Some days I wonder if I am doing this right. The mom thing.
I always wanted to be one, and as the oldest sibling, I always felt like I was kinda "motherly." You know, when you're the oldest sister you feel like that. And I babysat sometimes, and held babies at church- and at college I stared at the young families and dreamt about the one I would have one day. And I always thought it would be easy. Well, not easy, but natural. Definitely natural.
At school I missed kids, and I always wanted to do something out of my comfort zone- out of the country, so I flew to Ecuador and cuddled orphan babies for two months.
In Ecuador it felt natural- as it did for many of the other girls there. And we learned to wipe bums with our bare hands and comfort three newborns at a time. And we felt something we never felt before- The mom feelings.
It's true, we felt like moms. And most of us left puffy-eyed and breathless- like we were leaving behind a piece of us. And we were, I think. That very first piece of our heart that ever loved someone more than we loved ourselves. The very first babies that gave us that feeling.
I went back to school ready. Ready to be a wife and a mom. I met McKay that semester. It felt right, it felt peaceful and that was that. We got married. I got pregnant. An Associates degree became enough (and it's still enough- just to throw that in there). Pregnancy was yuck. Horrible. But whatever- it was temporary. And in nine month's time I would have my baby boy in my arms that I had waited for...was totally and completely ready and prepared for. (ha!)
A MILLION mom feelings.
And a million questions. A million kisses. A million insecurities. A million happy tears. Lots of "come look what Jax is doing," and "Am I doing this right?" A few frustrations. Lots and lots of laughs. Some worries and hopes and lots and lots and LOTS of other things. And absolutely no comparisons- to anything I have ever, ever done. Ever. Because this is the best thing. And it's the hardest.
Because I am not perfect, but he is. And that is the predicament. That's the hardest thing- trying to raise a perfect, completely innocent, pure baby when you're just...not...AT ALL. It's hard. And sometimes I feel guilty because I know there is that thing I could be doing better. There are lots of things. And I look at Jax and think Self, in twenty years, what will you wish you would have done differently? Will you even remember how tired you were sometimes? Because you're really really tired...but don't you know that you shouldn't watch TV with your under-age-two-child?
But this is what I think: It doesn't matter. As long as I am doing my best (I think?) And as long as I am trying to be better. Like for example, I have cooked dinner more lately. So that is one area of progress. And tonight I turned off Friends- because it was a raunchy episode and I thought to myself, you know, this is not something that should be on in our home. So progress. Little things. And tomorrow I'll probably look at Jax and just get that inadequacy feeling- like I do every day. But it's good. Because I will work to be more adequate. And then I will be tempted to watch Real Housewives (which is realllly dirty, but addicting) and then I will have to try harder.
I found this tonight while going through hospital pics.