Becoming Mom

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Jamie Jones Photography

I don't feel wordy anymore. ever. I keep writing paragraphs and deleting them. But I want to get back in the swing of this- so I'll write- with the TV on and sleeping husband and baby on the floor. Today Jax was wild. Just crazy! He ran around the house and danced and sang and YELLED and told me to tell him a story about "little boy say stop talking." He still says that to us, "stop talking." We used to put him in his room every time, but lately we've just dropped it. Picking our battles, you know! I remember when Jax first entered this stage. Right before Jonah was born- and McKay and I were both thinking what is going on. what is going on?! this is a phase and it will end. But it wasn't a phase. The two's just hit us. The "terrible" two's. And I won't pretend they're not sometimes terrible. Do you know that one time I was so frustrated that I actually just stuck him in our garage for a second? Just opened the door, stuck him out there, and shut it. There have been hard days. But lately (knock on wood) I think we are getting the hang of the two's. And I've realized that more than anything what he needs is time. Quality time. Just him and me. It's so simple and maybe not the secret for everyone, but definitely the secret for us. I've said this before, but ever since I've ditched the chore list things have changed in our house. And I think it's perspective. And he has gotten easier. So much easier. But he hasn't changed. Just me.
Two babies can be hard. And so much harder than their actual physical needs are the emotional. How in the world can I possibly give them each the time and love they need. How? Seriously.
I remember going to Costco with Jax and Jonah when Jonah was about two weeks. Jax was so easy, but Jonah started screaming and nothing would calm him except to nurse. So I yanked up my shirt and nursed him right in the pharmacy department (do you guys even know how comfortable I now am with my boobs in public? I'm literally a hippie now). Anyways- an  older woman and her husband (?) were there and talked to me after I got him calm- and then we ended up in line together. We started talking about having two kids and she told me the hardest part for her had been trying to divide her love between two, and she got teary-eyed telling me. That's how I know she could feel it- even after her kids were all grown up. It is so hard. As a mom, you just want to give everything you have, everything. And I think that's why it's so easy to feel content in what we do. The world can say whatever it wants. It can tell you that motherhood is settling- or that it's a hindrance, or a waste, or lazy, or even almost absolutely nothing- just like this person who wrote the dumbest thing ever. But being a mom- including every interpretation of the word- is the absolute most exhausting, sacrificial, sacred, influential, and important thing we could ever do. And how can something that takes everything out of you and more, feel like nothing?
I feel like this post just went in two completely different directions, but...train-of-thought writing anyone?? I realize every post is about being a mom lately. I promise I still have funny stories. I still love McKay. He still lives here and we love each other. But being a mom to two has really made me a mom. I feel like with Jax I was teetering still. Balancing pre-mom me and mom me- and trying to make them somehow weirdly combine or mesh. I still had some free time so I could and I tried. But once I had Jonah, that was just done. I'm full-fledged now. And to really solidify that I am literally going bald. After having Jonah I am losing clumps of hair. CLUMPS. Like my hair dresser told me I can't have layers because there will be nothing there. But that's okay. It's fine and I don't care. So I'll spend my days with thin hair stacking legos on the floor and trying to figure out how I can possibly spread my love between two kids. And some days that last thing will be hard and I won't know how to do it. But the mom part and the territory that comes with it, I think is now the singular thing that gives me the greatest self-worth. And as for the thinning hair and bags under my eyes- I could not even care less.

Anywayssss those were a lot of thoughts... k, loveyoublog, goodnight!