Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Fourth of July!

Okay I am laughing because apparently I posted all these pics right after my last chemo but I barely remember doing it hahaha. Anyways- the Fourth this year was different and I want to say it was fun but honesty I had chemo on the 3rd and on the 4th I just sat in my mom's bed and she brought me food while the boys played. I don't even remember getting dressed and putting on red lipstick...???? Kind of funny. The boys have been such little troopers! They have been saying the funniest things. I need to do a whole post about the wig thing but they have been totally fine. They just think my head looks weird which HELLO it looks SO weird! This last Sunday I got all ready for church and looked like my normal self (pretty much, just don't look too close at my head! LOL) and after church I was like Jax, do you like when mommy has the wig on or off or do you not really care? And he was like, "I like it on!" Me too bud. We have this little neighbor girl who is nine or ten who lives across our cul-de-sac. This is going to sound so bad and I'm slightly disappointed in myself because one of my personal goals right now is to have the "tongue of an angel" (Elder Holland talk- so good) and be perfect in the way I speak of other people but this little neighbor girl comes over to me all the time when I am sitting in my camp chair like a redneck in our driveway and all I want to do it just be lazy and not talk to anyone and she stands by me and talks to me or just looks at me. It's cute and annoying. But ANYWAYS I went to Costco today with all my stuff on my head and then once I got home I just put on a beanie. My head is super sensitive right now. As I was unloading groceries she came out on her driveway and just stood there and looked at me forever! I honestly would probably do the same thing as a 10-year-old. But it made me want to just whip it off and be like hi! i'm bald!  LOL. I am not sad at all about it. Like at all. It's just more of a drag. Wigs are not comfortable and when I think how long it's going to take my hair to grow into something that is comfortable for me it's kind of daunting but right now i'm kind of like...whatever. I can work with it. 

When I was in line at Costco I saw a lady with a buzz. It wasn't like the kind you have done. It was like a post-chemo buzz. And she had this lady with her that had really thick hair for her age that was really cute with thick brown bangs and I was like is that a wig? And I wanted to try it on so bad because it was super cute. And then I saw the breast cancer ribbon tattoo on the buzz lady and I knew I was right. I can spot a wig and a chemo buzz anywhere now!

I just keep thinking about how dark this seems and probably is for most people. Cancer, chemo, being bald- all of it. As I was driving into the Costco parking lot I was thinking about it and I just had this huge swell of gratitude for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Nothing has to be dark! Nothing! Even in my hardest moments, it hasn't been dark. Sometimes they are hard. Sometimes I am kneeling in prayer and I'm worried about something, or need help, but I never feel darkness. I feel like a daughter asking her Father for help. And I feel like there are angels all around me. I just keep thinking about all the people in the world who go through hard things and I wish they all knew who they really were. I wish they had a testimony. I wish they knew that this life is to learn and do hard things and get stronger. And I wish they knew that they were never alone. The gospel is a gospel of optomism. And it's not naive optimism. It's wise optimism. We are here to have joy. We are here to have trials. They have to co-exist. It's possible. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we can feel proud of ourselves for doing something hard. Instead of wondering "why me?" we can ask How can I use this? What can I learn? How can this make me better? 

Okay I have to write down a couple things the boys have said that were so funny/cute- 

In church, Jonah saying super loud more than once "MOM TAKE OFF YOUR HAIR!"

Jonah always pulling my beanie down over my forehead and saying " I want your head to be warm!" 

Jonah has actually been SO sweet. My first Sunday at church after chemo I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep during Sacrament meeting. Finally, I just laid on his lap and he put his little hand on my back and started patting it! He is so so sweet. Now all the time he tells me, "You can lay on me mom!"

Jax, when getting in trouble for not being reverent in Primary (doing secret handshakes with Luke) said I was just a "mean bald mom."

Today, the boys made a fort in the kitchen and I was sitting at the table feeding Cash listening to their convo inside the fort and Jax was telling Jonah... "If you went past space you could go to heaven...but heaven is in our hearts...that would be so cool to see Jesus but we can't cause he's a ghost. But if we die we could see our hearts. Isn't that cool that grandma Go Go is seeing Jesus right now?"

hahahaha looks like we have a lot to teach at our next family night! ;) Love those munchkins!

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