There's something about my life right now that feels so healing. I have just noticed in the last week some familiar feelings that I have tried so hard to get back to for almost five years now. McKay gave me a blessing a few years ago and one of the things he said was that Heavenly Father would "continue to heal me." That phrase has changed in meaning for me over the last few years. At first, I was kind of alarmed because I was imagining solely physical healing. I worried there was still cancer in my body or something that still needed to be healed. Then I began to recognize all the restoration I needed in motherhood. Not waiting for the ball to drop constantly and just enjoying life with my kids- not feeling paranoid or frantic- returning to my natural state of being a really confident and capable mom. I have known that I haven't felt myself for a long time. I have often thought back to when I was a mom with newborn Jax or Jonah or Cash and how confident I felt- how absolutely happy and in love with life and my circumstances I was. I know that is where I need to be and I have come to realize that that is the healing I have needed most of all.
Since mom passed, I have felt a weight lifted. It has nothing to do with her being gone- I miss her every day. More, I think that since she knows me better than anyone on earth, she is working with Heavenly Father and maybe is helping me access the healing I have needed for so long. I feel confidence in areas of motherhood I haven't in so long. I am trusting my instinct more again. I am feeling worry give way to peace. I feel like I am trusting my intuition more- just like my mom taught me. It's felt strange to feel discomfort in the very thing that has been my purpose for living my entire life. I've felt like I'm not doing it right but I haven't really known how to fix it. So much of it I think was that something that felt so secure was completely changed for so long. I have had some unchosen hesitancy going all in again and not really known how to fix it.
But yesterday the sun was shining in our baby's room, and the boys were picking out clothes for her for Portland. Jax was trying on the carrier to make sure it would fit (he realized she would be way too tiny and it wouldn't) and it just occurred to me, like it has so many times in the last couple weeks, that all the healing I have been praying for is flowing into our lives so abundantly. For me, and for my kids and McKay and our family all together. Our home has been so full of light in every season- especially the hard ones, and I am SO grateful for that. But we have so badly needed a baby in our home for so long. She's not even here yet and I can already feel how much she is healing us. She's not here but she's here already. So is mom.
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