Saturday, September 20, 2014
This week is over. What a long long long week. Last week, we all got sick- so this week was like recovery, catch up, try to be normal but you're not feelin' it yet, etc. Draining. I don't know what it is, but ever since i've started blogging again, i've just wanted to lay it all out on here. Too much I think, that's what journals are for maybe? But there's something about a blog and knowing someone's reading it. Someone's maybe in the same boat or feeling the exact same thing. I think i'm having some honest writing withdrawls. Everyone might just have to deal with me and my girlie hormones until about day 12 when it's all out of my system. Then we can talk about clothes or crap I want to buy at Anthro or whatever again.
I feel like I have no friends. I have never had a time like this ever in my life. It's so weird. I grew up with people I stayed close to forever. I started college with girls who were just like me and became like my sisters. And then all of the sudden we got married and moved back to Seattle and there is just no one here I click with. Some weeks I don't care. Some weeks I am just busy and focused on my kids and my home and my life that nothing even crosses my mind. But this week, for some reason it did. I'm grateful for a permanent best friend who kisses me on the forehead and talks to me and laughs at my stupid jokes. But boys are sometimes gross and annoying. And I need some girls around here.
We talked a lot this week about life (McKay and I). About the future- school, kids, friends, etc. We feel kind of in limbo. Like were in that limbo between teenager and adulthood. Let me rephrase that- we are definitely adults...with the maturity of adults?...maybe. We were talking today about our kids. Talking about how we don't ever want to see them go through a hard thing and wish we would have done more. More to teach them and prepare them- tried harder to be better examples. It was like one of those moments where life hits you. When you realize I have arrived here! I am here with my husband in a house with two kids. This is everything. And it's the most important spot I have ever been in my whole entire life. The time I waited for and hoped for and dreamed about. It's here. And I wonder every day if I'm doing it good enough. If I play enough or do enough activities or set a good enough example of service and friendliness and fun.
General Conference is next month and I have never been more excited for it. I want to curl up on my couch in pajamas with a cinnamon roll and soak it all in like a sponge. I feel desperate and hungry for it right now. I am going to punch McKay so hard in the arm if he even starts to fall asleep. I love General Conference because it puts everything into perspective. You start with lots of questions. You may feel overwhelmed. You may wonder how you can possibly make everything fit together. You may wonder if you will ever feel peace or find an answer or a solution or feel adequate. But somehow, if you listen- you just do! You feel peace. You feel guided. You feel truth. You feel a little closer to home. And you feel really really really loved. You feel like you are worth everything to someone because you are. The spirit speaks to our hearts, and when that happens to me- my mind stops thinking so much. I feel like I feel closer to my kids. I recognize I have potential. The importants and unimportants get sorted out. My worries are calmed. I am more determined. I have more trust.
And I remember who I am.
I. can't. wait.