Thursday, October 7, 2021

Healing Heart

 Today has felt like my most normal day since before finding my cancer lump in 2017. I can't explain it except that I was just making dinner and I realized that I wasn't holding my breath, waiting for the ground to drop from under my feet. McKay gave me a blessing about a year ago and one of the things that was said was that Heavenly Father has healed me and that He would continue to heal me. I have thought about that so much this last year as I've yearned to feel like I had before. I know it's coming- and even better than before- but I can sense a disconnect that feels like some protection my mind wants to have on my heart. I just can't feel things all the way, and I know it's because I know what it feels like to feel all the way, and then have to accept that everything may be at risk. That risk was never a reality for me before, but now I know what it feels like to not be able to take care of my kids, not have energy, wonder if I can have any more children and so many others (but those are the big ones). 

Throughout these last five years I have felt so much light and SO many blessings. Part of that though, was accepting that I had to be okay giving up what I thought should be. I also had to be willing to endure trials and whatever Heavenly Father's plan was for me. The willingness to trust God and not resist His plan has truly made me feel like I live in a realm of miracles. I have felt so tutored by the Holy Ghost and so guided as I have made my way down this unknown path. I know this was the plan for me and what I needed to learn lessons tailored for me, but with all that, came a relinquishment of all my plans for me. Because so much of my plan felt altered, I have come to not expect things to go the way I want them to. I expect a hard lesson instead. My heart and faith tell me to expect happiness and miracles too, and I do. In fact, Heavenly Father has never given me a reason not to trust Him and I know He never would- but I kind of feel like I am standing on this ledge and below me is all of this joy and excitement I'm allowed to feel- but I'm scared to jump. 

I think back to those words of my blessing every single day. At the time, I wasn't sure what they meant but now I think I am starting to understand. There are parts of my mind that still need healing. Still need to expect joy and good things to come- to trust that they will. My heart completely trust Heavenly Father. I trust impressions I have received and feelings I have felt, and I feel like the luckiest girl that I get to experience all I'm experiencing right now. Last week I ordered a bunch of baby girl clothes (even before our ultrasound). I know the baby will be okay. My heart knows it- but my mind wouldn't let me get too excited. Then yesterday, we had the heartbeat ultrasound and everything went perfectly. It feels like my heart just had to prove itself to my mind over and over again, but my head is starting to be won over I think? 

Right now Jonah and Cash are at soccer with McKay. Jax is outside with friends. My house is clean and I am cooking dinner. I'm not worried about cancer. We have a baby girl on the way. I just feel so happy. I feel so excited. I feel so normal- like things aren't at risk. Like the ball isn't about to drop. I never thought I would feel like this again. I think this is the healing I need right now and I am so happy that I'm feeling it come. 

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