He Lives

I love sharing my testimony on Easter Sunday. This is probably the first time in a long time I've written something privately. Okay, this isn't totally private- but feels private to me. I just don't have the desire to today. Everything feels sacred and quiet and inside me and heavy. It feels like every single one of my spiritual senses is heightened. I am feeling for my mom and I am waiting for my baby. I feel anxiety in the waiting. Hoping everything will go okay and absolutely waiting for the ball to drop at any second. I so desperately want everything to feel light and perfect and happy- and it sometimes does. But also this feels like potentially the best upcoming month of my life and I am so hesitant to be all in. I hate being hesitant. 

Cash slept on his neck weird last night and had a sore neck all day. I was feeling it and felt a knot and knots to me feel like lumps. I am not sure where my logic has gone, but it's gone. My heart is so full and excited and insanely sensitive right now. McKay waited downstairs for an hour for me to cut his head while I sat upstairs next to sleeping Cash, crying and googling pediatric sarcoma. I am just so sure Heavenly Father has another huge trial for me. Since Camille has been pregnant, I have had the impression several times to enjoy this. To know that things are taken care of, my baby girl will be healthy and okay and that I can relinquish all my fears. I have been worried about several things lately- not concerning the baby but with me and then Cash. Not very logical things, just worries. We aren't living at home right now and I have missed praying in my closet. Yesterday, I had to run home alone to grab something and as I was leaving, I had the thought to go up to my closet to pray. I felt a little angry. I asked why my life has to be full of constant worrying. I told Heavenly Father that I have been so willing to be patient, to accept what has come my way. But this time, I would just like an answer. I would like to know if I needed to worry or not. I felt a peaceful feeling come over me and words come to my mind, "But I already have done that," and I felt the responsibility I put on Him shift to me- and I knew that really what I needed to do was trust Him. 

I love the Savior and my relationship with Him has become so personal the last several years. I have always known deep in my soul that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I have never questioned that. But honestly I wondered where the Savior fit into my story. It seems silly to question that now, as He is in every part. And leading up to this Easter (and all of today) the word that has been on my mind the most is "impossible," because wow have so many things felt impossible to me. First of all, healing- in every way. My body, my MIND, my HEART, my ability to mother my children with the instincts and confidence I used to. Also it feels impossible that I have to go through this life without my mom. I am not sure I can grasp that yet. Knowing how to explain the world we live in to my children seems impossible. Raising my kids in a ward with barely any children seems impossible. Us belonging here seems impossible (okay, not impossible, but hard). My cancer staying away feels impossible at times- so does walking through life without worry and fear. So many things feel impossible to me, and I think they are, without the Savior. But because of the Savior, all those things are possible. All of them. And so much more. I know it because I have felt it. I have experienced it. I have felt impossible things be possible and present in my life.

I love knowing that the Savior knows everything I feel. Nothing is new to Him. Nothing is a surprise. He has a plan for everything- a salve for everything. He always knows what to say even when no one else does. He knows how to make me feel before I even know what I need. He knows where to tell me to look when I don't even know what I'm looking for. I never have to be without hope. I never have to feel like anything is broken, or lost, or ruined. Absolutely everything is possible. The greatest happiness and peace and calm I have ever felt, is possible- even when it's not. It is, because of Him.

Baby Sis

There's something about my life right now that feels so healing. I have just noticed in the last week some familiar feelings that I have tried so hard to get back to for almost five years now. McKay gave me a blessing a few years ago and one of the things he said was that Heavenly Father would "continue to heal me." That phrase has changed in meaning for me over the last few years. At first, I was kind of alarmed because I was imagining solely physical healing. I worried there was still cancer in my body or something that still needed to be healed. Then I began to recognize all the restoration I needed in motherhood. Not waiting for the ball to drop constantly and just enjoying life with my kids- not feeling paranoid or frantic- returning to my natural state of being a really confident and capable mom. I have known that I haven't felt myself for a long time. I have often thought back to when I was a mom with newborn Jax or Jonah or Cash and how confident I felt- how absolutely happy and in love with life and my circumstances I was. I know that is where I need to be and I have come to realize that that is the healing I have needed most of all. 

Since mom passed, I have felt a weight lifted. It has nothing to do with her being gone- I miss her every day. More, I think that since she knows me better than anyone on earth, she is working with Heavenly Father and maybe is helping me access the healing I have needed for so long. I feel confidence in areas of motherhood I haven't in so long. I am trusting my instinct more again. I am feeling worry give way to peace. I feel like I am trusting my intuition more- just like my mom taught me. It's felt strange to feel discomfort in the very thing that has been my purpose for living my entire life. I've felt like I'm not doing it right but I haven't really known how to fix it. So much of it I think was that something that felt so secure was completely changed for so long. I have had some unchosen hesitancy going all in again and not really known how to fix it. 

But yesterday the sun was shining in our baby's room, and the boys were picking out clothes for her for Portland. Jax was trying on the carrier to make sure it would fit (he realized she would be way too tiny and it wouldn't) and it just occurred to me, like it has so many times in the last couple weeks, that all the healing I have been praying for is flowing into our lives so abundantly. For me, and for my kids and McKay and our family all together. Our home has been so full of light in every season- especially the hard ones, and I am SO grateful for that. But we have so badly needed a baby in our home for so long. She's not even here yet and I can already feel how much she is healing us. She's not here but she's here already. So is mom. 

Tender Mercies

I just read in my last post that I thought mom was coming home. She didn't come to our home, but instead, went to her heavenly home. There is so much I should probably write about that but my nightly routine is what my brain needs to function right now (mindless TV and lots of sugar), but I DID want to write down a few things I don't want to forget. I imagine mom is so busy over there and still, I'm receiving her help. I feel that the veil is so thin. I had a special experience in the hospital when I went to say goodbye to her that I will have to write more about, but it felt so thin there too. Like there were angels all around us. I wish I had eyes to see that, but until that day, I am so grateful I can feel it. 

Here are a few tender mercies that have happened that I am going to call "help from the other side" since I know that's exactly what they are. 

-Last week I was feeling so overwhelmed and I had this thought, "I want to go get a pedicure." It felt dumb and selfish. It was right before mom passed and the day grandma had surgery and Jamie was having a baby and I put it out of my mind and went home. Not long after, my aunt texted me and asked if I wanted to get a pedicure with her and the girls. It was exactly the escape I needed. We all needed it. Lexi, Laci and I all got mom's favorite color on our nails and for a while I could just relax. I know that's exactly what mom wanted us to be doing. Not worrying about things, doing something fun together. My aunt has been the best at taking care of us. I am feeling so grateful for her. 

- Sunday morning I woke up late and was dreading the day. Since McKay was called as the bishop, Sunday mornings have been so hard. I so badly want my home to be filled with beautiful music and the spirit, but it's just not. I turn on music and hear my boys fighting over legos in the background and we're late to church every week. I was so drained from the moment I woke up last Sunday that I didn't even tell my kids good morning. I just got in the shower and immediately I felt overwhelmed thinking how I would never again hear my mom said "just bring the boys over!" The amazing thing about her is that she said that to me up until last month. I don't know how she did it. She is the toughest person I know. Anyways, I cried thinking about that and wondered if I could ask for her to help me from the other side. I got out of the shower and my home was quiet. I was so curious why, as it is never quiet on Sunday mornings. I walked over to the playroom and saw both my kids in their Sunday clothes (I had not gotten them dressed) playing quietly and nicely with each other. Light filled the room and I just know my mom helped me and will continue to help me with my kids. 

- The hardest things for me have been little things my mom won't be here to do. She is so thoughtful and filled my life with small, unseen gestures to let me know she loves me. One random thing- she would always make me cheesecakes when I had a newborn. It was just our thing. I can eat a whole cheesecake by myself and then she brings me another one the day I finish the first one. It's one of our traditions. I was sad Sunday thinking I wouldn't have a cheesecake to eat when I'm holding my baby girl. One thing I know and have experienced many times is Heavenly Father supplementing for me in places where I have lost something. I have known He would do that for me in temporal circumstances my mom would usually fill. When I was at church, Ida Peterson came up to me and told me she was bringing me a pie. There is a pie she has brought me on a couple special occasions that is my absolute favorite. She brought me one on Sunday, just for me, and told me she would bring me one when I bring my baby girl home. It was a small thing that was so big to me. I know Heavenly Father and my mom care about the big things- but also the small things. I know they will work together with so many other angels (here and in heaven) and when I pay attention, I'll realize nothing will be missing. 

-I was thinking about last Mother's Day and how my mom gave me hydrangeas. They are my mom and my favorite flower. I remember planting them and then not remembering if they stayed alive or not. I am not really sentimental with physical things, but suddenly I feel like I want to have everything my mom ever touched in plain sight. I was kicking myself for not remembering which plant she had given me, and wanting a hydrangea plant that just represented her to me (even though mine all do because she planted a bunch of my plants for me one spring!) Anyways, I got text from a friend who said she left something on my porch. When I looked on my porch it was a hydrangea plant, all ready to plant. I was so grateful for how directly and instantly I was blessed with what I needed. I would have been able to move past it, but my mom and Heavenly Father knew it was important to me. Maybe it's Heavenly Father, maybe it's Heavenly Mother. Maybe it's my mom. I just know they're all working together and I feel heaven so close to me. 

-Last thing for tonight- I asked on a Worldwide Faith Facebook group if people would share their experiences with loved ones on the other side of the veil. In the moment, it felt like a totally appropriate idea. Looking back, I realize I was asking a lot of people. Those experiences are holy and sacred and so extremely personal. Still, there are over a thousand responses. I feel like they are my greatest gift right now I can go to them and read them any time and I have. This is just one response that I screen-shotted from tonight. I feel so honored people are sharing these experiences with me. I just feel so much love for these people. So many of my brothers and sisters here on earth speak my language and I just feel surrounded by so much love and support. It feels like a big earthly family just trying to help each other get through mortality. I have never felt that before. 

The Boulevard

It's been a crazy week. Last Thursday, my mom had a (pretty invasive) injection to help stabilize her paralyzed vocal cord. It was her second time having that surgery and the first time (which I think was September-ish) she has said she would never get it again. Without it though, her vocal cord makes it hard for her to breathe or sleep because she is constantly coughing. She also can't really talk. Things got so rough, she had to have the injection again. After the injection she felt so crummy that she felt like she would never see Chad again, so my grandparents flew him and Bri home. Jared is also home this week, so all of us siblings are together. But yesterday, Ron took her into the ER because her back has been hurting so bad, they thought she may have broke something. She has been waiting for an MRI for two days and finally got one tonight (I think she may be coming home tonight).

I'm not sure I would have time to feel or process anything if there was anything for me to feel or process because I feel so busy and responsible for everyone else. I love it in so many ways- my big sister role- but now it feels bigger. Chad and Bri are staying with me and Jared has been staying with Cody and Haley, but I have wanted to make sure everyone knows they can be here and I'll make sure they have food and a happy place to be where are loved and we can just be together. Everyone was here pretty much all day. I kind of feel like we're all kids again- navigating something we have no idea how to navigate, but at least we're in it together. 

I was alone just once today and it was at 9am after I dropped Cash off at school. If I ever have a moment alone, the car seems to be the place where that moments happens. Even my prayers are usually rushed because someone needs me or I am late to somewhere I need to be. I love being in the car alone because no one can reach me or rush me. I just drive the speed of the road I'm on and can be in complete silence if I want to. When I think about every big impression I have received in the last three years, most of them have been in the car. Heavenly Father knows he can reach me there I think. 

My life feels really busy just like my mom's has always been. Lots of people needing me- lots of expectations for me. Most of the time I feel like I'm carrying so much more than people realize- it's my stuff and other people's too. I can do it. For some of my life I have resented it but the more I go through life, the more I am realizing that Heavenly Father built me for it. He had to because He keeps giving me hard things and responsibly. My mom is like that too. She carries a lot for a lot of people. She has always carried stuff for me too and I think she's one of the only people in my life who can. Mostly I carry my own stuff. Today I was driving and thinking about how much my mom has always done. For my entire life, she has been raising kids. She has never been not raising kids in her home. I love how much she loves motherhood- how every second of her day is spent on us (and it really is). We got her a massage gift card one year and it is still in her wallet like it has been for the last ten years. She never spend a second on self-indulgence. Never. All her time is spent on us. And as I thought about all of that, I had a really special impression. It was that when my mom is working on the other side, I will feel more intimate one-on-one time with her than I am able to have now. It will feel personal and private and just between us, and that she will feel more available to me. 

Typing that now, it feels unlikely- but in that moment, I knew it would be true. I have learned that when I receive an impression like that, I trust exactly what I felt in that moment- before my mind and logic has a chance to kick it around. My mind can kick it around after-the-fact, but I don't trust it then. I trust the impression as was given to me and the way I felt about it then. So I know that will be true. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who never leaves me to figure everything out on my own. Who never leaves me feeling forgotten and just floundering here on earth. This is hard, but I love when I get to feel God's power. It feels like a lifeline from heaven to me. 

Happy Things

I still feel a little bit like life has been a balancing act. There are so many wonderful things coming and so many hard things coming too. I have had a thought that makes me laugh sometimes- it's that maybe Heavenly Father forgot a little bit to divvy up some trials. I think a big pile of them got accidentally slid my way. Of course I know that isn't true. He knows exactly where I am and exactly how to help me. I have felt that time and time again and I know I am living the mortal experience meant just for me. Lots of hard things and lots of miracles. I was talking to my mom the other day about this and we were talking about the people we want to be when we get to the other side. I think of all my heroes and the people I can't wait to talk to. I want to talk to the man that was in the Gadarenes. I want to talk to Martha (because I think I'm a lot like her). I want to talk to Emma Smith and Elder Maxwell and definitely give President Hinckley a big hug and tell him he got me through my teenage years. There are so many I love and can't wait to meet. I have so many questions. I hope we have time to just sit and talk about mortality. And as I sit there with them, I think to hold a conversation, I will have to have experiences. Not a life I coasted through- but a life with hard things. Things that taught me the voice of the spirit. Things that made my scriptures worn and marked all over. Things that taught me how to have a conversations with Heavenly Father in prayer. Things that took me to places I never would have been without them. I think if I have a choice before I came here, I would have picked the harder experience. 

My patriarchal blessing says that my life will be a happy one. I used to read that like my life would be easy. It's not- but I think I can still be happy. People keep telling me it's okay to be sad. I know that- and honestly, just duh. Some people I guess see an absence of sadness as avoidance or maybe denial, but I think trusting in Heavenly Father makes us happy. "Happiness has little to do with the circumstances of our lives, and everything to do with the focus of our lives." -President Russel M. Nelson. I love that and I believe it!

Things that are happy lately:

I LOVE joking around with my mom. She had surgery last week and was feeling terrible after. She is so small and did not want to eat after surgery. I made her a big pan of food and came back a day later and almost the whole pan was uneaten. I sat next to her downstairs and said, 'Mom- would you eat toast?...Pudding?...Fruit?...Oatmeal?..." I just kept naming off all these things. Nothing sounded good and she said no to everything. Finally, I was like "Mom. Do you want the fruit from the Tree of Life?" and she laughed and was like, "Yep!" haha 

Mom has seemed really defeated this last year. She is so so so positive. I have never heard her say one negative thing about her cancer. Still, I know she was bummed to have to be released as the Young Women's President. She also hasn't been able to do all the things with us or her grandkids that she wants to. I'm not sure another mom exists who is more involved with her kids than my mom is- so I think it's been hard on her to lie around. She is so faith-filled but I think has also wondered what the purpose is of being bed-ridden for so long. When she got her prognosis, I noticed she had this light again. Not that she was careless about how it would affect the family, but that Heavenly Father's plan for her was beginning to make sense again. She told me she has had so many impressions that she needed to teach my Aunt Ashley about the gospel. It had felt unsettled to her, because Ashley passed away a few years ago. That began to make sense. We know there is so much work that goes on beyond the veil. There were other things she said she has felt throughout her life that also made sense to her. My mom has taught me to look beyond mortality. In so many ways, she has already prepared us for this. We were raised for this. I know she will continue to parent us beyond the veil. 

She has been saying a lot of morbid jokes lately which most of our family doesn't appreciate, but they make me laugh. Not that I am comfortable with what's happening, but I just love seeing mom happy. I can't imagine her being sad and depressed and scared. I'm not sure what I would do. She is just silly and making things light. I always think about how Sister Hinckley said she would always rather laugh than cry, because crying gives her a headache. That's just like my mom and me!

I have been feeling so grateful for literally millions of talks I have had with my mom. She always knows what to say, but she has told me she loves me, that I am talented, that I have worth and pointed out my spiritual gifts every day of my life. Truly EVERY DAY. We would actually make fun of her when we were teenagers and say that she would wait for us outside the bathroom, so right when we came out she could remind us how much she loves us. I have never once doubted my worth because of my mom. Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I have a hard day or am doubting myself and I can't call her- but her voice is in my head and has become my inner voice. I don't think I'll ever feel alone and if I ever do, I know what she would say because she has told me everything I need to know millions of times throughout my life. Not only that, but she has taught me how to recognize Heavenly Father's voice too. I think their two voices are all I need. 

Come What May, And Love It!

I've spent the last week listening to Conference talk after Conference talk. There is just something about the voices of the apostles that fill my soul with peace. I think of them as my grandfathers. Wise, full of love and really acquainted with hard things. And being well-acquainted with grief just teaches you a different language- and what I've found lately is that I really love to be around people who speak it. Sometimes it feels like my life is one hard thing after the next. I imagine myself talking with God before coming here and I must have agreed to learn a lot. I must have wanted lots and lots of experience because that's what I think I'm getting while I'm here. I see the world differently now. Not as an experience I tenderly walk through- avoiding the hard things and returning home each day to a pretty house with a peaceful mind. Instead, I kind of feel like I am learning the hard stuff, but I think it's what I wanted before I came here. I want to return to my Heavenly Father after this life and know that I had real experiences. 

My mom got her prognosis last week and it didn't surprise me. Although, I am so sad. I am not sure what it means or what the future holds but there is a sweet comfort in my knowledge that God does. I have teetered between frantically pausing my life and trying to continue it- looking forward to exciting things ahead (because there are so many exciting things) and honestly that balance has been a little hard but I'm finding it. The spirit is helping me find it and figure these things out quickly so that I can still feel peace. Our baby girl is due in May and one of my first thoughts after we found out about my mom was if my mom's prognosis was going to taint this beautiful miracle that is our baby girl. But as the days go by and the closer my thoughts get to heaven on all these matters, the more sacred and meaningful and thoughtful the timing of her arrival is. I've had kind of a hard time bonding with her, as I am not carrying her. I have had total trust that I will, but with each baby I have felt something unique between me and them at this point in my pregnancy. I didn't have that with our baby girl until now, but now I do. 

Mortality is so many things, but I am learning that the very most beautiful parts to me are those that thin the veil for us and bring us closer to heaven. Sorrow and grief is one, and new birth is another. Also, miracles. Also, the sweet and all-knowing voices of the apostles who I love with all my heart. My thoughts are still everywhere and occasionally I'll be doing the dishes and be overcome with a feeling so sad, but I guess that's because I'm here in mortality (and I'm doing the dishes). But it only takes me a moment to remember the truth I've learned so many times before, and that is that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. Who knows me. He knows where I am and he wants me to be happy. And though I don't understand or know all that He has planned, there is a quiet and constant peace and relinquishing of my heaviest loads to know that He does have a plan and it is so much better than mine. 

Healing Heart

 Today has felt like my most normal day since before finding my cancer lump in 2017. I can't explain it except that I was just making dinner and I realized that I wasn't holding my breath, waiting for the ground to drop from under my feet. McKay gave me a blessing about a year ago and one of the things that was said was that Heavenly Father has healed me and that He would continue to heal me. I have thought about that so much this last year as I've yearned to feel like I had before. I know it's coming- and even better than before- but I can sense a disconnect that feels like some protection my mind wants to have on my heart. I just can't feel things all the way, and I know it's because I know what it feels like to feel all the way, and then have to accept that everything may be at risk. That risk was never a reality for me before, but now I know what it feels like to not be able to take care of my kids, not have energy, wonder if I can have any more children and so many others (but those are the big ones). 

Throughout these last five years I have felt so much light and SO many blessings. Part of that though, was accepting that I had to be okay giving up what I thought should be. I also had to be willing to endure trials and whatever Heavenly Father's plan was for me. The willingness to trust God and not resist His plan has truly made me feel like I live in a realm of miracles. I have felt so tutored by the Holy Ghost and so guided as I have made my way down this unknown path. I know this was the plan for me and what I needed to learn lessons tailored for me, but with all that, came a relinquishment of all my plans for me. Because so much of my plan felt altered, I have come to not expect things to go the way I want them to. I expect a hard lesson instead. My heart and faith tell me to expect happiness and miracles too, and I do. In fact, Heavenly Father has never given me a reason not to trust Him and I know He never would- but I kind of feel like I am standing on this ledge and below me is all of this joy and excitement I'm allowed to feel- but I'm scared to jump. 

I think back to those words of my blessing every single day. At the time, I wasn't sure what they meant but now I think I am starting to understand. There are parts of my mind that still need healing. Still need to expect joy and good things to come- to trust that they will. My heart completely trust Heavenly Father. I trust impressions I have received and feelings I have felt, and I feel like the luckiest girl that I get to experience all I'm experiencing right now. Last week I ordered a bunch of baby girl clothes (even before our ultrasound). I know the baby will be okay. My heart knows it- but my mind wouldn't let me get too excited. Then yesterday, we had the heartbeat ultrasound and everything went perfectly. It feels like my heart just had to prove itself to my mind over and over again, but my head is starting to be won over I think? 

Right now Jonah and Cash are at soccer with McKay. Jax is outside with friends. My house is clean and I am cooking dinner. I'm not worried about cancer. We have a baby girl on the way. I just feel so happy. I feel so excited. I feel so normal- like things aren't at risk. Like the ball isn't about to drop. I never thought I would feel like this again. I think this is the healing I need right now and I am so happy that I'm feeling it come.