Don't Be Scared

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Tonight after we put the boys to bed, Jax called me back into his room. "I'm scared mom," he said quietly. Do you want to kneel and say a prayer? I asked. He nodded and got out of bed and we knelt together to offer a prayer, asking for him to be comforted and able to fall asleep.

I love these moments with my boys. I pray often for opportunities for my children to recognize what the spirit feels like. I know it will be the most valuable skill they can attain- to learn what the spirit sounds like, feels like, and then to have faith enough to trust and go on with their lives, knowing that whatever knowledge the gained was sure and true. What a blessing it is that we are not alone here. We aren't left to our own minds and the very small amount of knowledge we humans possess. We can be accompanied at all times by an all-knowing member of the Godhead who loves us and wants to lead us back to live with Heavenly Father. Not only that, but enlighten us, teach us, and comfort us- give us more than we ask for, and I believe, even more than we need. I have to believe that because of all the times in my life I have been blessed with excess, with abundance. I think about the anticipation and excitement I feel when I get to give someone (especially my children) more than they asked for and more than they expect. God does that too- but with a perfect knowledge of what we need and immeasurable love.

I was so glad I could kneel with Jax tonight. The last time we had a prayer like this, he gave me a big hug after and I knew the prayer had helped. Every time we pray for something I try to have perfect faith. I know my child's need and I trust Heavenly Father to bless them in a way that their testimony can continue to grow- be that the way I think it should or not. Jax always asks me to pray and in these prayers to "not feel scared," I always ask that my child will feel comforted and safe in our home. I ask that peace will feel their room and that they will be able to go to sleep. I think that if they recognize peace and calm, they should not be scared and go to sleep. Trust in the peace. Well, easier said that done sometimes.

This week I noticed a lump in Jonah's neck. It's not huge- about a half and inch. It's just on the back of his neck, which is kind of weird, and it's a lymph node- which I don't like. Lymph nodes remind me of cancer. To me, they're how cancer spreads. I realize they work to prevent every nasty thing from invading our body (including cancer), but feeling a lump under skin is not my favorite feeling. When I felt Jonah's, I spend a normal amount of time freaking out and then prayed and read my scriptures, and as I did those things, I felt peace. I have had other things come to my mind that have spoken peace- either made me feel calm and even impressed upon me that it was not childhood cancer in my five-year-old, but also spoke of a possible lesson this could be teaching me. Calm thoughts mixed with moments of panic and hysteria always equal a past recollection of messy logic and reasoning that I don't want to untangle. So usually I focus on the feeling at hand, hope it will progress upward, and go from there. I recognize where I find peace- on my knees and in my scriptures.

So tonight, I knelt with Jax by his bed as we asked for fear to leave the room. For peace to come. For trust to enter his heart that all would be well and that he would be safe. A personal thought was don't be scared Jax, Heavenly Father can help you feel calm if you let Him. And oh, how I hoped he would let Him. But almost immediately a mirroring reminder came to my mind, Don't be scared Ali. Heavenly Father can help you feel calm if you let Him. And I thought of Jonah- and how I was going to race to the only doctor in our ward tomorrow with my five-year-old in tow. And yes, I want to raise boys who trust the spirit with unflinching solidarity, a quality that Heavenly Father is also trying to teach me. I got up from that prayer and left the room having learned a quiet lesson. That fear is relative. And together, my eight-year-old and I are learning to trust the spirit, the voice of comfort, the voice of truth- to not be scared.