Happy

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Whew! I am on such a roll. Super proud of myself. Actually, I'm only blogging because McKay is watching a game and the kiddos are in bed so since there is no one to talk to, I will talk to to the entire world via my blog! Jax got sick yesterday. We went to swimming lessons early in the morning where he did fine, but by the time we were at playgroup he wasn't quite himself. It was so warm and beautiful out yesterday. I think it was like 70 degrees. The kids just rode bikes and kicked balls and ran around church parking lot and we moms just sat on blankets and walked around a chatted. It was SO nice. But just as we were getting ready to leave, I noticed that Jax was just lying on the concrete- I think because it was warm and he maybe had the chills?.. But I still just thought he was really tired, so we went to Trader Joes. Trader Joes is one of his favorite places ever to go. He LOVES to push his own little cart. Sometimes out-of-the-blue he will ask to go to Trader Joes. But when he told me he wanted to put all his groceries in my cart and have me hold him, I knew there was something wrong. We left and I stuck him in the car while I loaded the groceries in the trunk and he was just out! That night he had a fever of 104! So I called the on-call doctor and they said to come in if it was 105. This morning it was gone, but tonight it came back just a little bit. All day today he wanted to be cuddled with, held, and made "warm." It was HEAVEN. All three of us fell asleep together watching a movie today. I keep thinking about another baby. I want another baby and I want another sibling for Jax and Jonah so bad. But I honestly worry about my guilt! I wonder if I will ever feel like I am giving each child the amount of attention they need. Sometimes I even worry about that with Jax and Jonah. How do you do three? But then again, I know that somehow it will work. It will feel right and we will wonder how we ever lived without that third little baby. McKay and I switch who we put to sleep every night and tonight it was my turn to put Jonah to sleep. I was holding him in my arms, but as he got drowsier and drowsier his head started tipping back, so I readjusted him and it was so funny because he wanted to be held just like he did when he was a newborn- body up against mine with his head tipped back. Then I walked into our room to check on Jax. When our kids are sleep, they sleep in our bed with us. McKay and I cuddled him and kissed him until he was out. Just as I was about to leave, Jax coughed in his sleep and he flexed his hands just like he did when he would get startled as a newborn.
I love being a mom. I know some people don't like it. I know it can be overwhelming. I know it's not even fulfilling to some, though I don't understand how it can't be. But I am totally and completely fulfilled. I love my job. I love my kiddos. I love having toddlers. I will love it when they're 8 and 12 and even teenagers. Someone said to me the other day that the teenage age won't be fun, but I totally think it will! My brothers were so fun as teenagers. Sometimes I worry that something bad is going to happen because everything seems so perfect. Maybe! Who knows. But I know that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy during our time on earth. I really really love this life. I love where I am at and where I am going. I am really really happy. Being Jax and Jonah's mom makes me happier than anything else in the whole entire world. And I tell them that every single day!