I got red lipstick and it makes me look even paler than I already am.
I keep wanting life to stop, rewind and replay little moments with Jax. He will be fifteen months in two days and every day he changes. The other day I was standing in his doorway, watching him quietly and carefully rearrange everything in the little drawers in his armoire. I wanted to remember how he was squatting there, his tiny hands and his careful selection of things. I stood there wondering how I could possibly remember all of this- each little thing he does that makes us whisper, hurry, come look at Jax!...every time he does something that makes us clap or laugh...every time he teases us, or shares, or notices when someone is sad. I read something once where a person said they were nostalgic for the present. Perfect description. Nostalgic for the present. Just a second ago, Jax was standing by our window, looking at me. His hair is sticking up from his nap, he has a plastic ring around his wrist and another one around his foot while he walks. And I just wish that time would stop. I wish I had nothing in the world to do, but soak in every little second. And I wish that he would cuddle me. Because he doesn't cuddle much these days.