The Boulevard

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It's been a crazy week. Last Thursday, my mom had a (pretty invasive) injection to help stabilize her paralyzed vocal cord. It was her second time having that surgery and the first time (which I think was September-ish) she has said she would never get it again. Without it though, her vocal cord makes it hard for her to breathe or sleep because she is constantly coughing. She also can't really talk. Things got so rough, she had to have the injection again. After the injection she felt so crummy that she felt like she would never see Chad again, so my grandparents flew him and Bri home. Jared is also home this week, so all of us siblings are together. But yesterday, Ron took her into the ER because her back has been hurting so bad, they thought she may have broke something. She has been waiting for an MRI for two days and finally got one tonight (I think she may be coming home tonight).

I'm not sure I would have time to feel or process anything if there was anything for me to feel or process because I feel so busy and responsible for everyone else. I love it in so many ways- my big sister role- but now it feels bigger. Chad and Bri are staying with me and Jared has been staying with Cody and Haley, but I have wanted to make sure everyone knows they can be here and I'll make sure they have food and a happy place to be where are loved and we can just be together. Everyone was here pretty much all day. I kind of feel like we're all kids again- navigating something we have no idea how to navigate, but at least we're in it together. 

I was alone just once today and it was at 9am after I dropped Cash off at school. If I ever have a moment alone, the car seems to be the place where that moments happens. Even my prayers are usually rushed because someone needs me or I am late to somewhere I need to be. I love being in the car alone because no one can reach me or rush me. I just drive the speed of the road I'm on and can be in complete silence if I want to. When I think about every big impression I have received in the last three years, most of them have been in the car. Heavenly Father knows he can reach me there I think. 

My life feels really busy just like my mom's has always been. Lots of people needing me- lots of expectations for me. Most of the time I feel like I'm carrying so much more than people realize- it's my stuff and other people's too. I can do it. For some of my life I have resented it but the more I go through life, the more I am realizing that Heavenly Father built me for it. He had to because He keeps giving me hard things and responsibly. My mom is like that too. She carries a lot for a lot of people. She has always carried stuff for me too and I think she's one of the only people in my life who can. Mostly I carry my own stuff. Today I was driving and thinking about how much my mom has always done. For my entire life, she has been raising kids. She has never been not raising kids in her home. I love how much she loves motherhood- how every second of her day is spent on us (and it really is). We got her a massage gift card one year and it is still in her wallet like it has been for the last ten years. She never spend a second on self-indulgence. Never. All her time is spent on us. And as I thought about all of that, I had a really special impression. It was that when my mom is working on the other side, I will feel more intimate one-on-one time with her than I am able to have now. It will feel personal and private and just between us, and that she will feel more available to me. 

Typing that now, it feels unlikely- but in that moment, I knew it would be true. I have learned that when I receive an impression like that, I trust exactly what I felt in that moment- before my mind and logic has a chance to kick it around. My mind can kick it around after-the-fact, but I don't trust it then. I trust the impression as was given to me and the way I felt about it then. So I know that will be true. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who never leaves me to figure everything out on my own. Who never leaves me feeling forgotten and just floundering here on earth. This is hard, but I love when I get to feel God's power. It feels like a lifeline from heaven to me.