(Mariner's game a couple weeks ago)
Lately, I have not wanted to blog.
I made a decision that when I don't want to blog, I won't...so I haven't blogged regularly for a long time. These last few days I have felt weird. I haven't felt like myself. I've been tired. I've been selfish (like don't bug me, I am so tired and I need some spaceeee, and no, I don't want to bother myself with anything extra than I already have to do, and McKay, seriously, what did you eat this morning for breakfast that made so many crumbs???!! I actually said that one day.)
Clues that I am not feeling myself (because I am usually not this mean):
-McKay has been annoying me. For example, we went to Boise and he got a new retainer. His orthodontist told him to adjust it himself (can I just say what the?! what ortho actually tells a patient to do that) anyways...he adjusted it and the retainer broke...yadayadayada and so we got a new orthodontist here and he got a new retainer. $250. It's fine. It's life. Semi-annoying. Whatever. But THEN last night, he told me that his new retainer didn't feel tight enough...so that he was going to adjust it. You've got to be joking, I said, would you seriously do that? And then I said, why would you even say that? He later explained that he said that to be kind of "smart alec-y"
O...k.
-Today: I was at the climax of the "feeling not myself." At dinner, McKay and I talked about it:
Ali: I am not feeling like myself. I don't know what I need to do. Maybe I need to blog...
McKay: yeah...
Ali: does it seem like that to you?...That I am not feeling like myself?
McKay: yeah...you seem tired and stuff (or something like that)
(a short time of McKay pondering)
McKay: Do you think you have pre-pardum depression...?
Ali: (exhale)
Anyways, I love you McKay. Even when you try, on purpose, to be "smart-alec-y" to me and give me non-existant depression diagnoses. But I am solving my problem of being mean and grumpy by blogging. I won't even blame it on pregnancy hormones. And already it feels better. Just knowing I will publish this. How weird is that? That sharing my personal, honestly unimportant- stuff with the internet will actually make me feel more myself- more validated and understood (or not) as a wife and a mom and a person. Because it really does. And in about two minutes I am going to go give my annoying husband who I love and appreciate a big hug. Because really McKay, it's not you, it's me.
the end.
P.S. does anyone even get this?
Yes, I definitely get this type of depression and blogging ends up being therapy! Just let it allll out...it's not like you have to see us in real life anyways. Ha!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand that! You aren't alone in this at all. haha
ReplyDeleteI get it! been there!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better Ali! we've missed you around here :)
Missed you blogging!!
ReplyDeleteI get ya!
ReplyDeleteBecky
I enjoyed reading your post and to be honest lately I'm wondering too whether to blog or not...
ReplyDeletehahahah ali you're so funny! does this make me an even more mean person because i'm not pregnant and especially when i'm on my period my husband is the most annoying person to me??????
ReplyDeletewe have our moments. we're allowed. especially when were pregnant or on our "special time" haha you are not alone. and i loved reading this.
I love my man more than anyone else. I miss him so much when he's not around. But he annoys the crap out of me. I get it! Hahaha
ReplyDeletehahaha you are sooo funny! You're just saying what I would be too scared to say outloud. that's why I keep coming back to this blog for more! I feel like you and I could be great friends if we could ever hang out :)
ReplyDeleteWhen you are blogging, yours is one of the few blogs that I really, really read. Like, every word.
ReplyDeleteI have sooo been right where you are. Or were. We all get into funks. And, as mamas, I think we need to allow ourselves to be in them, and not feel guilty! We're only human, after all. ;)
The mama in me also feels the need to include a more serious note: that if you think, even for a second, that PPD is a possibility -- talk to someone! It doesn't always hit in the first year. Yada, yada, yada. You know how to Google, hehe.
Anyway, a big virtual hug to you, girl! And I'm so happy to see you writing a bit again.