I love sharing my testimony on Easter Sunday. This is probably the first time in a long time I've written something privately. Okay, this isn't totally private- but feels private to me. I just don't have the desire to today. Everything feels sacred and quiet and inside me and heavy. It feels like every single one of my spiritual senses is heightened. I am feeling for my mom and I am waiting for my baby. I feel anxiety in the waiting. Hoping everything will go okay and absolutely waiting for the ball to drop at any second. I so desperately want everything to feel light and perfect and happy- and it sometimes does. But also this feels like potentially the best upcoming month of my life and I am so hesitant to be all in. I hate being hesitant.
Cash slept on his neck weird last night and had a sore neck all day. I was feeling it and felt a knot and knots to me feel like lumps. I am not sure where my logic has gone, but it's gone. My heart is so full and excited and insanely sensitive right now. McKay waited downstairs for an hour for me to cut his head while I sat upstairs next to sleeping Cash, crying and googling pediatric sarcoma. I am just so sure Heavenly Father has another huge trial for me. Since Camille has been pregnant, I have had the impression several times to enjoy this. To know that things are taken care of, my baby girl will be healthy and okay and that I can relinquish all my fears. I have been worried about several things lately- not concerning the baby but with me and then Cash. Not very logical things, just worries. We aren't living at home right now and I have missed praying in my closet. Yesterday, I had to run home alone to grab something and as I was leaving, I had the thought to go up to my closet to pray. I felt a little angry. I asked why my life has to be full of constant worrying. I told Heavenly Father that I have been so willing to be patient, to accept what has come my way. But this time, I would just like an answer. I would like to know if I needed to worry or not. I felt a peaceful feeling come over me and words come to my mind, "But I already have done that," and I felt the responsibility I put on Him shift to me- and I knew that really what I needed to do was trust Him.
I love the Savior and my relationship with Him has become so personal the last several years. I have always known deep in my soul that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I have never questioned that. But honestly I wondered where the Savior fit into my story. It seems silly to question that now, as He is in every part. And leading up to this Easter (and all of today) the word that has been on my mind the most is "impossible," because wow have so many things felt impossible to me. First of all, healing- in every way. My body, my MIND, my HEART, my ability to mother my children with the instincts and confidence I used to. Also it feels impossible that I have to go through this life without my mom. I am not sure I can grasp that yet. Knowing how to explain the world we live in to my children seems impossible. Raising my kids in a ward with barely any children seems impossible. Us belonging here seems impossible (okay, not impossible, but hard). My cancer staying away feels impossible at times- so does walking through life without worry and fear. So many things feel impossible to me, and I think they are, without the Savior. But because of the Savior, all those things are possible. All of them. And so much more. I know it because I have felt it. I have experienced it. I have felt impossible things be possible and present in my life.
I love knowing that the Savior knows everything I feel. Nothing is new to Him. Nothing is a surprise. He has a plan for everything- a salve for everything. He always knows what to say even when no one else does. He knows how to make me feel before I even know what I need. He knows where to tell me to look when I don't even know what I'm looking for. I never have to be without hope. I never have to feel like anything is broken, or lost, or ruined. Absolutely everything is possible. The greatest happiness and peace and calm I have ever felt, is possible- even when it's not. It is, because of Him.
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