I was looking at me calendar from 2020 and can't believe it's been so long trying for a baby. This January, it will be two years since Camille and I met. On my September 2020 calendar I have "transfer" written on one of the days- just like a few other days throughout these past year's calendars. In July we finally arrived at a real transfer, which ended up failing. Ten days after is when they do a blood-test to see if the transfer resulted in a pregnancy, and in July when we found out it was negative, Camille texted me before the doctor called, which I was so grateful for.
I always had in my mind that we would try twice with each carrier- particularly Camille. At the beginning, when we write up the legal contract, we have to agree on the number of transfers we will attempt. Of course, ultimately, either of us could change our minds, but we both thought two was a reasonable amount of times to try. The likelihood of it working statistically is about 75-85%, but to be honest, I have never really given that much thought- this time, even less than I did last time. What we really need is a miracle, which I have more faith in than any statistic.
Last year at this time, McKay gave me a priesthood blessing. It was one of the most special blessings to me, filled with so many special feelings and words I know were uniquely for me. I wish I could write down all I remember and all I have felt- but I feel this is too public of a place. I will just say that God is generous in what He is willing to reveal to His children, and I feel He has been so generous with me. These last several years have been so challenging. My life is different than I thought it would be- but I have imagined myself so many times in the preexistence asking for a challenge. I know I didn't want to forget my Heavenly Father or my Savior, but in order to know Them here on earth, a reacquaintance process was essential and I could only be reacquainted in a season where I would need to know Them and look for Them.
This season has been one of those. Something said in my blessing last year that I have wondered about is that I would become who I have always wanted to be, which would be different than I was imagining then. That was so interesting to me- but I guess throughout this last year (and especially with the failure of our last cycle), I have changed. It almost feels as if I have shed pointless habits, ways of thinking, even anxieties, or just things in my head that weren't serving me. My mind has been refined and that has been one of the greatest blessings. My desire to share and teach through my trials has really waned. Not that I don't want to bare my testimony, just that I don't feel a responsibility to be an example or teacher all the time. There is peace and freedom that comes with that- a freedom to move through my trials and let them wash over me- a concept my college Book of Mormon teacher taught us to do when we went through the temple for the first time.
I have kept a note of things I am learning. And this has been messy- which is okay. I am okay with messy now. I am okay with being sad or happy or disappointed. I am better at prayer. I can speak in prayer like a daughter to her Father. I can ask for miracles. I understand that while the miracle I want not might be what I receive, I can ask for it anyways. I can totally and fully believe in God's ability to grant it to me. And if not, I have learned that my faith was not in vain, but that God has a different plan. My requests to God do not have to be open-ended- in fear that I have to leave all options open. I can ask for exactly what I want and feel I need.
I loved this translation of the first few verses in James by Eugene H. Peterson. It describes so many of my heart's deepest feelings I have never been able to put into words- and also so much of what I am learning and trying to be better at.
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely- let it do it’s work in you, so you become mature and well developed and not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father, He loves to help. You’ll get His help and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a second-thought. People who worry their prayers are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way- adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."
The Message
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