I just read in my last post that I thought mom was coming home. She didn't come to our home, but instead, went to her heavenly home. There is so much I should probably write about that but my nightly routine is what my brain needs to function right now (mindless TV and lots of sugar), but I DID want to write down a few things I don't want to forget. I imagine mom is so busy over there and still, I'm receiving her help. I feel that the veil is so thin. I had a special experience in the hospital when I went to say goodbye to her that I will have to write more about, but it felt so thin there too. Like there were angels all around us. I wish I had eyes to see that, but until that day, I am so grateful I can feel it.
Here are a few tender mercies that have happened that I am going to call "help from the other side" since I know that's exactly what they are.
-Last week I was feeling so overwhelmed and I had this thought, "I want to go get a pedicure." It felt dumb and selfish. It was right before mom passed and the day grandma had surgery and Jamie was having a baby and I put it out of my mind and went home. Not long after, my aunt texted me and asked if I wanted to get a pedicure with her and the girls. It was exactly the escape I needed. We all needed it. Lexi, Laci and I all got mom's favorite color on our nails and for a while I could just relax. I know that's exactly what mom wanted us to be doing. Not worrying about things, doing something fun together. My aunt has been the best at taking care of us. I am feeling so grateful for her.
- Sunday morning I woke up late and was dreading the day. Since McKay was called as the bishop, Sunday mornings have been so hard. I so badly want my home to be filled with beautiful music and the spirit, but it's just not. I turn on music and hear my boys fighting over legos in the background and we're late to church every week. I was so drained from the moment I woke up last Sunday that I didn't even tell my kids good morning. I just got in the shower and immediately I felt overwhelmed thinking how I would never again hear my mom said "just bring the boys over!" The amazing thing about her is that she said that to me up until last month. I don't know how she did it. She is the toughest person I know. Anyways, I cried thinking about that and wondered if I could ask for her to help me from the other side. I got out of the shower and my home was quiet. I was so curious why, as it is never quiet on Sunday mornings. I walked over to the playroom and saw both my kids in their Sunday clothes (I had not gotten them dressed) playing quietly and nicely with each other. Light filled the room and I just know my mom helped me and will continue to help me with my kids.
- The hardest things for me have been little things my mom won't be here to do. She is so thoughtful and filled my life with small, unseen gestures to let me know she loves me. One random thing- she would always make me cheesecakes when I had a newborn. It was just our thing. I can eat a whole cheesecake by myself and then she brings me another one the day I finish the first one. It's one of our traditions. I was sad Sunday thinking I wouldn't have a cheesecake to eat when I'm holding my baby girl. One thing I know and have experienced many times is Heavenly Father supplementing for me in places where I have lost something. I have known He would do that for me in temporal circumstances my mom would usually fill. When I was at church, Ida Peterson came up to me and told me she was bringing me a pie. There is a pie she has brought me on a couple special occasions that is my absolute favorite. She brought me one on Sunday, just for me, and told me she would bring me one when I bring my baby girl home. It was a small thing that was so big to me. I know Heavenly Father and my mom care about the big things- but also the small things. I know they will work together with so many other angels (here and in heaven) and when I pay attention, I'll realize nothing will be missing.
-I was thinking about last Mother's Day and how my mom gave me hydrangeas. They are my mom and my favorite flower. I remember planting them and then not remembering if they stayed alive or not. I am not really sentimental with physical things, but suddenly I feel like I want to have everything my mom ever touched in plain sight. I was kicking myself for not remembering which plant she had given me, and wanting a hydrangea plant that just represented her to me (even though mine all do because she planted a bunch of my plants for me one spring!) Anyways, I got text from a friend who said she left something on my porch. When I looked on my porch it was a hydrangea plant, all ready to plant. I was so grateful for how directly and instantly I was blessed with what I needed. I would have been able to move past it, but my mom and Heavenly Father knew it was important to me. Maybe it's Heavenly Father, maybe it's Heavenly Mother. Maybe it's my mom. I just know they're all working together and I feel heaven so close to me.
-Last thing for tonight- I asked on a Worldwide Faith Facebook group if people would share their experiences with loved ones on the other side of the veil. In the moment, it felt like a totally appropriate idea. Looking back, I realize I was asking a lot of people. Those experiences are holy and sacred and so extremely personal. Still, there are over a thousand responses. I feel like they are my greatest gift right now I can go to them and read them any time and I have. This is just one response that I screen-shotted from tonight. I feel so honored people are sharing these experiences with me. I just feel so much love for these people. So many of my brothers and sisters here on earth speak my language and I just feel surrounded by so much love and support. It feels like a big earthly family just trying to help each other get through mortality. I have never felt that before.
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