To my first baby

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Dear Jax,

Tonight I went to check on you in bed and you had fallen asleep by your door again. I pushed it open  and looked at your bed and it made me jump a little when I saw you right by my feet- right away you opened your eyes so I picked you up and started carrying you to bed. You wanted to sleep in our bed instead, but Jonah was sleeping right in the middle of it- so I told you I would lay with you. You still didn't want to be in your bed. You cried a little bit, but I laid next to you and rubbed your shoulder until you fell asleep again. I started to get up, but you turned toward me and grabbed onto my hand and told me to stay. So then we laid there, with our noses almost touching.

I had my hand on your little shoulder, and I noticed how tiny it was. And I thought about how tiny you are and how you were only two-and-a-half. But then as I thought about it, I realized that you will be three in just about three months. How did you get to be almost three? I know that some days I seem grumpy all day. And some days you have to tell me mommy, you be nicer. But I hope you know that I never ever want you to grow up. Never. I can't imagine you not needing me to lay next to you in bed anymore. Some mommy's are okay with their kids growing up, but i'm not.

Tonight I was hoping that I wouldn't always remember what lying next to you felt like. Because when you are fifteen and thirty and forty years old, if I can remember- I think I will be sad every day- missing you when you were two-and-a-half, and we held hands while you fell asleep.