Thursday, January 10, 2013


We've been getting closer lately, this boy and I. 
I've been trying to write this post for two days, but every time I sit down to write it, I can't get the wording- so I give up, close my computer and wait for one of those inspired moments where you just write, and it flows, and then it's accomplished. But it's not coming.
So I will start by saying that last night, I got a "flash flu." I just made that up. But it's when you get a flu for like 14 hours and then the next day, boom, it's gone. It was the weirdest thing. Yesterday started out fine and then I started to get a headache, and then I got home for the day and all of the sudden I had total chills and achiness all over and was hating myself for this weekend when McKay was sick and I thought it's not as bad as it seems. It IS as bad as it seems. So then I called McKay, who was at Scouts, and I whined to him to hurry home...oh, and to bring me a slurpee, the medium one, because it sounded like the perfect size, and then get a small one for you even if you don't want one because Jax will want some too. So he came home and brought a slurpee and we tried to watch Modern Family, but I couldn't even get through THAT (was it super boring or was it just me being sick?). So then he carried me to bed and then I woke up all cured. It was weird.
Back to Jax.
It feels weird to say we have gotten closer. We are together every day. Every day, all day. But we have. And part of me is kind of thinking don't write this, because you don't know how, and it will sound bad, or weird, or will be taken wrong. But I have to, because this is me as a mom when I am 23. I'm learning to be a mom. 
So back to my jumble of convoluted thoughts that I don't know how to organize. 
I've been working on the balance. Blah, blah, blah, the 'balance' word that I feel is used 243985 times because no one knows exactly how else to describe that weighing you have to do of everything important in life. Not that I know any other way to describe it or anything. But sometimes my balance is off. Like I wake up, get Jax out of bed, and innately bathe him, clothe him, feed him, play with him, etc. But really consciously, on my mind, is this burden of a checklist that doesn't leave. So I do my stuff and then get back to Jax, and then more stuff, and then back to Jax, or I do my stuff and hold Jax. And at the end of the day, we put him in bed, and I sit on the couch, and feel like I didn't do it right. Like I didn't get enough of Jax and he didn't get enough of me. And then I check on him that night and just think about how much I miss him. Like sincerely miss him. And I was just with him that entire day.

When I was younger I thought I would be a perfect mom. Another weird thing to say, but true. I did. And I guess I just imagined that I would care for my baby and little fairies would magically, cheerfully sweep my kitchen and do my laundry. But no magic fairies are living here. And no one sweeps my kitchen but me. But laundry and kitchen floors are not as important as babies. Obviously, right? Duh. But sometimes, I sweep my floor instead of playing with Jax. And sometimes I fold laundry when Jax really wants to read a book. But how do I always choose Jax? I mean, how do you always choose the priority over the necessity? This is one of those posts that seems like it's leading to a moral at the end. But it's not. I have no big solution or epiphanies. Just tiny little antidotes. 

This is what we have been doing:

1. We read lots of books in my bed every day
2. We turn off the radio in the car and we sing
3. We talk about things we see at the store
4. We run around the kitchen island in circles
5. We talk 

Little things. But little things make up the big things and I feel a difference. I really do, a big difference. And it's weird, because these things are so small. But they're big. And last night when I was lying on the couch, Jax walked over to me and patted me and kissed my face! It was the best. So I think I'm starting to figure like 1% of this mom stuff out. And I can't wait until I am rich and I can hire a maid and then I will be the most PERFECT MOM EVER. haha kidding. 


  1. I love posts like this because it makes me less scared to be a mom one day. On the outside looking in it sometimes seems like moms have it all together all the time and it's intimidating. So thank you for being honest and sharing

  2. Beautiful post! Thank you so much for being open and honest about the balance of motherhood. I'm not a mom yet, but in a few years when I am, I hope to get the balance thing down like you seem to be doing. You're a wonderful example!

    BTW, Jax... OMG my heart melts every time you post a pic.

  3. What a wonderful post! You are a wonderful Mom. :)

  4. Well written. I totally get you. It's those little things that make life sweet, and yet I find myself trying to avaiod them. If you ever get this mom thing down, give me a call because right now I am completely off my rocker!

  5. You're a terrific momma and I can't even imagine how hard finding balance is going to be once I'm a mom!

  6. you are an amazing momma! i've witnessed it at church :)
    its so cute to read how you spend your entire day with Jax and still miss him. i hope i can make that kind of connection with my kids someday. i think those little things are what kids really hold onto. like turning the radio off to sing with them.
    jerry (husband) and I have been married just over a year now and we still don't think we're ready for kids. i kinda secretly want one, but i feel like i'm not ready. and i want to feel confident in myself when i have my baby. (not sure if that'll ever happen) but it'd be awesome if it did! :)

  7. I totally understand you. everyday, I struggle with the mess of dishes and toys, the pressure of wanting to be online to blog and facebook, all the while trying to entertain a little boy who wants to play & play & play, and I can't keep up with any of it. I miss him now while he's asleep too. This mommy stuff is way different & harder than I expected, and I'm not ready to have my baby get older than he is today. anyways, thanks for saying what resonates with me. and p.s. that photo of you two when he was tiny is so precious. <3

  8. I don't exactly know what you mean...because I'm not a mom yet, BUT I kind of feel that way as a wife. Like, I always thought that being a stay at home wife would be great and our house would always be spic and span and that I would always be happy and productive. And, well, being a work two days a week wife is pretty awesome and I do make 100% of our meals...but the house doesn't always get clean and there is almost always laundry to fold still and someways I'm really grumpy for no reason. And this doesn't sound like it goes with what you said but in my head its almost the same. Anyway, can't wait to be a mom and know what you mean :)

  9. love your honesty, and i am sure you are doing all you can to treasure jax. you are such an encouraging mama! jax is a blessed little guy.

  10. Jax looks so adorable and of course you too! =] I love your stories! xoxo


  11. Oh my gosh, he is so cute!!! :)

  12. i once read in like parents magazine or something to get your chores done (laundry, dishes, cleaning) while the kids are awake so you can do something just for you when they are asleep. and i think that is a good rule. i play with my kids plenty, give them love, attention, feed them meals, draw with them, bake with them. but sometimes i have to make a phone call or wash a pan. and when those times come and they need something, they have to wait. i'm learning (finally) that its okay to make kids wait. it teaches them patience and also that i'm not their maid and the world doesn't revolve around them. even though as a mama it pretty much does. my boys are 4 & 5 and i wish i would have learned this sooner. you are doing great with Jax. he's lucky.

  13. I appreciate this post a lot. I don't have kids, but I am pretty sure I will feel exactly like this some day. But just remember this: NO ONE--not even the rich people who hire maids--have it figured out.

  14. Girl can i just say that i love your honesty...i think we would be hanging out all the time if we lived within a 30 mile radius :)
    You're learning as you go and you're being completely open and honest throughout the whole process, and that is what makes you a great mother. You're willing to admit that you don't always get it right and mistakes happen. :)
    Also, i love that your husband carried you to bed, so dang sweet. :)

  15. i so so so know how you feel. almost every night i say to dave, "i need to be doing better. i feel like i'm messing this up and it's all going by so fast." and he says, "what? you're doing a great job! you take care of joony all day long!" it's true, though. i KNOW i could be doing better. it's a tricky thing...but those little boys of ours are turning out pretty great, aren't they?? i mean, when i step back and really look at it, i'm doing all right. you're a good mom!

  16. Hi Ali, I think Jax must be the luckiest little boy in the world to have a mum thats as loving, caring, considerate and nurturing as you are! This is such a sweet post, I may not know you personally but I can see you're doing an outstanding job as super mum! Thank goodness it was just a 'flash flu'!

  17. I love your honesty. It's refreshing to hear that I'm not the only one and that not all moms are making gourmet meals that they found on Pinterest and sewing all their kids clothing and that someone else out there doesn't always want to bathe their baby lol!

  18. Just read this post after seeing your comment on my blog... How honest and refreshing :) Think you might be talkin' to your newest follower :) From Seattle, too! I replied to your comment but have noo idea if people get notified about that...? Either way, thanks for stopping by! :)



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