Home and Conference

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Writing from our house that we are stuck inside! With the pandemic in the world, we have been asked to stay home, so we have been. All together in our little house for weeks! We were in Hawaii when it all started getting bad and honestly, I just wanted to get home. I have heard people say they wanted to get stuck somewhere else- but not me. My home is where I can be my best and I love being in it. This is where I can make this experience what I want it to be for my boys (which is peaceful and happy).

About a month ago I started to get this unsettled feeling, like I was doing something wrong. I knew I needed to make some kind of change, but I didn't know quite what to do. I knew Heavenly Father was telling me something and I knew I should probably take time at night when my kids were in bed to figure it out, but I put it off. My time at night is hard to sacrifice. As the days went by, I felt more and more unsettled. I wondered if it was something with my habits, with my health...I didn't know. Then I started thinking about my kids, and thoughts came into my head about teaching them at home. Several times, I came across things that brought homeschool to my mind. I realized that's what I need to research. It still took me days.

Finally, I sacrificed one of my nights (hahaha it was truly SUCH a sacrifice) and I learned about homeschooling. I reached out to someone, I looked at curriculum, I ORDERED curriculum. It just felt like something I should do. I felt peaceful after I did it. I wondered if I had jumped the gun. I wondered if this was another time when I was getting obsessed with something only to forget about it later- but it felt right to order it, even though immediately after, I second-guessed that spirit-guided decision.

The very next day, the schools closed until April 21st. It's now April 4th and honestly I'll be surprised if the kids go back before the Fall. I'm not sure if my kids will go back. I am going to see how I feel about homeschooling. Right now it feels like something that's mandatory, and I will figure out if it's a permanent choice for us as I go. I'm not sure yet.

This time at home feels sacred. That doesn't mean it's peaceful. It's so hard. There have been moments when I sit next to my kids, teaching them, and wonder how I could ever let anyone else teach them ever again. It feels sacred. It feels like something I can't and shouldn't let anyone else do but me. But then, there are days like Friday, when I cancel school and feel like I could die any second because I am so tired of hearing screaming and toys banging against walls (honestly even laughing has bothered me at times! hahah I MISS QUIET. IT'S NEVER QUIET).

This weekend was General Conference and it was so good. It was SO needed. Elder Uchtdorf was one of the last speakers, and as he spoke, I desperately wished I could slow down time. When my life and circumstances feel in such desperate need of inspiration and guidance, listening to prophetic messages was like an arm over my shoulder and just the encouragement I needed. It felt like a pause on everything challenging, filled with peace and light. When conference ended today, I wanted to start it all over again and I can't wait to re-listen to the messages and learn even more from them.

The impression I felt the most often was that I needed to re-prioritize. I am excited to put the most important things first. I am a checklist-in-my-mind kind of person, but don't always put the thought into each thing that I need to. I have been waking up this week at 6am so I can read my scriptures and work out before the kids wake up, but know I need to ponder the scriptures more.

One other impression I got multiple times was to have faith and hope in the future. So often these last few years, I have felt cautious to really immerse myself in life. It's like a subconscious feeling of constantly waiting for the ball to drop. There have been times I have envied people who don't have to worry about their health. I feel like they have the world at their fingertips. I feel more like I need to tread a little lighter than most. Not love as deep, not dream as big- because how much harder will it be if the ball drops. But that is not the plan of my Heavenly Father. Of course we can never know His plan, but the life I want to live is a life full of faith. I was reminded today that our earthly experience is to become like our Heavenly Father and Savior. It is to develop their character attributes. We have to have hard experiences- they bring us to Christ.

If I think harder, I realize that I was given an experience early in life that drew me to the Savior. For the rest of my life, I have the privilege of accessing His grace and mercy. It's essential to my happiness. Because of what I have been through, I can't live life in a state of apathy. I have to choose faith and persistence or discouragement and fear. I choose faith and persistence. To access that, I have to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior. To have that, I need to be on my knees and in my scriptures. My hardships require me to do the very things that will bring my life the most joy, personal revelation, and guidance- EVEN miracles. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who claimed me at a young age- so I can teach the lessons essential to my happiness to my kids.

I know this next season of life is going to be challenging. I felt that today as I struggled during conference. I so desperately wanted to listen to the speakers, but my kids were fighting and wrestling in the background. I wish they knew that one of my greatest motives to do better is so I can be a better mom for them. However, Jonah brought to me something he had written that said, "Jesus is the light, he is the Savior, He is the beloved son." I think that is one was the Savior spoke to me this weekend. I was a mom feeling exhausted, a little unprepared, frustrated and impatient- however, in a small moment, He showed me that I am doing maybe better than I think I am.