For the Time I Missed

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I missed too many nights with you

Too many nights in a big bed without you and you were sleeping on a pile of blankets on your grandma’s floor

Sometimes I feel like you aren’t all the way mine

Like I didn’t put in the time to earn the title

Of all-the-way mom to you

I’m part of a mom to you but for a little while, 

You had other moms.

There’s a gap I can’t fill. A time I wasn’t carrying you on my hip or nursing you or 

Talking to you while I cooked dinner or drove

As you sat in my backseat

I remember after I found out, I picked you up out of your car seat and you laid on my shoulder. You were eleven months and squirmy- always wanting to get down or crawl or look around. This time, you laid on my shoulder and didn’t move until I moved. And I didn’t move. We just stood there on the driveway in the sun. Your fingers were probably in my hair that would be gone within the next couple months. Your head on my shoulder that would become a lot less comfortable. My arm held you and soon I wouldn’t be able to carry you for six long weeks, and more. 

But that April day we stood in the driveway and started to make up for time that would be lost. 

Two years have passed. Next month is another April.

I pushed you around in a cart today and held you on my hip. You played with my hair. 

You talked to me and didn’t stop as we ran errands and picked up your brothers. You asked for “green gum” about twenty times.

Even though you’re with me, I miss you.

I’m making up for lost time. Some days it feels like I’ll never catch up.

Today I was rushing from one store to the next with you as we hurried to do returns before dinner. I was putting you in your car seat and we paused in the parking lot. You put your head on my shoulder. I held you close. 

We are still making up for lost time.