We've been getting closer lately, this boy and I.
I've been trying to write this post for two days, but every time I sit down to write it, I can't get the wording- so I give up, close my computer and wait for one of those inspired moments where you just write, and it flows, and then it's accomplished. But it's not coming.
So I will start by saying that last night, I got a "flash flu." I just made that up. But it's when you get a flu for like 14 hours and then the next day, boom, it's gone. It was the weirdest thing. Yesterday started out fine and then I started to get a headache, and then I got home for the day and all of the sudden I had total chills and achiness all over and was hating myself for this weekend when McKay was sick and I thought it's not as bad as it seems. It IS as bad as it seems. So then I called McKay, who was at Scouts, and I whined to him to hurry home...oh, and to bring me a slurpee, the medium one, because it sounded like the perfect size, and then get a small one for you even if you don't want one because Jax will want some too. So he came home and brought a slurpee and we tried to watch Modern Family, but I couldn't even get through THAT (was it super boring or was it just me being sick?). So then he carried me to bed and then I woke up all cured. It was weird.
Back to Jax.
It feels weird to say we have gotten closer. We are together every day. Every day, all day. But we have. And part of me is kind of thinking don't write this, because you don't know how, and it will sound bad, or weird, or will be taken wrong. But I have to, because this is me as a mom when I am 23. I'm learning to be a mom.
So back to my jumble of convoluted thoughts that I don't know how to organize.
I've been working on the balance. Blah, blah, blah, the 'balance' word that I feel is used 243985 times because no one knows exactly how else to describe that weighing you have to do of everything important in life. Not that I know any other way to describe it or anything. But sometimes my balance is off. Like I wake up, get Jax out of bed, and innately bathe him, clothe him, feed him, play with him, etc. But really consciously, on my mind, is this burden of a checklist that doesn't leave. So I do my stuff and then get back to Jax, and then more stuff, and then back to Jax, or I do my stuff and hold Jax. And at the end of the day, we put him in bed, and I sit on the couch, and feel like I didn't do it right. Like I didn't get enough of Jax and he didn't get enough of me. And then I check on him that night and just think about how much I miss him. Like sincerely miss him. And I was just with him that entire day.
When I was younger I thought I would be a perfect mom. Another weird thing to say, but true. I did. And I guess I just imagined that I would care for my baby and little fairies would magically, cheerfully sweep my kitchen and do my laundry. But no magic fairies are living here. And no one sweeps my kitchen but me. But laundry and kitchen floors are not as important as babies. Obviously, right? Duh. But sometimes, I sweep my floor instead of playing with Jax. And sometimes I fold laundry when Jax really wants to read a book. But how do I always choose Jax? I mean, how do you always choose the priority over the necessity? This is one of those posts that seems like it's leading to a moral at the end. But it's not. I have no big solution or epiphanies. Just tiny little antidotes.
This is what we have been doing:
1. We read lots of books in my bed every day
2. We turn off the radio in the car and we sing
3. We talk about things we see at the store
4. We run around the kitchen island in circles
5. We talk
Little things. But little things make up the big things and I feel a difference. I really do, a big difference. And it's weird, because these things are so small. But they're big. And last night when I was lying on the couch, Jax walked over to me and patted me and kissed my face! It was the best. So I think I'm starting to figure like 1% of this mom stuff out. And I can't wait until I am rich and I can hire a maid and then I will be the most PERFECT MOM EVER. haha kidding.