On Worry and Faith and Miracles

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We studied Hebrews this week and to be honest I have really struggled understanding Paul. I guess no one really knows who the author of Hebrews was, but his writing is just as challenging for me as Pauls. I have been listening to it read instead of reading it myself because when I listen I can understand better. When I read I get frustrated, as it takes me like 30 minutes to read a chapter and I go over the same verses over and over again. But today as I listened to Hebrews, Chapter 11 stood out to me. It's a chapter all about faith- which seems to be my life's mission to master.

I go in for a CT scan on Monday to check on my "lung nodules." Nodules are common and can be found in up to 50% of the population, but when you have a history of cancer, they are watched closely. Mine are not a concern of my doctor but (not) surprisingly, almost every abnormal thing I find (or they find) in my body just might be cancer my mind tells me. Today while McKay (yet again) rolled paint onto our walls I whined to him, Why can't I worry about normal things? Why does everything I worry about have to be huge? And I wonder that sometimes. Why can't I worry about a flat tire or a broken dishwasher or even not enough money to cover our month's expenses? Why do I have to worry if I have cancer again or when I am going to have a baby. Why can't my worries be normal.

But then in Hebrews 11- the write give us the Faith Hall of Fame. All these people with great faith. And I remembered President Eyring's talk, "Mountains to Climb." Why would anyone want a mountain to climb I wonder? And then I remember the scriptures and what always happens on the top of mountains: you get to know the Savior.

On my last day of chemo I knelt in my closet and thanked Heavenly Father for my blessings that year. It was October 30th and I had spent the last six months in surgeries and hospitals. I felt peace and light flood that small space that was accompanied by a distinct impression that this was the end of my season with cancer. Thought I knew what I had learned and gained would be required for the rest of my life, the cancer was gone. As the months went by, everything felt a little heavier. I was walking on my own now and not so recognizable carried. I was to learn on my faith.

And now we are here, getting ready for a baby- and I have a scan on Monday to check on my lung nodules. And while every human instinct is saying wait. Wait for something- advice from my doctor, five years cancer-free, at least just the scan results- my faith tells me to go forward. Keep moving. Lean on this like I have leaned on it before. Because faith is more than a lucid notion to just believe. Faith is something you have because of experience of it being proven. And then you hope. And then you move forward. And then comes the miracles. Because where faith is present, miracles can exist. And maybe I don't get to worry about ordinary things. But maybe I do get a miracle.