How do I say this in a way that won't cause my mom to call me tomorrow thoroughly concerned?
I worry a lot. Not in an abnormal way- but in an i'm a mom and a wife and I want to do all of this right kind of way. I worry if my time with my kids is quality. If they watch too much TV. I worry if they're eating healthy enough. If I'm on my phone too much in front of them. I worry about them being inside too much and outside not enough. I wonder if I'm teaching them enough. I worry about them growing up. Gosh, am I sick of worrying about that. There has to be a way to be excited for the future- that's what I was thinking this week. It has to be possible to look forward to every stage without being sad.
And that is not all. I've been worrying about my house. Trying to figure out how we can budget to get all the crap done that I think needs to be done. Planning weekends where we will paint, and weekends where we will rest, and weekends where we will paint... and things seem like they will never end. Like it will never be done.
But then I was driving home from Albertson's on Tuesday and I had an epiphany! It was such a good one and I never have those. Right before driving home, I was paying for my food. And as I slid my card I thought about Jax's third birthday- what I needed to get, how to make it perfect, etc. pointless things that he will never remember/care about, etc. And how in the world would I do all that when I still needed to buy so many things to make our house "home." Girls our age feel pressure I think. Pressure for our houses and our kids birthday's and wardrobes (I've given that one up actually) to be at least the standard- but preferably better. And if you don't meet the standard, your failing in some way because it's possible to have a perfect house and clothes and kids and parties AND be the best mom/wife you can. But for me (and duh everyone else) it's impossible.
I love this lady.
This is what she says,
“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” Marjorie Hinckley
Maturity to stop trying to prove something. And for the record, this isn't one of those to all girls everywhere posts, at all. It's just about me. I thought about my third birthday in the car. My mom had a cake and a pinata and probably bags of potato chips and it was the best birthday. I don't think there was any bunting or paper straws or invitations sent out or even a theme.
I'm trying to act too old. That was my epiphany. No wonder I feel like my kids are growing too fast. No wonder I feel like I'm in the middle of my life. My house doesn't need to be done. My kid can have a birthday with potato chips and hot dogs. There is nothing to prove. It doesn't matter. It's cute that there is a huge hole in our shower because my husband ripped down the wall but doesn't know how to put it back up. He's only 26. I don't want to miss out on being young. I was looking at instagram the other day at this blogger's house. And I was thinking to myself that is my dream house. And I immediately appreciated mine less. I don't want to be like that. I want to compare or criticize or have to make myself feel better about that stuff. That would be a hard life. A long and unfulfilling life because someone will always have something better. And good for them. And who cares. It doesn't matter.