The Man in the Gadarenes

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We have been home for four months now! Life feels beautiful and hard. Beautiful because we're all together, all the time- hard for that very same reason. I can feel something better and brighter on the other side of this. And like all mountains to climb, there will be struggle and push and pull, but on the other side we'll see views we couldn't have imagined.

My kids are currently ringing the doorbell. I've been cleaning all morning- finally getting the house back into shape after four months of homeschooling and winging it every day. I've told myself every day that it doesn't matter if the house is clean and that other things are more important- and they are. But today I just needed to get the house whipped back into shape. I have felt mostly like I can handle what I need to do, but at times, I find myself so overwhelmed and not quite sure what to divert my attention to. Everything seems hard. Everything seems like too much for me to do and at the same time, not near enough. During those times I usually do nothing, which adds to the guilt of not doing enough. It's kind of been a bad cycle that has happened at times during our time at home and it usually ends with McKay coming home from work, giving me a big break, and then I try again the next day.

Some weeks are just worse that others and last week, the boy's last week of homeschool, was just one of those weeks. I am trying to readjust how I spend my time and scripture study is a tad more challenging when it's rarely quiet around here, and I NEED it. Studying the scriptures is my cure-all. It calms my fears, encourages me and probably the most helpful- shifts my perspective back to where it should be. Most times, things I have been worried about just melt away, and I have more endurance and faith to deal with the things that don't. I have been awful with scripture study lately. Most nights I stay up until around two, savoring my do-whatever-I-want time, and most mornings I don't get up in time to read them (my kids wake up around six). I have known the schedule is bad but haven't had quite the willpower I need to change it. But then last week I knew I had to.

We are studying the Book of Mormon right now for Come, Follow Me. Right now we are in Alma. I have been a little behind, so I made a goal last week to catch up. I had a small window to read my scriptures and instead of reading in the Book of Mormon, I just began reading in Mark 5. Mark 5 is one of the most sacred and special chapters I have ever read. I don't think anywhere else in scripture I have learned more about the character of Christ. I don't think there is another account I think about more than this one. The man in the Gadarenes who was cutting himself with stones. I remember being a fourteen-year-old at EFY and the other kids talking about this chapter and how strange it was. For that reason, I always remembered Mark 5. And then last year when we studied the New Testament, I, along with that man, came to know the Savior better than I ever had before.

It has been a special chapter to me because it's taught me that Christ will meet us where we are. He shouldn't have been near the tombs in the Gadarenes. In fact, it was contrary to Mosaic Law for Him to be there. However, He was there and He healed a man who didn't even know his own name.

Last week I was feeling sort of like I was trapped on a hampster wheel. There was no getting off and it just kept moving and I wasn't really sure I was doing any good for myself or anyone else- yet, life just continued and there was more to do and more...

(never finished)