Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I love these guys
I had my brother take family pictures of us on Saturday- this was one of the only ones where we were all looking and Jax was smiling. I love this picture. I love my family. I want to take pictures every day because I don't want to forget one thing. Several times a day I ponder the depressing thought of how fast life goes- how fast my kids will grow up. And I swear I will punch the next stranger in the face who tells me, "They grow so fast." I KNOW. I KNOW THEY DO. GO AWAY.
I have been very busy Christmas shopping. It's very sad, because I used to love to shop and now I hate it. I used to walk into Nordstrom and breathe in the air and let out a huge sigh of relief and contentment. When I would come home from college (Rexburg, Idaho), I would even sometimes be temped to kiss the ground. Christmas shopping and crowds used to be so fun. I used to feel the Christmas shopping spirit and wonder why people got so grouchy. Now I shop with two kids- so I know. Now I say "excuse me" really loud to people and my child spills milk on clothing displays. Last week, I even let Jax to the most disgusting thing I have ever let him do. Can I just say that FIRST OF ALL I had driven around for about 40 minutes just trying to find a Wendy's. Jax wanted a burger and I had to grab something for him for lunch and I was avoiding McDonald's. I HATE McDonald's- like cannot believe that people regularly eat there. I even read an article about them that made me hate them even more. Regardless- I could not find a Wendy's, so I got Jax a McChicken. Whatever. It's a one-time-Christmas-shopping-emergency-thing. He had fallen asleep in the car, so I grabbed Jonah, the McChicken, and Jax. He was awake by the time we got inside and wanted to eat. I folded down the wrapper and gave it to him- but then he dropped it on the ground. Like it spread out on the ground of the store. What is grosser than a McDonald's sandwich on a public floor? Not much. So I picked it up and stuck it in the wrapper and said, Sorry buddy! We can't eat it now! It has too many germs. And then we were on our way. But Jax cried and cried and cried. He wanted his "buuuuugr," and I was scouring the shelves for presents. I kept telling him Jax no...i'm really sorry, but you can't eat it. It fell on the floor...we'll get another one later. And he kept crying. I got to the frame aisle and needed a bunch of frames. I was trying to be quick so I was concentrating. And then I half-realized (I say half because I was only kind of paying attention) that Jax had gotten his burger out of the cart and was unwrapping it. But I pretended I did not notice. Then he started to take a bite and I kept pretending. I simply turned the other way. Then I made a list in my mind of reasons why this was fine. Most of them were something like, well, people do let their babies play in dirt and the babies sometimes eat the dirt and they are fine. But every time I looked at Jax I just wanted to puke. I was dying. But the silence was bliss. And this time, bliss won. So I spent the rest of the time hoping that someone who saw him drop it did not see him eating it. Love experiences like this that teach me never to judge other moms. We have had a lot of them lately.
Jax is at a fun age. An age where he is constantly talking and learning and proving that he is way way smarter than we will ever realize. He is sweet and loving and stubborn and LOUD and we love him. Jonah is so different than Jax. He is cuddly and quiet and easy and relaxed. He sleeps and smiles all day. He will lay by himself wide awake on our bed and just smile. I love being a mom. It's going too fast. Sometimes I am a little weary about putting things on here that sound like the "my life is perfect, my husband is perfect, my kids are perfect" girls. But I really really want to remember how I felt in my life when I was 24 with my two babies. I really really like my life- though it is not perfect. Today I was a stress-ball trying to get all my Christmas things done. Also, today my house is disgusting. But I love our house because it's ours. And I love McKay. We went on a date on Friday and he talked about his mission which made him about 10 times hotter to me in that moment. He also did all the dishes on his lunch break today and he sets up the elf for Jax every morning. He is my best friend too. We hug every day when he gets home and we sigh a huge sigh of relief that we are together finally for the whole rest of the day. Then sometimes we lay on the floor and talk like we did today. I love Jax and Jonah too. I want them to stop growing. I don't want it to be Christmas because I know Jonah will be a week older. The hardest thing about having two kids is not feeling like I am getting enough of them. People said it will be hard trying to spread myself out- and it's true. That's hard. I cried when we brought Jonah home because of that. But the hardest thing is not feeling like I am getting enough of each of them. I crave them. Is that weird to say? I do. I wish I could spend hours just sitting across from Jax and talking to him- or holding Jonah and kissing his cheeks. I just can't get enough of them sometimes. And yet some days of course I have had enough (hi Jax!). But in quiet moments when I think about what I am grateful for it's always that I get to be a mom. It's the most special thing in the whole entire world. Nothing could ever be more fulfilling. I am convinced of that. More than convinced- I just know. I know because it's the only thing I have ever done where I know I am fulfilling a purpose. I am so glad we started our family as soon as we could. There is nothing better. Nothing I would rather spend time doing. I'm grateful for a husband who goes to work every day and lets me be a mom at home. Sometimes I think about how much it would suck to be a provider. I don't tell McKay that because I don't want to depress him about his life...but seriously! I love him for what he does every day for us- I could never do it. I love being at home with the babes. Speaking of babes...Jax now calls me "babe" and it's the cutest thing ever. But anyways- that is all I have to say for now. I am going to bed because Jonah will probably wake up in about two hours. goodnight blog.