do you guys miss the photobooth pics of myself? ha!
Over this past year, I have just fallen out of love with blogging. Writing, to me, became like mopping. I had to reach the perfect moment and state of mind to decide to do it. Then I would do it and feel really accomplished. I would put a big black check on the list in my head. It would feel like I got a huge thing done that I didn't have to think about for a while But then time would pass. And then I would feel all cluttered again. Like I had all this stuff I had to get onto my blog- so I would- which is why this blog has become a boring update list. I hate those kinds of blogs. They are so boring to read. Especially for strangers. And every time I would write "I haven't blogged in a while..." I just though to myself ew. It made me frustrated that I had let so much time pass. But I felt like I had lost my voice. It wasn't effortless. It took too much effort. And honestly in my spare time when my kids are sleeping I prefer to do things that take literally NO effort. Like eat or watch TV.
And then I saw this thing:
So true. true. true. true. I had set a standard for myself- how I was going to write- what it would encompass- what mood or tone I wanted to get across. And it became like an assignment- to which I responded, I am done with college and done with all this thinking! Which sounds really bad (and disappointing to some), but true. My brain is tired. It's tired because I wonder if I'm doing good enough as a mom. It's tired because I worry about Jax's new mattress permanently smelling like pee. It's tired because I thought I just planned a week of dinners and now I have to do it again. It's tired because I want people to know that motherhood to me is sacred and special and a privelage. But exhausting. And how to you say all the truths and still get that last most important truth across. You either use a lot (a lot) of effort and brain power and minutes and taps on that delete button to formulate the perfect post that encompasses it all. Or you simply just document the day to day- and somehow it comes together and paints the right picture. Or you just do nothing. Which is what I have been doing. Then you are sad and disappointed in yourself and you feel a giant part of you nagging at your brain.
So now Jonah is screaming and my computer is about to die, but to sum it all up- I am going to blog every day for 30 days. I think I will get my groove back. Sometimes I look at my fashion blog thing and I literally just want to die. Some things I read and I wonder what I was thinking. What I was thinking or what I had just read that influenced what I had just written. But I am grateful for one thing- the documentation. That's what I'm going for here. No awkward poses in Gap hats (no offense to anyone). Some days I might be sappy. Somedays I might be venting. Somedays I will have nothing to say but I will think of something. There is definitely always something and I don't want to forget the somethings. This is day one.