Our Way/God's Way

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Yesterday was my last dose of AC "Red Devil." This morning I could hear McKay get up with the boys and get them ready to take them to my mom's and my heart broke a little that they are used to waking up and leaving without even seeing me some days. It's weird because if the year-ago me could look into the future and see myself in the situation I am now, I feel like I would be screaming "ALI! BE TOUGHER. GET OUT OF BED. KISS THOSE BOYS GOODBYE." But I seriously could not even open my eyes! I am laughing a little at that and it makes me sad to because I am realizing that we do that to others all the time. Be tougher. If I can do it, she can do it! And we really just have no idea what's going on. People are just doing there best and that is one of the things I hope I take away from this forever. I hope it's like burned in my brain. Because people really are just doing their best.

On Easter, my dad gave me a Priesthood Blessing right before my surgery and one thing that was promised to me was that I would be able to continue in my service as a wife and a mom. Being the #1 thing I was worried about in the journey ahead of me, it brought me so much comfort. But on mornings like today, when I hear my husband shuffling to change my baby, get my kids dressed, and then strap them in the car and drive them to my moms without even seeing their cute little faces, it sure seems like like I'm not being a mom. I've had the same thought watching my husband and countless other people make us dinner day after day. I'm not really being a wife or a mom. But then I've had a thought, gently reoccur in my mine time after time, What defines a wife and a mom? How is it defined for me, and conversely, how is it defined for God? And that has made me think. Not only about motherhood, but so many other aspects of life that I feel have been riddled with so many worldly expectations, opinions from others, things we watch and perceive in our minds that we "should be," when really, I have never seen it written in the scriptures or spoken of at General Conference that to qualify as a good mom or a wife, you have to do "these things." Rather, I've read over and over doctrine concerning the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That we can try again and again. Or that we should "simplify our lives" (Sister Hinckley), or that we should "Keep trying" (Elder Holland) and "Do our best" (so many have said this). Maybe I am continuing in my role as a wife and a mom. Maybe right now that means that my role is to cuddle my kids. Play more on the floor. Teach them that we can do hard things. Teach them more doctrine. Be more gentle. Be more patient. Maybe my role as a wife is to listen more. Be willing to devote more time. Hold hands. Be a better friend. Offer more comfort. Be more grateful (as I'm sitting on the couch and watching this guy who just worked nine hours hold a baby, make dinner, bathe kids, wrestle them, read them scriptures, pray with them, and then put them to bed). Maybe those roles are defined differently to God than they are to me. And I think that they probably definitely are. Trials have a way of making us see things through God's eyes. Of taking us out of the world and giving us a new perspective.