Thoughts (Unfinished)

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Two weeks left of radiation from today! Is this real life?! I almost can't believe it. I counted today, and it's been 10 months since my life hasn't been filled with doctor appointments, surgeries, sickness and burning (hello radiation!). I would never want to go backwards, but I would never give it up.

Eyebrows are back, eyelashes are back, just waiting on the hair. I have always cut my kids' hair and every time I do it, I have this random fear that I could accidentally swipe the clippers by my hair and cut a chunk off. I thought about that and laughed inside yesterday when I put a #6 guard on the clippers and bicked my whole head in front of the mirror! haha. It's finally getting even. It's finally dark again. I was talking to McKay about different numbered guards to use and we both kind of stopped mid-conversation and smiled at the fact that we were even having that conversation. Nothing like giving your wife tips on how to best buzz her head! 

It takes me about 35 minutes to get to radiation every day. A couple weeks ago, I listened to this podcast and I can't get it out of my head. It was by this popular blogger and even though that's not normally what I would listen to, I was kind of curious as to what she would say. I don't remember the title but it was about motherhood and work and the balance of both. She said some great things but there was one principle that was at first semi-inspiring, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt uncomfortable with it. The way I remember it is that we are supposed to rely on ourselves for our fulfillment, our happiness, and our self-worth. Our identity is not our motherhood, our worth doesn't come from that. It's not the fact that we're a wife. It doesn't come from what job we have, what clothes we wear (etc. etc. you get the point). And furthermore, none of those things have the responsibility to make us happy- keep us fulfilled, or keep us feeling of worth. (ex) It's not my children's job to act a certain way or be certain people so that I feel fulfilled or of worth. And further-furthermore, all of those seasons will at some point come to an end or change dramatically. They represent different (sometimes simultaneous) seasons of life. If we define our identity by our roles during one of those "seasons," we will feel lost when it ends. It's our job to find our true identity and self by listening to that inner voice, and it will never steer us wrong. It is up to us to have confidence and trust ourselves. One way she does this is by tapping her chest in the shower and saying positive things about herself to herself. Like "you're doing awesome, you rock at life."

etc. etc. etc... I don't remember the rest. 

I didn't put any of that in quotations because I don't remember it word for word. I get it for the most part. The "inner-voice" to me would be the spirit, not my inner-voice. I believe that Heavenly Father loves and guides each one of His children and He blesses their lives, whether they acknowledge Him or deem it fate or coincidence. Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives. I also believe we have a sacred and important identity and purpose on this earth. That transcends motherhood, wifehood, careers, popularity, and everything else. We are all individual, unique, needed, and capable of more than we could imagine. Together, we work with the spirit to navigate this life and return to live with God. 

I was just reading in the Book of Mormon and one of the things mentioned were that the people of God have always been record-keepers. I don't have a full understanding of that and admittedly, at times, I have wondered, "What's the point?" when it comes to my own record-keeping. I wonder if it's a generation thing. Is it just a standard of our generation to document our lives. In doing so, what do we gain? I would say, when it comes to the documentation of our outfits and living room layouts- not a ton. But our testimonies can transcend time, and that is why I write. I can only imagine that a world with so much confusion will be even more confusing for my kids.

(never finished this post but maybe later. Maybe not!)

*Pictures are from our annual New Year's family date to Melting Pot! Second time!