We are still here, inside out house! I have been itching to write and at the same time don't know if I can even form a sentence for lack of my ability to think straight. I was looking back over old blog posts and I am grateful that I at least documented a little but truly, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster. I wish I had finished my last thought in my last post but I think where I was going with the hamster wheel analogy was that at times, things have just felt so exhausting and there is no end in sight. At times, days feel like they just flow into the next and there is no real relief or break. The summer felt like that. We were traveling A LOT this summer- which was great and so tiring for me, as I really like to be home in a routine and more in control of what we're doing. I have been in this really bad habit of staying up really really late (or early in the morning...like 2am). I just really really love the quiet dark in my house at those hours. It is not productive. Sometimes the next day I wake up at 6am and sometimes I have no self discipline and I wake up at ten, but regardless, I am always tired and I always think to myself how I need to go to bed earlier. Then I don't cause I need that quiet time at night.
The boys are doing school at home and we have taken a little time to get into our groove, but we are getting there. I remember last year feeling like my boys were gone all day and that I got to spend no time with them. So much of my days felt wasted. I would go exercise in the middle of the day and run errands and by the time I got home and showered, I had about an hour until I needed to pick the boys up. Then it was dinner, sports, bed time and my kids were growing and I felt like I never saw them. I knew I was doing a lot but it didn't feel like I was doing the most important things. Life now feels completely opposite of that. I have almost no freedom or time to myself (except in the early morning hours when I am still awake!). I am either getting over the feeling of being overwhelmed or am just learning to carry it better. I am needed all the time. It seems like by the time I clean up breakfast, help with school, get things packed up, read a book to Cash- it is time for lunch. My days are filled to the very tip top with demands. I am so exhausted by the end of the day. I have never been a napper and a few times I have just zonked out on the couch! But is is like my body and mind and heart are being pulled and trampled (literally) and pushed in the very best way. I have never ever felt more fulfilled or like there is a more important place I could be in my entire life. I am right here where I need to be. I am doing the most important work in the world here with my kids. It felt a little like drowning at first (and lets be honest, sometimes still does...) but I am swimming above water a lot more and am seeing so many things I have never seen. I am learning so much more about my kids and so much more about how to be a better mom for each of them individually. I am learning how to set safe boundaries when I struggled with that before. I have always been a little scared to say no. It's true. I just want to always be on my kids' team and I want them to know it. But with McKay and heaven's help, I'm finding that I can be their coach and their teammate too- but most importantly, their mom. I want to take time to write about my kids individually because I just feel like the luckiest mom that I have these boys. I love seeing them all day every day doing everything they do- hearing them talk in class, having them ask me questions, snuggling with them when they're tired, doing art and baking, etc. If time is going by and it has to, at least i'm spending my time right now. There is nothing wasted.
Baby world is still turning but turning slow. Camille is starting acupuncture now- something that used to feel a little hokey to me but Camille came across some information and it just felt kind of right to both of us. So many times on this baby journey I have just felt guided down a road. Like I see it, I feel peace, and I'm just like, "Okay!" I am so grateful that Camille is the same way. This is such a long, hard, incredible and miracle-filled journey. I haven't noticed as many miracles lately, but I know they're there and I know they're coming. There are things happening in the waiting even if I don't see them now.
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