I've spent the last week listening to Conference talk after Conference talk. There is just something about the voices of the apostles that fill my soul with peace. I think of them as my grandfathers. Wise, full of love and really acquainted with hard things. And being well-acquainted with grief just teaches you a different language- and what I've found lately is that I really love to be around people who speak it. Sometimes it feels like my life is one hard thing after the next. I imagine myself talking with God before coming here and I must have agreed to learn a lot. I must have wanted lots and lots of experience because that's what I think I'm getting while I'm here. I see the world differently now. Not as an experience I tenderly walk through- avoiding the hard things and returning home each day to a pretty house with a peaceful mind. Instead, I kind of feel like I am learning the hard stuff, but I think it's what I wanted before I came here. I want to return to my Heavenly Father after this life and know that I had real experiences.
My mom got her prognosis last week and it didn't surprise me. Although, I am so sad. I am not sure what it means or what the future holds but there is a sweet comfort in my knowledge that God does. I have teetered between frantically pausing my life and trying to continue it- looking forward to exciting things ahead (because there are so many exciting things) and honestly that balance has been a little hard but I'm finding it. The spirit is helping me find it and figure these things out quickly so that I can still feel peace. Our baby girl is due in May and one of my first thoughts after we found out about my mom was if my mom's prognosis was going to taint this beautiful miracle that is our baby girl. But as the days go by and the closer my thoughts get to heaven on all these matters, the more sacred and meaningful and thoughtful the timing of her arrival is. I've had kind of a hard time bonding with her, as I am not carrying her. I have had total trust that I will, but with each baby I have felt something unique between me and them at this point in my pregnancy. I didn't have that with our baby girl until now, but now I do.
Mortality is so many things, but I am learning that the very most beautiful parts to me are those that thin the veil for us and bring us closer to heaven. Sorrow and grief is one, and new birth is another. Also, miracles. Also, the sweet and all-knowing voices of the apostles who I love with all my heart. My thoughts are still everywhere and occasionally I'll be doing the dishes and be overcome with a feeling so sad, but I guess that's because I'm here in mortality (and I'm doing the dishes). But it only takes me a moment to remember the truth I've learned so many times before, and that is that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. Who knows me. He knows where I am and he wants me to be happy. And though I don't understand or know all that He has planned, there is a quiet and constant peace and relinquishing of my heaviest loads to know that He does have a plan and it is so much better than mine.
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