Ali W.

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It's the end of another summer and almost the beginning of my very favorite season of all...FALL!!
Maybe this year since I'm not pregnant OR being pumped full of poison, I can finally enjoy all the apple crisp and pumpkin treats! Jax is going into second grade and Jonah is going into Pre-K with Mrs. Nancy who he has wanted for for two years. Cash and I get to stay home and have a normal school year (knock on wood). I don't have to drive my car around with a wig on my seat or grab a grubby beanie from out of my closet to take the kids to school. I can pick them up every day by myself and help in their classes. Life has been so busy. So full of obligations. I often think about when I used to write on this blog and try to think of things that would make my life seem "real" when so truly often it just felt like heaven. The hardest parts of my life were sitting by my kid's beds as they slept and knowing that life wouldn't always be like that. I felt so close to heaven. I felt so completely fulfilled and full of joy almost always. Motherhood felt easy to me. I was completely confident in my abilities as a mom and was grateful that the one thing that was the most important to me, I had complete control over (or so I thought). I could get pregnant pretty much the month I wanted to and that was just about the only thing that mattered to me. I think back to the Ali of 2014 and kind of want to cry and hug her at the same time cause life wouldn't always be so simple. I'm sitting here in bed next to three kids, with medically shut-down ovaries, dead eggs inside me and six embryos in a freezer, wondering if those embryos are six boys (which I would be totally fine with, by the way).

I lie by my boys at night, wishing they would never grow up. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for life to go back to when it felt like heaven all the time. I probably remember it easier than it was. When Jonah was a baby I felt a little like super-mom. That sounds braggy and silly to say- it was just a season in motherhood where I felt really confident. Cash stopped trusting me when he was about 12 months and I left for appointments every day. When treatment ended, he was so attached to McKay, he wouldn't even let me carry him into church. As the days and weeks went by, he started trusting me more and more, but still would never let me carry him into church. I used that every Sunday to gauge how he felt about me. At first he wouldn't even let me get him out of his carseat. Then he would, but he reached for McKay as we were walking it. Finally, this last month, he lets me carry him in.

I just feel like I am in this constant state of trying to get to this place of calm. I picture it in my mind like a plateau. Just not so constantly uphill, but as President Eyring said- "If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill."  I don't remember when life went from simple to so much more complicated. Each day I try to simplify more and more, hoping the busyness will slow down and the long list of things to do will be so sifted and prioritized correctly that there are just a few simple things. Or maybe life will just keep being busy, and somehow I can find the heaven in that. Summer for me always feels a little like obligation claustrophobia. There just aren't quite enough hours in each day. But I know that life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm playing catch up from last year. I can't wait for the Fall and quiet winter. Not so much to do, traditions and cookie making and just being together. I'm tired of people. the end.