Because He Wants Me Back

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A couple weeks ago we had to end our surrogacy cycle with Carli. It's been over six months of thought, planning, and prayer (not to mention all the traveling and legal sorting of it all). There was so much that went into it for us, but especially for Carli and her family. To cancel it felt like throwing away months and months of work. For a minute I was tempted to think it was all for nothing and sit in confusion- but life has taught me better than that so McKay and I went to the temple. For the first time in a long time, I went with no motive. There was no heavy heart hoping for a solution or a mind that sought any answer. Just a husband and wife in the middle of life and family, going to the temple- not really knowing what was next but not particularly needing to know either.

As we sat and talked, our conversation became reflective. We were the last to leave the room because we couldn't stop coming up with things we had learned in those past six months. I wondered for a minute if I had not followed the spirit as we went forward with Carli. But I know it was right, and believe that Heavenly Father saw an opportunity to teach me while still allowing me to feel good about going down a road I desperately wanted to go down. McKay asked me if I would be okay if we felt wrong about continuing down this road. I hadn't really thought of that because it felt so certainly like where we should be. But I told him I would accept that if I needed to, and we headed to the dressing rooms to change.

Since I began going to the temple, I have knelt and said a prayer in the dressing room stall. Usually before and after the session. Usually it's a prayer of gratitude. Sometimes I have questions. That day, I had a question, so I knelt down and asked Heavenly Father if it was okay to continue down the path we were on to have a baby. I felt nothing. That feeling was partly expected because it's what I fear the most in those kinds of prayers. The number of times I have knelt to ask for something I wanted badly are probably innumerable. And often times, I don't feel much and resort to more praying, thinking, and trying to crack a code. The code of what Heavenly Father wants me to do. If there are people who are more inclined to lean on faith, that would be me. In some sense, I think it's a spiritual gift. I am easily trusting and to me, priesthood blessings, spiritual impressions, words of the scriptures, and words of the prophets are all profound anchors I can trust easily. However, at times I feel my own intelligence and agency are placed on the back-burner, making it hard for past experiences to bring exactly what they need to: experience. Experience that would have me act and progress with new intelligence.

I knelt in that dressing room after the prayer, confused. I wondered if it was really possible that that was the reason we felt so guided to surrogacy. Could not the lesson have been learned another way if that, in fact, was the point? As I sat there, words from the conversation I had with McKay came to my mind and I remembered some grounding advice from McKay. We need to use what we know and feel to make choices. And while I trust in a Heavenly Father who knows all, and am tempted to beg for the step-by-step plan, I also know I have never asked Him if I could have a baby before. I have felt a need in our family, and we have one. In the tiny room, I realized this was really no different. I began another prayer and this time, told Heavenly Father that I wanted another baby- that I was going to continue on the path to find a surrogate, and immediately felt my heart swell with comfort. This was the way. And just like every other time, Heavenly Father is in control. The baby can come or not come. But as a Child of God who has been given experience, opportunity, intelligence, and the guiding light of the Holy Ghost, I am expected to make a decision. It was one of the most profound teaching moments of my life.

 People have often told me, "sorry," about aspects of my life- cancer, surrogacy... (that's pretty much it). And I know the right thing to do is thank them and act grateful for their acknowledgment of my "difficulties." But sometimes I wonder if they know (or remember- because don't we all go through hard things?) that in the depths of a trial are usually where we are tutored the most intimately by our Heavenly Father. The depths of a trial are where the Savior comes and finds only us- and if we're looking, we find only Him. The other things fall away- the unimportant things- and for this rare and hard moment in our lives, we see the Savior clearer than we usually do.

I won't ask for more hard things. I'm not sure if I could. However, I believe in a God who wants my happiness even more than I do and he knows that at times, hard things are essential to get me back to him. Hard seasons are where I can be taught the most, am the most sensitive to love, am the most empathetic, have the greatest desire to serve, have the clearest focus on what matters most. Hard things have to be in this life. And I know that while Heavenly Father wants me to be happy on earth, what He wants more if for me to be back- back to heaven, back to Him. Happy for eternity.