Saturday, December 22, 2012

Some Days



Some days I wonder if I am doing this right. The mom thing.

I always wanted to be one, and as the oldest sibling, I always felt like I was kinda "motherly." You know, when you're the oldest sister you feel like that. And I babysat sometimes, and held babies at church- and at college I stared at the young families and dreamt about the one I would have one day. And I always thought it would be easy. Well, not easy, but natural. Definitely natural.
At school I missed kids, and I always wanted to do something out of my comfort zone- out of the country, so I flew to Ecuador and cuddled orphan babies for two months. 
In Ecuador it felt natural- as it did for many of the other girls there. And we learned to wipe bums with our bare hands and comfort three newborns at a time. And we felt something we never felt before- The mom feelings.




It's true, we felt like moms. And most of us left puffy-eyed and breathless- like we were leaving behind a piece of us. And we were, I think. That very first piece of our heart that ever loved someone more than we loved ourselves. The very first babies that gave us that feeling.

I went back to school ready. Ready to be a wife and a mom. I met McKay that semester. It felt right, it felt peaceful and that was that. We got married. I got pregnant. An Associates degree became enough (and it's still enoughjust to throw that in there). Pregnancy was yuck. Horrible. But whatever- it was temporary. And in nine month's time I would have my baby boy in my arms that I had waited for...was totally and completely ready and prepared for. (ha!)

And then...


Just wow.

A MILLION mom feelings. 

And a million questions. A million kisses. A million insecurities. A million happy tears. Lots of "come look what Jax is doing," and "Am I doing this right?" A few frustrations. Lots and lots of laughs. Some worries and hopes and lots and lots and LOTS of other things. And absolutely no comparisons- to anything I have ever, ever done. Ever. Because this is the best thing. And it's the hardest.


Because I am not perfect, but he is. And that is the predicament. That's the hardest thing- trying to raise a perfect, completely innocent, pure baby when you're just...not...AT ALL. It's hard. And sometimes I feel guilty because I know there is that thing I could be doing better. There are lots of things. And I look at Jax and think Self, in twenty years, what will you wish you would have done differently? Will you even remember how tired you were sometimes? Because you're really really tired...but don't you know that you shouldn't watch TV with your under-age-two-child?

But this is what I think: It doesn't matter. As long as I am doing my best (I think?) And as long as I am trying to be better. Like for example, I have cooked dinner more lately. So that is one area of progress. And tonight I turned off Friends- because it was a raunchy episode and I thought to myself, you know, this is not something that should be on in our home. So progress. Little things. And tomorrow I'll probably look at Jax and just get that inadequacy feeling- like I do every day. But it's good. Because I will work to be more adequate. And then I will be tempted to watch Real Housewives (which is realllly dirty, but addicting) and then I will have to try harder.

P.S.
I found this tonight while going through hospital pics.


haha

27 comments:

  1. Hi Ali, this is a beautiful post, I don't know anything about raising kids but from your warmth, good values and benevolent nature I can just sense that you are doing a far better than brilliant job. You seem like a mum any child would be lucky to have. Anyone who is selfless enough to spend time with orphans is the best type of mother material. You're so blessed to have went to Ecuador and done that - it is something I would dream of doing. You are an inspiration!

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  2. You're always so honest, and I love that about your blog. All you can do is your best. You and McKay are doing a great thing with Jax, and I am sure he is going to grow up into a strong, intelligent, caring man. Get it girl.

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  3. Ali ... Wow. What a gift you've given us with this post! It brought me to tears because I (and I'm sure most other mothers) so often struggle with wondering if I'm doing it "right."

    I was also the oldest at home, and though I had no trouble "mothering" my younger sisters, and I've always had a heart for the children of the developing world (the trip you took is a dream of mine!), I was TERRIFIED that being a mama wouldn't come naturally to me. I spent the better part of my pregnancy worrying that I wouldn't be able to love Maile the way she deserves.

    But the very fact that you even worry about yourself as a mama SHOWS what a wonderful mama you are!

    Hugs to you this weekend, sweet friend!

    And Merry Christmas.

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  4. What an amazing post!!! :) I just can't get over the suspenders too cute for words. Merry Christmas friend!!! :)

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  5. Ali, this is such a beautiful post.
    I think so many of us mama's go through those same feelings of wondering if we're doing things the "right" way.
    Jax is such a lucky little guy to have you for his mama.
    Have a very merry Christmas, friend!

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  6. Oh Ali! you are so cute. So real. so beautiful inside and out!!! i love your honest, genuine writing. every mom goes through this. in fact, last night i was getting in an argument with dan about how there are things we could/should be doing more with max cause he's starting to talk back and get attitude. really? already? ugh. motherhood is a bunch of ups and downs and yeah, i agree that if you're worried about how you're doing, you're probably doing just fine cause that shows you care. Anyway, you're a great mom and we love your little family and also.....loved your xmas card!! cutest!

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  7. Aww, this is such a beautiful post. I can't wait to be a mummy some day :-) glad I found your blog! xxx

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  8. This is such a sweet post. I can't related just yet, but fingers crossed, I'll be sharing these feelings too someday soon. Hope you and your family have a very happy holiday! xo.

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  9. Being a mother is one of the greatest blessings that you can have on this Planet. Hands down. Being a mother is the one thing in life that has brought me every feeling and emotion and showed me what real love is. This is a lovely post and your son is absolutely perfect!
    Tammy xx

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  10. what a beautiful post Ali. I am not a mom but reading this, I was able to see what you go through. Amazing.

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  11. This was such a beautiful post. I love every single word you said, Ali. Thank you for this. As a girl who hasn't really experienced those "Mom" feelings yet (but soon!! hopefully soon!) I needed to read this. And you are a beautiful person and a beautiful mom. Don't forget that.

    xo

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  12. First of all, little Jax's suspenders are too cute to handle ;) ...second, you are beautiful. Your honesty is beautiful. You are a fantastic mother, and all you can do is continue to try your best!

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  13. this is amazing. you are an amazing mom and jax will totally love reading this when he is older. plus, those pictures of him at shore are ADORABLE! :)

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  14. I love this post.
    I can definitely relate because being 4 months pregnant right now, I'm scared out of my mind that I won't be a good mom. But then I think about how God has entrusted this life to me, just like he did you with Jax.
    We may not be enough but God has our backs.
    And that's the best part.
    :)

    P.S. from what I can tell, just having these concerns shows how much you care and how awesome of a mom you already are.

    xoxox
    Sarai

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  15. Hi Ali..Wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas, may it be a joyous and blessed one!

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  16. too funny and too cute!
    love this pics!
    happy holidays Ali!

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  17. This post was so beautifully written. It's encouraging to sometimes hear the fears of mom's out there to even give those women out there who aren't mom's yet courage for that time in their lives.

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  18. This post brought tears to my eyes, beautifully written. What precious sweet children (and darling pictures)! - hope you had a fantastic Christmas!

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  19. Aww very well written indeed. This Christmas I got to watch my boyfriend play with his lil cousins and I got hit with this feeling of warmth and compassion and that urge to one day be a Mom. I'm not sure if I'm ready yet but I think I'm going to go through it like you...I'm definitely not perfect and it's going to rack my brain about it! From the lil time I've read your blog you seem like a wonderful & loving Mom! It's great inspiration for when my time comes one day!

    I hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas! =)

    Ergo - Blog

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  20. haha. I cannot stop laughing about that last picture. haha! And I don't have a baby, but I can relate in a strange way. I'm sure this is how I will feel, but I'm sure you're doing great. For one thing, that kid has a hilarious mama :) Which he might not appreciate when he's 15, but what can you do.

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  21. Oh, Ali...this is so sweet. And yes...you're doing it right...I just know it!! Jax is lucky to have you!

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  22. I love how honest you are, seriously it is lacking in our world.
    It's true...so often i find myself saying 'i really shouldn't be watching this' and continue to do so. Whenever i have my little cousins over i find myself thinking 'oh my gosh they cant' see that!!!'.
    <3
    You're doing a beautiful job.
    ALSO that last picture, hilarious.

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  23. What a beautiful and honest post!! You are doing a great job!! The best we can do is to try and to be there for our children!!
    XO,
    Zhanna
    www.lifeandbows.com

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  24. beautiful photos.
    http://xtheperfectmess.blogspot.com.au

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  25. Hi Dear, just wanted to wish you a fun, fulfilling and fabulous New Year... May it bring you lots of joy, success, love and good luck!

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