. We just spent the next 24 hours cuddling and staring at Wells and calling family and trying to come up with a middle name. We chose Angus, and grandpa Gary was so happy about that. It felt so right because I know grandpa Pop has been close to me as I've gone through some hard things- particularly during cancer years. We wanted to fly home as soon as we could, so they did a special test to make sure Wells could handle the place. Since he was 8 lbs and 12 oz, it was likely he would be fine and he passed the test perfectly. He had to sit in a carseat in the NICU for whole hour while they monitored him. They told us we could stay in our room but of course we went and sat with him. We left the hospital the day after he was born at around 11. We went to our hotel (where we had waited what felt like SO long for him). It was surreal to finally be there with our baby! Then we stopped by Aimee and Andy's house to say goodbye and flew home the next morning. I carried Wells in the solly wrap in the airport and just basked in the joy of having a newborn again. On the plane I had to change seats because the lady next to us was coughing so bad, and Wells did perfectly. He just snuggled into me. Any time he got fussy, I could calm him down instantly. I just felt like we had waited so long to be together. I was so happy and excited and relieved to finally have my sweet little furry miracle baby boy! 

Fall & Babies

Summer break is over and boys are back at school! I always miss them when they go back, but I think this last summer was the most challenging summer yet. Jax and Jonah are both in select soccer and while I love to watch them play, we still haven't quite found our balance. I've been feeling a lot of "divine discontent." I know we're doing a lot of right things, but also could do a lot better. I am trying to get back to a slower pace- like when the boys are little. I think I can find it if I prioritize thing better, but especially by being careful about how much I agree to do and how I spend my time. Motherhood is my most important calling and I want to be attentive and patient an loving and teach my kids things and genuinely enjoy every role I get to play in their lives. I love that I feel an internal discontentment when something is off-kilter and it has been lately. I spent this morning picking up the house and grocery shopping and lying with Rosie before her nap and reading my scriptures and I feel much better. I am amazed that even when I'm obviously struggling in the most important aspects of my life, I continue to receive blessings and impressions and even miracles, day after day. It reminds me that Heavenly Father will help me even in my imperfection (not that I'll ever be perfect), but He sees my effort and recognizes the long (long) way I have to go to get to where He needs me to be. I think one of the most profound truths I have learned in this season of motherhood is that He always meets me where I am. Which I am so grateful for and so amazed by. 

We are still working with Aimee to try for baby #5. We spent the summer getting her first appointment done and everything else in order. Last is the legal contract, so that is what we are working on now. I am hoping we get it done soon. I keep being surprised at how calm I feel. I don't feel flustered or nervous or overwhelmed at all. This is actually the simplest part of my life right now. It feels like such a natural way for me to get my babies. Sometimes I have moments where I want to pause time because I know the beauty that is coming. I am praying for not too many hard things, but there is even beauty in the hard. I still feel so lucky that I get to experience babies this way. I get the baby (hopefully) but also get to experience divine sisterhood in a way that so many don't. Also, bringing a baby into this world with so much reliance on the Holy Ghost. I know Rosie was meant to be mine because I was in all the details and it's such a sacred realm to be in. I can't wait to be there again. I am trying to remember not to be casual about it, and I know I won't if Aimee is pregnant. But for now, I'm appreciating the lightness I feel- the lack of a huge heavy stressful load. I know God is at the helm and I am so grateful He is. 

Surrogacy Journey #2

 Oh man! It's been too long since I've written on here. It's become such a safe space though when I do, because I know no one reads it. It's kind of like an online journal. I knew I wanted one more baby (and who knows, I still don't really like saying "one more"), but definitely another after Rosie. Our family isn't complete- I wasn't ready to be done with this season of life and Ro definitely needs a buddy to grow up with. I was going to start thinking about it when she was six months, but it didn't feel right yet and I wasn't ready. I guess I wanted to start that early because I knew how long it could take- but I have had a couple really distinct impressions that I could go about this as if I was getting pregnant myself. Meaning, I could start when I was ready to start and Heavenly Father would take care of the timing.

Over the past few years, my trust in Him has multiplied and continued multiplying. How grateful I am for a Father in Heaven who I can share my concerns with and trust to help me with every aspect of them. He cares that I feel like my baby-carrying season was cut so short, and He showed me another way. This time looking for a surrogate has felt different. I know what to do. I know what it looks like. Of course, I know this is a different surrogate and our journey will be special and unique in it's own ways- but I am comfortable having a baby this way. I am so grateful I can have a baby this way. There are special miracles that can only happen here. I know we have at least one more baby in our family. I feel really stretched sometimes with what I have- but also, feel space for one more. More than that, I know that God can help me expand and will grow my capacity to what it needs to be for my family. 

Missing Mom

Rosie has been fussy at night lately and McKay and I have taken turns walking the kitchen with her. She's a much lighter sleeper than the boys, so she wakes up sometimes so tired, but needs to be walked to sleep. Usually McKay is home and he missed her, so he wants to walk with her- but tonight he's at the church. I got her to sleep around 7:30 and then helped the boys finish getting ready for bed, but they woke her up, so I got the boys settled and took Rosie downstairs with me. 

All day, she's wanted me to carry her around- which I don't mind, but I'm tired and hadn't eaten dinner (still haven't), so I wanted to see if I could get her to fall asleep on the couch so I could eat and wash my face really quick. I laid her on the couch and as soon as she realized she was put down, she cried hard. I started singing- Primary songs first, and then songs from Wicked. I'm not the best singer, but singing calms Rosie and after about 20 minutes of me singing, she fell asleep. I was looking at her face and trying to memorize it all. I remember catching my mom in moments like that with my siblings. I know lots of women who are good moms, but not any who soak their kids in like my mom always did. She memorized and knows everything about all of us. 

I thought about the things my mom would probably notice and love about Rosie. I know it would be everything. I thought about how much I wanted to call my mom and talk to her about my day and the kids. I would tell her all the funny and cute things they have done and said lately. I would tell her I was tired and she would tell us all to come over and she'd make dinner. I think back to last year and now I can see how sick she was. How much there was she didn't do that I know she wanted to. Two years ago, we were all stuck inside. We couldn't trick or treat because of Covid. In just an hour, my mom threw together the best Halloween party for my kids. I miss her being here. I miss her here healthy. 

I think my life has been compensated in ways I need it to be- friends to talk to, words of encouragement I get from random people or strangers or friends of my mom (some of them word things like she would and I am so grateful for that), but there is still such a void. Sometimes I feel it more than other times, but lately I've just felt it big. I just miss her. I want to see her with Rosie. I want to see her with my boys. I want to go there for dinner and just sit on her couch and know she understands everything about me but we don't have to talk about it. I miss my mom. 

Hi, Mom!

I hadn't been to the cemetery since mom's burial. Not really for any particular reason- I just didn't feel drawn to it. I didn't think it would feel significant to me. I know mom isn't in her body, in fact, I think she's around me and her children and grandchildren a lot. Also, I think she's teaching others on the other side. I thought the cemetery would just feel empty. We were sealed to Rosie last Friday and in the days leading up to it, I thought about going to the cemetery. I wanted to invite mom to come. I'm not sure if that sounds silly, but I thought if I were there and she knew I was, she would know I was just there for her and that it was important. I had a lot to do that day and was still deciding if I wanted to, but that Thursday morning I was craving a good breakfast and Rosie and I ended up right by the cemetery (I never go to that part of town), so I felt like things were falling into place and I should go.

It took me a long time to find the headstone. I must have driven around the whole cemetery at least twice. I knew the general area, but ended up going to the office where they gave me a map. As soon as I was sure I was in the right place, I knew without reading the names which was mom's. The brightest and most beautiful in the most perfect spot. Right near a tree that changes with the seasons and kind of in it's own space (also some hydrangeas that Ron had left were still there). I made Rosie a bottle and grabbed a blanket and decided I would stay as long as it took me to feed her the bottle. I wanted my mom that weekend so bad. We had struggled to know who to bring to the temple. I wanted it to be just the six of us, but we needed an escort couple for the kids and nothing felt quite right. I just wanted mom to be there. I told her that I wished it could just be her with us and that I wanted her to come, and to also help me to know she was there. I was surprised bu how much I loved being at the cemetery. It was warm (but not just from the weather), and peaceful and calm and safe. It felt so similar to the temple to me. Maybe my mom made it that way because she knew we would visit her there- or maybe she was just nearby. I thought to myself while I was there that I wanted to be there more because I loved how it felt. I talked to my mom and cried and kissed Rosie and snuggled her close. I looked out at all the graves and felt like the place was full of spirits. That what I was seeing was a big empty lot of headstones but what I felt there was so much more. So many lives lived, so much love, so many legacies, and so many spirits who had graduated to the next life. I know there were more people there than what I could see. It felt full, just like mom's hospital room. But also quiet and peaceful and sacred. It made me feel like the things I sometimes worry about are so insignificant. So small. All that matters is that we make and keep our temple covenants and that we get to be with our families forever. I miss my mom. 

 

Dream Girl

 Oh my Ro girl. I haven't been the best at writing, but I decided today (again) that I am going to try to be better. Truth is, life feels like it's going at rapid speed. The days seem so busy, although I wonder what we're so busy with. I know I need to slow down but then I wake up and the day begins and it mostly feels impossible. What I do know, is that Rosie has changed me. She has filled something inside me that so desperately needed her. It sounds silly to say, considering I've had her in my arms for over two months now, but she still seems too good to be true. Maybe she will seem like that forever to me. I wish I could could come up with a way to describe it that doesn't sound so cliche. I probably could, but she's lying next to me wanting to be held so I need to make this quick. 

Tonight McKay took the boys to the church to play basketball. As much as I love the boys, I have wanted some time where it's quiet in our home and it's just me and Rosie. Still sometimes I am wanting for something to go wrong. I'm not sure if I can totally let myself believe this is my life yet. 

Rosie's Birth Story

Rosie was due on May 26th, 2022. Months before she was born, Camille went back and forth, trying to decide if she wanted to be induced or not. Ultimately, she decided to be induced. She and Dr. Barrett decided on May 20th (which was a Friday) for her induction date. I could hardly wait and at the same time, felt like nothing was ready. We were in the middle of house renovations and I so badly wanted everything to be just perfect when we brought Rosie home. The months before she was born were spent gutting closets and ordering things for the nursery and my very favorite- folding Rosie’s tiny clothes. We lived with grandma and grandpa for a few weeks while things on our house were completed and grandma and I planned out all Rosie’s outfits for Portland. We even made sure her headbands and swaddles matched her pajamas. Everyone was beside themselves with excitement.

I very often felt a feeling like I didn’t want it to happen yet- not because I didn’t want to hold Rosie in my arms (which I wanted more than anything) but just because I could sense that it was going to be one of the most sacred and special experiences of me entire life and I didn’t want it to be over. I wanted to just stay in the excited anticipation I was feeling to hold my little girl- but I also knew that nothing would be better than actually holding her.

McKay and I decided to leave for Portland on a Wednesday. We left the boys with grandma and grandpa for the school week and then Friday night, Papa John picked them up and had them until Saturday when we got back home. As McKay and I left Seattle, we stopped at Molly Moon’s and I got a hot fudge brownie sundae. I sat there just thinking how wonderful life was. I was eating my favorite treat and I was about to meet my baby girl. We got to Portland and met Camille and Bryce for dinner. We talked about how we wanted things to go at the hospital, but all I remember is just feeling so much love for Camille. I just so badly wanted everything to go exactly as she wanted it. I never worried one second that her desires would be contrary to what I would want for our baby. I just knew our baby girl was in the very best hands. Looking back, that is one of the greatest blessings of our whole experience. I never ever worried about my baby. I trusted Camille almost more than I trust myself, and I am so grateful Heavenly Father brought us together. There are so many qualities Camille has that were (and are) such a blessing to me.

 

Although the induction date was set for Friday, we found out that Dr. Barrett was thinking of having Camille check in Thursday night and begin a low dose of pitocin. McKay and I spend all of Thursday getting ready. For some reason, it felt like I had forgotten one million things- so we went out to breakfast and then drove around doing random errands to grab things I had forgotten (like a duffel bag for the hospital!) Originally, I wanted to go to the temple the day before Rosie was born. I knew going there would help me be in the mindset I wanted to be in, but honestly I was so excited and unable to be still, we just kept busy instead. Camille and Bryce were checking in that night, so we met them at the hospital and I went inside with them when they checked into their room. 

I was trying really hard to decipher what Camille needed from me. I wanted her to feel absolutely supported but I also didn’t want to be in the way. I knew if I were in her shoes, I would probably just want to relax- so we all decided I would go in to the hospital, meet her nurse, and then leave. At that point, we were sure who could be in the delivery room. Bryce was the first priority so he could be there supporting Camille. I felt like they would let me, but we still weren’t sure about McKay. I went in to the hospital with them and met the nurse. It all felt so surreal- checking in at the bottom floor- then checking in on the floor she would deliver on. It felt like a dream. I couldn’t quite grasp it because it all felt too good to be true. I couldn’t believe it was happening. We got to the room and Camille got in bed. Bryce and I sat on the couch and the nurse handed us pamphlets with information. I was happy she had some for me- as I wasn’t sure how involved I got to be. The packet had birth certificate information and baby safety hand-outs and I just felt so much gratitude that I was actually on that couch, in that hospital about to have my own baby. 

I wanted to give Camille some space so I left the room for a moment to walk into our room next door. They had a room set up for us right next to Camille’s- Room 317. There was a bed and a bassinet and everything there would be as if I was delivering in that room. I set my water and packet on the table next to the bed and walked over to the bassinet. I carefully touched it and looked at the tiny hat. Every second felt like the best dream I still couldn’t quite grasp. 

Camille kept us updated constantly. The plan was for her water to be broken early the next morning, so McKay and I got up early, packed, and made sure we were ready to go. Camille and Bryce were great at keeping in contact with us. As the morning went on, I learned that there were quite a few times Camille was in a lot of pain. She would text me whenever she could and then other times, Bryce would text us. She had tested positive for Group B Strep, so she needed an antibiotic for about four hours before delivering. Because the nurse didn’t give it to her in time, the doctor couldn’t break her water early as planned. That meant Camille had to endure labor for longer. McKay and I wanted to be near, but give her space- so we got a smoothie near the hospital. It was important to Camille that she had space while she was laboring so she didn’t have to worry about McKay and I seeing her uncomfortable (and there was nothing that I wanted except for her to have everything exactly how she wanted it). For a while, we assured her that we were not at the hospital- but then she started to get worried that she would have the baby without us there, so she wanted us close. We ended up just parking in the hospital parking garage, so we were right there when she wanted us to come up.

Not long after, we got a text From Bryce telling us that Camille was ready for us to go to our room! We walked in the hospital and went straight there. A nurse came in and explained how things would go after our baby was born. She asked if I would like to do skin-to-skin in our room, or Camille’s room. I knew I wanted to be there for Camille, but I also wanted alone time with my baby. We decided that I would stay in the room with Camille for a few minutes and then go to our room next door. Camille wanted the same thing! The nurses were so great at feeling us out and helping us have the experience that both of us needed and wanted. It also helped and Camille and I have so much love for eachother. I know we both wanted the other to be happy and comfortable just as much (or more) as we wanted it for ourselves.

Once the nurse left, I sat in the bed and McKay sat on the couch. I don’t remember talking much- just being so nervous and so excited. One feeling I felt that I didn’t expect was concern for the baby’s hea;th and safety. It had nothing to do with Camille- just that I felt so far from her. It surprised me because feeling like that hasn’t been on my radar. I just so wanted to be with my baby and feel her move and hear her heartbeat and know she was okay. At this point, we were updating friends and family. 

Within just a short time, Bryce sent us a text and told us that it was time to come in the room. McKay and I were both able to be in there, which was such a blessing. We walked over to the left side of the bed. Camille was following the doctors pushing instructions and was doing so amazing. I will never forget Bryce standing next to her, rubbing her head and holding her hand and gently encouraging her. One of the most sacred things I witnessed was his love for her. Camille was pushing and McKay was staying by her head. I was trying to, but I couldn’t help peeking at Rosie coming out. I could see all her hair and she was still in her little sac. As Camille pushed again, Rosie’s head came out and I could see her sweet face. She looked like she was sleeping and I immediately started crying. She was so perfect and she was here. I think McKay was right behind me. All I could do was stare at her and pray that she was safe and okay and would cry. They slit the sac and Camille kept pushing until her shoulders were out. Because they did delayed cord clamping, they didn’t cut the cord right away, so they put Rosie right on Camille’s tummy. Rosie immediately started crying. Camille and I both had our hands on her. I rubbed Rosie’s back and just kept looking at her and Camille. We were all crying. I am not sure I have ever felt the amount of gratitude I did in that moment for Camille. The doctor let me cut the cord and then the nurse said “Okay mama, take your baby.” Even typing that makes me teary. I had been waiting to hear those words for so long. I picked up Rosie and walked over to the rocker next to Camille’s bed and just held her and cried. All the prayers, all the crying and hoping and fasting and begging…she was in my arms. Still when I hold her, I can’t wrap my mind around it. I think because she is such a miracle, she will always be a little out of reach for me, because of what a sacred and incredible and miraculous gift she is. She feels too good to even be true and I think she always will.

I sat and held Rosie in the room, and while I was doing that, the doctor was tending to Camille. Camille and I looked at eachother and I mouthed to her and asked if she wanted me to go into the next room, and she smiled and nodded. I wanted to be with her as long as she wanted, but she had also told me that she wanted privacy until she was cleaned up, which I completely understood. We went back to our room and I just climbed into the bed with my baby and cuddled her! We did skin to skin. The nurse brought in a bottle of breast milk (which I had chosen when given the option between that and formula). She helped me feed her the first time and then I was fine doing it myself. For hours and hours I just cuddled my baby, and looked at her, and took pictures, and cuddled some more- and offered silent prayers of gratitude to Heavenly Father. We were also texting Camille and Bryce and checking on Camille constantly. 

Around five, they moved us down the hall to new rooms. They were smaller, but still next to each other. We didn’t see each other until we were after we were in our new rooms, and Camille had had the chance to shower. McKay got pizza, so Camille came over and ate pizza and held Rosie! Bryce had gone home to check on the kids, so he got to our room a little after. Seeing Camille hold Rosie brought me so much joy. Camille will eternally be a part of our lives. Bringing her to earth is significant and sacred and I know this has always been the plan. The love I feel for Camille is heavenly and really impossible to describe. And that makes sense, because this plan was so divinely orchestrated. This experience was not of this world. so of course I don’t have the words. Camille and Bryce both held Rosie and we all just talked and ate and loved on Rosie. Then they went back to their room, and McKay and I cuddled our girl for the rest of the night. 

Rosie (whose name was “Roa” in the hospital) was a great eater! She usually ate twice as much as what the nurses would bring her. I called them often to bring more breastmilk (which is what she ate the whole time we were in the hospital). I cuddled her all night and then in the morning, McKay went to get breakfast sandwiches. I brought half of mine to Camille and not long after that, Camille and Bryce got to go home. We were at the hospital until the afternoon so Rosie could get all the test she needed. I just held her and stared at her and kissed her and then kissed her some more! 

Finally, it was time to leave the hospital. SinceI hadn’t just given birth, I was able to walk out. I held her close and felt like the luckiest person who had ever lived. When we walked out of the doors, it was beautiful and sunny and it hit me again that I finally finally had my baby girl. I just cried as we walked to the car. 

Some of my very favorite moments in the hospital-

Handing her to McKay for the first time. He told me to take all the time I needed, but I LOVE handing my babies to their daddy. He was instantly in love. I could see it all over his face. Just totally smitten with his little girl.

Having matching jammies with Camille and having her get in bed with me so we could snuggle Rosie!

Relaxing with my baby girl on my chest and reminding myself over and over that this was actually real

Calling the boys and showing them their new little sister

Texting my family the first picture of her- just a shot of all her hair!

Watching Bryce with Camille

When the nurse said “Okay mama, take your baby.”

Walking to my own room carrying my brand new baby girl

Putting the tiny clothes on Rosie that we had brought for her 

Brushing her hair! 

Starting at her non-stop

*And after we left the hospital, we were talking about how we couldn't quite call her “Roa.” We loved the name but it just didn’t feel right. Rosie came into my head. I said it a couple times out loud and we both knew it instantly- she was our Rosie girl. 

He Lives

I love sharing my testimony on Easter Sunday. This is probably the first time in a long time I've written something privately. Okay, this isn't totally private- but feels private to me. I just don't have the desire to today. Everything feels sacred and quiet and inside me and heavy. It feels like every single one of my spiritual senses is heightened. I am feeling for my mom and I am waiting for my baby. I feel anxiety in the waiting. Hoping everything will go okay and absolutely waiting for the ball to drop at any second. I so desperately want everything to feel light and perfect and happy- and it sometimes does. But also this feels like potentially the best upcoming month of my life and I am so hesitant to be all in. I hate being hesitant. 

Cash slept on his neck weird last night and had a sore neck all day. I was feeling it and felt a knot and knots to me feel like lumps. I am not sure where my logic has gone, but it's gone. My heart is so full and excited and insanely sensitive right now. McKay waited downstairs for an hour for me to cut his head while I sat upstairs next to sleeping Cash, crying and googling pediatric sarcoma. I am just so sure Heavenly Father has another huge trial for me. Since Camille has been pregnant, I have had the impression several times to enjoy this. To know that things are taken care of, my baby girl will be healthy and okay and that I can relinquish all my fears. I have been worried about several things lately- not concerning the baby but with me and then Cash. Not very logical things, just worries. We aren't living at home right now and I have missed praying in my closet. Yesterday, I had to run home alone to grab something and as I was leaving, I had the thought to go up to my closet to pray. I felt a little angry. I asked why my life has to be full of constant worrying. I told Heavenly Father that I have been so willing to be patient, to accept what has come my way. But this time, I would just like an answer. I would like to know if I needed to worry or not. I felt a peaceful feeling come over me and words come to my mind, "But I already have done that," and I felt the responsibility I put on Him shift to me- and I knew that really what I needed to do was trust Him. 

I love the Savior and my relationship with Him has become so personal the last several years. I have always known deep in my soul that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I have never questioned that. But honestly I wondered where the Savior fit into my story. It seems silly to question that now, as He is in every part. And leading up to this Easter (and all of today) the word that has been on my mind the most is "impossible," because wow have so many things felt impossible to me. First of all, healing- in every way. My body, my MIND, my HEART, my ability to mother my children with the instincts and confidence I used to. Also it feels impossible that I have to go through this life without my mom. I am not sure I can grasp that yet. Knowing how to explain the world we live in to my children seems impossible. Raising my kids in a ward with barely any children seems impossible. Us belonging here seems impossible (okay, not impossible, but hard). My cancer staying away feels impossible at times- so does walking through life without worry and fear. So many things feel impossible to me, and I think they are, without the Savior. But because of the Savior, all those things are possible. All of them. And so much more. I know it because I have felt it. I have experienced it. I have felt impossible things be possible and present in my life.

I love knowing that the Savior knows everything I feel. Nothing is new to Him. Nothing is a surprise. He has a plan for everything- a salve for everything. He always knows what to say even when no one else does. He knows how to make me feel before I even know what I need. He knows where to tell me to look when I don't even know what I'm looking for. I never have to be without hope. I never have to feel like anything is broken, or lost, or ruined. Absolutely everything is possible. The greatest happiness and peace and calm I have ever felt, is possible- even when it's not. It is, because of Him.

Baby Sis

There's something about my life right now that feels so healing. I have just noticed in the last week some familiar feelings that I have tried so hard to get back to for almost five years now. McKay gave me a blessing a few years ago and one of the things he said was that Heavenly Father would "continue to heal me." That phrase has changed in meaning for me over the last few years. At first, I was kind of alarmed because I was imagining solely physical healing. I worried there was still cancer in my body or something that still needed to be healed. Then I began to recognize all the restoration I needed in motherhood. Not waiting for the ball to drop constantly and just enjoying life with my kids- not feeling paranoid or frantic- returning to my natural state of being a really confident and capable mom. I have known that I haven't felt myself for a long time. I have often thought back to when I was a mom with newborn Jax or Jonah or Cash and how confident I felt- how absolutely happy and in love with life and my circumstances I was. I know that is where I need to be and I have come to realize that that is the healing I have needed most of all. 

Since mom passed, I have felt a weight lifted. It has nothing to do with her being gone- I miss her every day. More, I think that since she knows me better than anyone on earth, she is working with Heavenly Father and maybe is helping me access the healing I have needed for so long. I feel confidence in areas of motherhood I haven't in so long. I am trusting my instinct more again. I am feeling worry give way to peace. I feel like I am trusting my intuition more- just like my mom taught me. It's felt strange to feel discomfort in the very thing that has been my purpose for living my entire life. I've felt like I'm not doing it right but I haven't really known how to fix it. So much of it I think was that something that felt so secure was completely changed for so long. I have had some unchosen hesitancy going all in again and not really known how to fix it. 

But yesterday the sun was shining in our baby's room, and the boys were picking out clothes for her for Portland. Jax was trying on the carrier to make sure it would fit (he realized she would be way too tiny and it wouldn't) and it just occurred to me, like it has so many times in the last couple weeks, that all the healing I have been praying for is flowing into our lives so abundantly. For me, and for my kids and McKay and our family all together. Our home has been so full of light in every season- especially the hard ones, and I am SO grateful for that. But we have so badly needed a baby in our home for so long. She's not even here yet and I can already feel how much she is healing us. She's not here but she's here already. So is mom. 

Tender Mercies

I just read in my last post that I thought mom was coming home. She didn't come to our home, but instead, went to her heavenly home. There is so much I should probably write about that but my nightly routine is what my brain needs to function right now (mindless TV and lots of sugar), but I DID want to write down a few things I don't want to forget. I imagine mom is so busy over there and still, I'm receiving her help. I feel that the veil is so thin. I had a special experience in the hospital when I went to say goodbye to her that I will have to write more about, but it felt so thin there too. Like there were angels all around us. I wish I had eyes to see that, but until that day, I am so grateful I can feel it. 

Here are a few tender mercies that have happened that I am going to call "help from the other side" since I know that's exactly what they are. 

-Last week I was feeling so overwhelmed and I had this thought, "I want to go get a pedicure." It felt dumb and selfish. It was right before mom passed and the day grandma had surgery and Jamie was having a baby and I put it out of my mind and went home. Not long after, my aunt texted me and asked if I wanted to get a pedicure with her and the girls. It was exactly the escape I needed. We all needed it. Lexi, Laci and I all got mom's favorite color on our nails and for a while I could just relax. I know that's exactly what mom wanted us to be doing. Not worrying about things, doing something fun together. My aunt has been the best at taking care of us. I am feeling so grateful for her. 

- Sunday morning I woke up late and was dreading the day. Since McKay was called as the bishop, Sunday mornings have been so hard. I so badly want my home to be filled with beautiful music and the spirit, but it's just not. I turn on music and hear my boys fighting over legos in the background and we're late to church every week. I was so drained from the moment I woke up last Sunday that I didn't even tell my kids good morning. I just got in the shower and immediately I felt overwhelmed thinking how I would never again hear my mom said "just bring the boys over!" The amazing thing about her is that she said that to me up until last month. I don't know how she did it. She is the toughest person I know. Anyways, I cried thinking about that and wondered if I could ask for her to help me from the other side. I got out of the shower and my home was quiet. I was so curious why, as it is never quiet on Sunday mornings. I walked over to the playroom and saw both my kids in their Sunday clothes (I had not gotten them dressed) playing quietly and nicely with each other. Light filled the room and I just know my mom helped me and will continue to help me with my kids. 

- The hardest things for me have been little things my mom won't be here to do. She is so thoughtful and filled my life with small, unseen gestures to let me know she loves me. One random thing- she would always make me cheesecakes when I had a newborn. It was just our thing. I can eat a whole cheesecake by myself and then she brings me another one the day I finish the first one. It's one of our traditions. I was sad Sunday thinking I wouldn't have a cheesecake to eat when I'm holding my baby girl. One thing I know and have experienced many times is Heavenly Father supplementing for me in places where I have lost something. I have known He would do that for me in temporal circumstances my mom would usually fill. When I was at church, Ida Peterson came up to me and told me she was bringing me a pie. There is a pie she has brought me on a couple special occasions that is my absolute favorite. She brought me one on Sunday, just for me, and told me she would bring me one when I bring my baby girl home. It was a small thing that was so big to me. I know Heavenly Father and my mom care about the big things- but also the small things. I know they will work together with so many other angels (here and in heaven) and when I pay attention, I'll realize nothing will be missing. 

-I was thinking about last Mother's Day and how my mom gave me hydrangeas. They are my mom and my favorite flower. I remember planting them and then not remembering if they stayed alive or not. I am not really sentimental with physical things, but suddenly I feel like I want to have everything my mom ever touched in plain sight. I was kicking myself for not remembering which plant she had given me, and wanting a hydrangea plant that just represented her to me (even though mine all do because she planted a bunch of my plants for me one spring!) Anyways, I got text from a friend who said she left something on my porch. When I looked on my porch it was a hydrangea plant, all ready to plant. I was so grateful for how directly and instantly I was blessed with what I needed. I would have been able to move past it, but my mom and Heavenly Father knew it was important to me. Maybe it's Heavenly Father, maybe it's Heavenly Mother. Maybe it's my mom. I just know they're all working together and I feel heaven so close to me. 

-Last thing for tonight- I asked on a Worldwide Faith Facebook group if people would share their experiences with loved ones on the other side of the veil. In the moment, it felt like a totally appropriate idea. Looking back, I realize I was asking a lot of people. Those experiences are holy and sacred and so extremely personal. Still, there are over a thousand responses. I feel like they are my greatest gift right now I can go to them and read them any time and I have. This is just one response that I screen-shotted from tonight. I feel so honored people are sharing these experiences with me. I just feel so much love for these people. So many of my brothers and sisters here on earth speak my language and I just feel surrounded by so much love and support. It feels like a big earthly family just trying to help each other get through mortality. I have never felt that before. 

The Boulevard

It's been a crazy week. Last Thursday, my mom had a (pretty invasive) injection to help stabilize her paralyzed vocal cord. It was her second time having that surgery and the first time (which I think was September-ish) she has said she would never get it again. Without it though, her vocal cord makes it hard for her to breathe or sleep because she is constantly coughing. She also can't really talk. Things got so rough, she had to have the injection again. After the injection she felt so crummy that she felt like she would never see Chad again, so my grandparents flew him and Bri home. Jared is also home this week, so all of us siblings are together. But yesterday, Ron took her into the ER because her back has been hurting so bad, they thought she may have broke something. She has been waiting for an MRI for two days and finally got one tonight (I think she may be coming home tonight).

I'm not sure I would have time to feel or process anything if there was anything for me to feel or process because I feel so busy and responsible for everyone else. I love it in so many ways- my big sister role- but now it feels bigger. Chad and Bri are staying with me and Jared has been staying with Cody and Haley, but I have wanted to make sure everyone knows they can be here and I'll make sure they have food and a happy place to be where are loved and we can just be together. Everyone was here pretty much all day. I kind of feel like we're all kids again- navigating something we have no idea how to navigate, but at least we're in it together. 

I was alone just once today and it was at 9am after I dropped Cash off at school. If I ever have a moment alone, the car seems to be the place where that moments happens. Even my prayers are usually rushed because someone needs me or I am late to somewhere I need to be. I love being in the car alone because no one can reach me or rush me. I just drive the speed of the road I'm on and can be in complete silence if I want to. When I think about every big impression I have received in the last three years, most of them have been in the car. Heavenly Father knows he can reach me there I think. 

My life feels really busy just like my mom's has always been. Lots of people needing me- lots of expectations for me. Most of the time I feel like I'm carrying so much more than people realize- it's my stuff and other people's too. I can do it. For some of my life I have resented it but the more I go through life, the more I am realizing that Heavenly Father built me for it. He had to because He keeps giving me hard things and responsibly. My mom is like that too. She carries a lot for a lot of people. She has always carried stuff for me too and I think she's one of the only people in my life who can. Mostly I carry my own stuff. Today I was driving and thinking about how much my mom has always done. For my entire life, she has been raising kids. She has never been not raising kids in her home. I love how much she loves motherhood- how every second of her day is spent on us (and it really is). We got her a massage gift card one year and it is still in her wallet like it has been for the last ten years. She never spend a second on self-indulgence. Never. All her time is spent on us. And as I thought about all of that, I had a really special impression. It was that when my mom is working on the other side, I will feel more intimate one-on-one time with her than I am able to have now. It will feel personal and private and just between us, and that she will feel more available to me. 

Typing that now, it feels unlikely- but in that moment, I knew it would be true. I have learned that when I receive an impression like that, I trust exactly what I felt in that moment- before my mind and logic has a chance to kick it around. My mind can kick it around after-the-fact, but I don't trust it then. I trust the impression as was given to me and the way I felt about it then. So I know that will be true. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who never leaves me to figure everything out on my own. Who never leaves me feeling forgotten and just floundering here on earth. This is hard, but I love when I get to feel God's power. It feels like a lifeline from heaven to me. 

Happy Things

I still feel a little bit like life has been a balancing act. There are so many wonderful things coming and so many hard things coming too. I have had a thought that makes me laugh sometimes- it's that maybe Heavenly Father forgot a little bit to divvy up some trials. I think a big pile of them got accidentally slid my way. Of course I know that isn't true. He knows exactly where I am and exactly how to help me. I have felt that time and time again and I know I am living the mortal experience meant just for me. Lots of hard things and lots of miracles. I was talking to my mom the other day about this and we were talking about the people we want to be when we get to the other side. I think of all my heroes and the people I can't wait to talk to. I want to talk to the man that was in the Gadarenes. I want to talk to Martha (because I think I'm a lot like her). I want to talk to Emma Smith and Elder Maxwell and definitely give President Hinckley a big hug and tell him he got me through my teenage years. There are so many I love and can't wait to meet. I have so many questions. I hope we have time to just sit and talk about mortality. And as I sit there with them, I think to hold a conversation, I will have to have experiences. Not a life I coasted through- but a life with hard things. Things that taught me the voice of the spirit. Things that made my scriptures worn and marked all over. Things that taught me how to have a conversations with Heavenly Father in prayer. Things that took me to places I never would have been without them. I think if I have a choice before I came here, I would have picked the harder experience. 

My patriarchal blessing says that my life will be a happy one. I used to read that like my life would be easy. It's not- but I think I can still be happy. People keep telling me it's okay to be sad. I know that- and honestly, just duh. Some people I guess see an absence of sadness as avoidance or maybe denial, but I think trusting in Heavenly Father makes us happy. "Happiness has little to do with the circumstances of our lives, and everything to do with the focus of our lives." -President Russel M. Nelson. I love that and I believe it!

Things that are happy lately:

I LOVE joking around with my mom. She had surgery last week and was feeling terrible after. She is so small and did not want to eat after surgery. I made her a big pan of food and came back a day later and almost the whole pan was uneaten. I sat next to her downstairs and said, 'Mom- would you eat toast?...Pudding?...Fruit?...Oatmeal?..." I just kept naming off all these things. Nothing sounded good and she said no to everything. Finally, I was like "Mom. Do you want the fruit from the Tree of Life?" and she laughed and was like, "Yep!" haha 

Mom has seemed really defeated this last year. She is so so so positive. I have never heard her say one negative thing about her cancer. Still, I know she was bummed to have to be released as the Young Women's President. She also hasn't been able to do all the things with us or her grandkids that she wants to. I'm not sure another mom exists who is more involved with her kids than my mom is- so I think it's been hard on her to lie around. She is so faith-filled but I think has also wondered what the purpose is of being bed-ridden for so long. When she got her prognosis, I noticed she had this light again. Not that she was careless about how it would affect the family, but that Heavenly Father's plan for her was beginning to make sense again. She told me she has had so many impressions that she needed to teach my Aunt Ashley about the gospel. It had felt unsettled to her, because Ashley passed away a few years ago. That began to make sense. We know there is so much work that goes on beyond the veil. There were other things she said she has felt throughout her life that also made sense to her. My mom has taught me to look beyond mortality. In so many ways, she has already prepared us for this. We were raised for this. I know she will continue to parent us beyond the veil. 

She has been saying a lot of morbid jokes lately which most of our family doesn't appreciate, but they make me laugh. Not that I am comfortable with what's happening, but I just love seeing mom happy. I can't imagine her being sad and depressed and scared. I'm not sure what I would do. She is just silly and making things light. I always think about how Sister Hinckley said she would always rather laugh than cry, because crying gives her a headache. That's just like my mom and me!

I have been feeling so grateful for literally millions of talks I have had with my mom. She always knows what to say, but she has told me she loves me, that I am talented, that I have worth and pointed out my spiritual gifts every day of my life. Truly EVERY DAY. We would actually make fun of her when we were teenagers and say that she would wait for us outside the bathroom, so right when we came out she could remind us how much she loves us. I have never once doubted my worth because of my mom. Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I have a hard day or am doubting myself and I can't call her- but her voice is in my head and has become my inner voice. I don't think I'll ever feel alone and if I ever do, I know what she would say because she has told me everything I need to know millions of times throughout my life. Not only that, but she has taught me how to recognize Heavenly Father's voice too. I think their two voices are all I need. 

Come What May, And Love It!

I've spent the last week listening to Conference talk after Conference talk. There is just something about the voices of the apostles that fill my soul with peace. I think of them as my grandfathers. Wise, full of love and really acquainted with hard things. And being well-acquainted with grief just teaches you a different language- and what I've found lately is that I really love to be around people who speak it. Sometimes it feels like my life is one hard thing after the next. I imagine myself talking with God before coming here and I must have agreed to learn a lot. I must have wanted lots and lots of experience because that's what I think I'm getting while I'm here. I see the world differently now. Not as an experience I tenderly walk through- avoiding the hard things and returning home each day to a pretty house with a peaceful mind. Instead, I kind of feel like I am learning the hard stuff, but I think it's what I wanted before I came here. I want to return to my Heavenly Father after this life and know that I had real experiences. 

My mom got her prognosis last week and it didn't surprise me. Although, I am so sad. I am not sure what it means or what the future holds but there is a sweet comfort in my knowledge that God does. I have teetered between frantically pausing my life and trying to continue it- looking forward to exciting things ahead (because there are so many exciting things) and honestly that balance has been a little hard but I'm finding it. The spirit is helping me find it and figure these things out quickly so that I can still feel peace. Our baby girl is due in May and one of my first thoughts after we found out about my mom was if my mom's prognosis was going to taint this beautiful miracle that is our baby girl. But as the days go by and the closer my thoughts get to heaven on all these matters, the more sacred and meaningful and thoughtful the timing of her arrival is. I've had kind of a hard time bonding with her, as I am not carrying her. I have had total trust that I will, but with each baby I have felt something unique between me and them at this point in my pregnancy. I didn't have that with our baby girl until now, but now I do. 

Mortality is so many things, but I am learning that the very most beautiful parts to me are those that thin the veil for us and bring us closer to heaven. Sorrow and grief is one, and new birth is another. Also, miracles. Also, the sweet and all-knowing voices of the apostles who I love with all my heart. My thoughts are still everywhere and occasionally I'll be doing the dishes and be overcome with a feeling so sad, but I guess that's because I'm here in mortality (and I'm doing the dishes). But it only takes me a moment to remember the truth I've learned so many times before, and that is that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. Who knows me. He knows where I am and he wants me to be happy. And though I don't understand or know all that He has planned, there is a quiet and constant peace and relinquishing of my heaviest loads to know that He does have a plan and it is so much better than mine. 

Healing Heart

 Today has felt like my most normal day since before finding my cancer lump in 2017. I can't explain it except that I was just making dinner and I realized that I wasn't holding my breath, waiting for the ground to drop from under my feet. McKay gave me a blessing about a year ago and one of the things that was said was that Heavenly Father has healed me and that He would continue to heal me. I have thought about that so much this last year as I've yearned to feel like I had before. I know it's coming- and even better than before- but I can sense a disconnect that feels like some protection my mind wants to have on my heart. I just can't feel things all the way, and I know it's because I know what it feels like to feel all the way, and then have to accept that everything may be at risk. That risk was never a reality for me before, but now I know what it feels like to not be able to take care of my kids, not have energy, wonder if I can have any more children and so many others (but those are the big ones). 

Throughout these last five years I have felt so much light and SO many blessings. Part of that though, was accepting that I had to be okay giving up what I thought should be. I also had to be willing to endure trials and whatever Heavenly Father's plan was for me. The willingness to trust God and not resist His plan has truly made me feel like I live in a realm of miracles. I have felt so tutored by the Holy Ghost and so guided as I have made my way down this unknown path. I know this was the plan for me and what I needed to learn lessons tailored for me, but with all that, came a relinquishment of all my plans for me. Because so much of my plan felt altered, I have come to not expect things to go the way I want them to. I expect a hard lesson instead. My heart and faith tell me to expect happiness and miracles too, and I do. In fact, Heavenly Father has never given me a reason not to trust Him and I know He never would- but I kind of feel like I am standing on this ledge and below me is all of this joy and excitement I'm allowed to feel- but I'm scared to jump. 

I think back to those words of my blessing every single day. At the time, I wasn't sure what they meant but now I think I am starting to understand. There are parts of my mind that still need healing. Still need to expect joy and good things to come- to trust that they will. My heart completely trust Heavenly Father. I trust impressions I have received and feelings I have felt, and I feel like the luckiest girl that I get to experience all I'm experiencing right now. Last week I ordered a bunch of baby girl clothes (even before our ultrasound). I know the baby will be okay. My heart knows it- but my mind wouldn't let me get too excited. Then yesterday, we had the heartbeat ultrasound and everything went perfectly. It feels like my heart just had to prove itself to my mind over and over again, but my head is starting to be won over I think? 

Right now Jonah and Cash are at soccer with McKay. Jax is outside with friends. My house is clean and I am cooking dinner. I'm not worried about cancer. We have a baby girl on the way. I just feel so happy. I feel so excited. I feel so normal- like things aren't at risk. Like the ball isn't about to drop. I never thought I would feel like this again. I think this is the healing I need right now and I am so happy that I'm feeling it come. 

Transfer Week!

 I was looking at me calendar from 2020 and can't believe it's been so long trying for a baby. This January, it will be two years since Camille and I met. On my September 2020 calendar I have "transfer" written on one of the days- just like a few other days throughout these past year's calendars. In July we finally arrived at a real transfer, which ended up failing. Ten days after is when they do a blood-test to see if the transfer resulted in a pregnancy, and in July when we found out it was negative, Camille texted me before the doctor called, which I was so grateful for. 

I always had in my mind that we would try twice with each carrier- particularly Camille. At the beginning, when we write up the legal contract, we have to agree on the number of transfers we will attempt. Of course, ultimately, either of us could change our minds, but we both thought two was a reasonable amount of times to try. The likelihood of it working statistically is about 75-85%, but to be honest, I have never really given that much thought- this time, even less than I did last time. What we really need is a miracle, which I have more faith in than any statistic.

Last year at this time, McKay gave me a priesthood blessing. It was one of the most special blessings to me, filled with so many special feelings and words I know were uniquely for me. I wish I could write down all I remember and all I have felt- but I feel this is too public of a place. I will just say that God is generous in what He is willing to reveal to His children, and I feel He has been so generous with me. These last several years have been so challenging. My life is different than I thought it would be- but I have imagined myself so many times in the preexistence asking for a challenge. I know I didn't want to forget my Heavenly Father or my Savior, but in order to know Them here on earth, a reacquaintance process was essential and I could only be reacquainted in a season where I would need to know Them and look for Them. 

This season has been one of those. Something said in my blessing last year that I have wondered about is that I would become who I have always wanted to be, which would be different than I was imagining then. That was so interesting to me- but I guess throughout this last year (and especially with the failure of our last cycle), I have changed. It almost feels as if I have shed pointless habits, ways of thinking, even anxieties, or just things in my head that weren't serving me. My mind has been refined and that has been one of the greatest blessings. My desire to share and teach through my trials has really waned. Not that I don't want to bare my testimony, just that I don't feel a responsibility to be an example or teacher all the time. There is peace and freedom that comes with that- a freedom to move through my trials and let them wash over me- a concept my college Book of Mormon teacher taught us to do when we went through the temple for the first time. 

I have kept a note of things I am learning. And this has been messy- which is okay. I am okay with messy now. I am okay with being sad or happy or disappointed. I am better at prayer. I can speak in prayer like a daughter to her Father. I can ask for miracles. I understand that while the miracle I want not might be what I receive, I can ask for it anyways. I can totally and fully believe in God's ability to grant it to me. And if not, I have learned that my faith was not in vain, but that God has a different plan. My requests to God do not have to be open-ended- in fear that I have to leave all options open. I can ask for exactly what I want and feel I need. 

I loved this translation of the first few verses in James by Eugene H. Peterson. It describes so many of my heart's deepest feelings I have never been able to put into words- and also so much of what I am learning and trying to be better at. 

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely- let it do it’s work in you, so you become mature and well developed and not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father, He loves to help. You’ll get His help and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a second-thought. People who worry their prayers are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way- adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."

The Message