Monday, March 4, 2013
We got home from church today and Jax fell asleep eating his lunch. McKay carried him upstairs, and I grabbed his pajamas and carefully slipped them on while McKay changed his diaper on our bed. Sometimes when Jax falls asleep, it takes me a long time to put him in his bed. He rarely falls asleep on me anymore. Barely ever. Sometimes at night, I try to bribe him and say Are you ready to go ni-night? And he says, "No." So I say, Okay, then come here and cuddle mommy. And he will for a while, but not long enough to fall asleep. So these moments when he is just sleeping- and I can just kiss him and smell him and cuddle him all I want- are really special.
I've been having those feelings lately that I had when he was a newborn baby- that I never want him to grow up. I remember packing up our apartment when Jax was just two days old, and laying by him on the floor, crying- because I was thinking about him getting older. I feel like that now again sometimes. I can't even imagine him getting big.
Today at church he was really sad when we dropped him off at nursery. I was in the Primary with my class, so I couldn't check on him, but McKay peeked in the window to see how he was doing and saw another little boy chuck a car at his head. Jax was crying and an adult in there was comforting him, but still. I wasn't there.
I just don't want him to go to school. I don't want him to get big. I want time to just stop. It's true, it really does keep getting better. But I know there will be a time when he doesn't give me kisses and he doesn't fall asleep eating his lunch or let me change him into his pajamas or cuddle me at night. And I just don't see how that could ever be as good as this.