I still feel a little bit like life has been a balancing act. There are so many wonderful things coming and so many hard things coming too. I have had a thought that makes me laugh sometimes- it's that maybe Heavenly Father forgot a little bit to divvy up some trials. I think a big pile of them got accidentally slid my way. Of course I know that isn't true. He knows exactly where I am and exactly how to help me. I have felt that time and time again and I know I am living the mortal experience meant just for me. Lots of hard things and lots of miracles. I was talking to my mom the other day about this and we were talking about the people we want to be when we get to the other side. I think of all my heroes and the people I can't wait to talk to. I want to talk to the man that was in the Gadarenes. I want to talk to Martha (because I think I'm a lot like her). I want to talk to Emma Smith and Elder Maxwell and definitely give President Hinckley a big hug and tell him he got me through my teenage years. There are so many I love and can't wait to meet. I have so many questions. I hope we have time to just sit and talk about mortality. And as I sit there with them, I think to hold a conversation, I will have to have experiences. Not a life I coasted through- but a life with hard things. Things that taught me the voice of the spirit. Things that made my scriptures worn and marked all over. Things that taught me how to have a conversations with Heavenly Father in prayer. Things that took me to places I never would have been without them. I think if I have a choice before I came here, I would have picked the harder experience.
My patriarchal blessing says that my life will be a happy one. I used to read that like my life would be easy. It's not- but I think I can still be happy. People keep telling me it's okay to be sad. I know that- and honestly, just duh. Some people I guess see an absence of sadness as avoidance or maybe denial, but I think trusting in Heavenly Father makes us happy. "Happiness has little to do with the circumstances of our lives, and everything to do with the focus of our lives." -President Russel M. Nelson. I love that and I believe it!
Things that are happy lately:
I LOVE joking around with my mom. She had surgery last week and was feeling terrible after. She is so small and did not want to eat after surgery. I made her a big pan of food and came back a day later and almost the whole pan was uneaten. I sat next to her downstairs and said, 'Mom- would you eat toast?...Pudding?...Fruit?...Oatmeal?..." I just kept naming off all these things. Nothing sounded good and she said no to everything. Finally, I was like "Mom. Do you want the fruit from the Tree of Life?" and she laughed and was like, "Yep!" haha
Mom has seemed really defeated this last year. She is so so so positive. I have never heard her say one negative thing about her cancer. Still, I know she was bummed to have to be released as the Young Women's President. She also hasn't been able to do all the things with us or her grandkids that she wants to. I'm not sure another mom exists who is more involved with her kids than my mom is- so I think it's been hard on her to lie around. She is so faith-filled but I think has also wondered what the purpose is of being bed-ridden for so long. When she got her prognosis, I noticed she had this light again. Not that she was careless about how it would affect the family, but that Heavenly Father's plan for her was beginning to make sense again. She told me she has had so many impressions that she needed to teach my Aunt Ashley about the gospel. It had felt unsettled to her, because Ashley passed away a few years ago. That began to make sense. We know there is so much work that goes on beyond the veil. There were other things she said she has felt throughout her life that also made sense to her. My mom has taught me to look beyond mortality. In so many ways, she has already prepared us for this. We were raised for this. I know she will continue to parent us beyond the veil.
She has been saying a lot of morbid jokes lately which most of our family doesn't appreciate, but they make me laugh. Not that I am comfortable with what's happening, but I just love seeing mom happy. I can't imagine her being sad and depressed and scared. I'm not sure what I would do. She is just silly and making things light. I always think about how Sister Hinckley said she would always rather laugh than cry, because crying gives her a headache. That's just like my mom and me!
I have been feeling so grateful for literally millions of talks I have had with my mom. She always knows what to say, but she has told me she loves me, that I am talented, that I have worth and pointed out my spiritual gifts every day of my life. Truly EVERY DAY. We would actually make fun of her when we were teenagers and say that she would wait for us outside the bathroom, so right when we came out she could remind us how much she loves us. I have never once doubted my worth because of my mom. Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I have a hard day or am doubting myself and I can't call her- but her voice is in my head and has become my inner voice. I don't think I'll ever feel alone and if I ever do, I know what she would say because she has told me everything I need to know millions of times throughout my life. Not only that, but she has taught me how to recognize Heavenly Father's voice too. I think their two voices are all I need.
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