This last few months has been challenging waiting for a baby- but the last week has been completely brutal. So many concerns arise in my mind again and again and again until I feel so exhausted that I just scroll through my phone or make my kids quesadillas for dinner again (okay, it hasn't been that bad every day, but it't getting there). There hasn't been a time I've felt truly frustrated and even mad until now. I hate feeling like that and still, I know it's only a part of my nature- the human part that has to ask why and needs to vent and make meaning of everything. The other part of me is still trusting and hopeful and even still feels a tinge of excitement to see what Heavenly Father will make of this. How He will provide a miracle when "all seems lost," as Elder Holland put it. I feel like things are a little lost. Not all the way, but I can see how it could get there. This week McKay told me he felt that things would be okay and so I have leaned on that, which has given me this sense of relief. Maybe the faith and holding onto hope so tight isn't completely all on me. My grip is getting so tired. I have been here so long. I have always known I am trusting. It's an innate part of me that I guess sometimes has made me naive or make bad decisions (not really bad, just not smart) because I trust people easy. But today I was kneeling in my closet wondering what to hope and pray for. Pray for hope and trust in what I think is the plan and in what McKay things is the plan or pray for peace, come what may. (This is kind of a frequent thought I have). I remember a time when my mom had to go to the doctor for something that had worried her and my dad. I can't remember how long the worry lasted but even as a little girl, I could sense that there was worry in our home. I have a distinct memory of standing with my dad in the hall near our laundry room and asking him what he thought about my mom's condition. I remember him saying, "I feel she is going to be fine." I'm not sure if he explained that he felt that by the spirit and also by way of his patriarchal authority in our home, but I remember definitely recognizing that those were the two ways by which he know she would be fine- and she was. So this week when McKay said, "I really think it will be fine, Ali," I have been able to just trust that, and I do, and I think it will be fine.
I have asked lots of questions in prayer, like What do I need to learn? What haven't I learned? What am I doing wrong that I need to stop doing for this to work? Do I need to bare my testimony more for this to work? Naturally the things I love that are keeping me occupied right now, I have bargained with. Like if I quit teaching my fitness class, then can all this work? It's put Heavenly Father in a position that He isn't in- as a Father who is playing a guessing game with me or who has set me in a maze just to watch me figure it out alone, but I have learned time and time again that is not the kind of Father my Heavenly Father is. This week I had the thought to change my perspective. What if everything good in my life now were not things I was expected to bargain with, what if they were gifts "in the meantime." What if I haven't been able to see all the good there is right now- all the ways a loving Heavenly Father was trying to encourage me, distract me from the wait, show me my worth in other areas, and surround me with support while I'm waiting for what I want the most. I am waiting for a miracle, but there are miracles in the meantime.
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