My Boys

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Today was just fun. We woke up, the sun was shining. Jax made everyone oatmeal, as he does most mornings lately. He brought a library book a couple weeks ago about how to make cookies. Before that I had taught him to make oatmeal, which I think gave him the idea that he could probably do more than just oatmeal. That week he made chocolate chip cookies almost entirely by himself that were better than mine. He has always been a little older than his age. In preschool his teacher would tell me, "If one of the kids don't know how to do something, I just say to them, 'Go ask Jax!" He often comes home from school with a list of names of friends to draw something for or make a funny folded accordion animal for. He wanted wontons so bad for dinner tonight and we had a bag from Costco of ones you could just heat in the microwave. He figured out how to do it, wet paper towel and all and made them for himself and both his brothers. McKay and I just sat at the table laughing and eating spaghetti. After he did that he cleared everyone's plates and helped his brothers get cleaned up. He is motivated when he is doing good and does it quietly and humbly just like his dad.

Last week we were sitting in Jax's car line, waiting for him to go out of school and Jonah was starting out his window at a girl sitting against the middle school wall. She had her knees folded up and her head on her knees and Jonah said to me, "It looks like that girl is having a hard day." I have always told Jonah he is my teddy bear because he gives the best hugs and is the best cuddler. I remember being sick when he was just a month old and holding him and feeling better right away. I think one of his special gifts is empathy and the ability to know what to do to help. I told him how great he is at making other people feel better and he told me he is "going to be a helper when I grow up." He tried to get out of the car to check on the girl, but before he could get to her she got up and walked away. A couple days later, we were in Seattle and waiting in traffic he noticed a woman pulling a suitcase that looked like she was in a rough part of life. Jonah said she looked like she was having a hard time and her face looked red and sad. I am amazed at what he notices and what he is drawn to. He is full of emotions and often times I get frustrated at how quickly he gets frustrated. I have to remember how quickly he loves.

Okay Cash. I want to kiss his face all day long. I am learning about hope and trust and why I have been hesitant to let myself feel love all the way- to let myself fall fully back into being his mom. It's because the doubting, faithless part of me is scared it will be taken away again. But I know it won't. I don't have to be careful to not let us get back into our groove completely. It can be compete and better than it was before. I am seeing myself more every day how I used to see myself and before where there was confidence in myself that broke whenever I couldn't accomplish what I thought I should, there is now confidence in the Savior- Who knows my children, knows me, and who's grace makes up for everything that I am not. All the time I have missed, all the moments I stumble, or fall short, or struggle through, He is there and his grace somehow gives my children this perception of me that I am exactly what they need, imperfect as that may be. But there, and always was there. Even if there had to be a few gaps. Grace fills the gaps. That's what I've felt with Cash lately. We were walking out of Jonah's school today and he was holding my hand and I realized, this is normal. He's mine. I'm his.