At the beginning of this week I just felt a little off. Life is slowly getting back to normal and as weird as this sounds I kind of miss my "sick" life. Well, two things- lying in bed and cuddling with my kids all the time and reading my scriptures all the time. Really, those are the two things that make me the happiest. I thought I missed going to the grocery store and cleaning my house...but I didn't! haha. Just kidding. I am loving kinda being back into mom mode. Radiation is every day so I need a babysitter every day, but other than that, I am doin my job! I still haven't gotten the hang of it completely. I am tired easier and patient for a shorter time span than my normal self, but I'm getting there. It's so good to be getting energy back. Just in time for the holidays. I have been trying to figure out how to achieve the happiness and peace I was feeling while going through my hard treatments, in normal life. It's silly how going back into normal life has eased me back into having expectations for myself based on what other people are doing. The great thing about being sick all the time and bald is that you don't compare yourself to anyone. You are so much less pretty and fit and doing basically nothing so expectations just blow away in the wind. It's seriously so awesome. I was proud of myself for the smallest thing I could do. My standard for myself was based on myself. Not anyone else. It is the best way to live. It really was the coolest experience. Like Heavenly Father let me live in this alternate life for a while and showed me what life could be like when I didn't care about appearance, expectation, competition, or anything else that brings unhappiness. I am so grateful to have had that (this) experience. It changed me. I'm a different person. Now the challenge is staying in that place with all the distractions of the world. Picking the best ways to spend my time. Constantly reminding myself what matters and what doesn't.
I found out I could just listen to my scriptures being read to me in my car to and from radiation. It's been so great because scripture study makes all the difference. The Book of Mormon is such a source of power and I am so grateful to have it. I find myself getting answers to questions in my mind and even solving problems as I am reading or listening to them. Sometimes it seems to have nothing to do with what I'm even reading. I love the scriptures. I love this time of year. I love that I got to go through something this year that brought me closer to Christ. That allowed me to understand a little more about what He did for every single person on earth. This year was a year full of light, happiness, and peace. When I find myself getting overwhelmed with things I could be doing- traditions I could be starting, things I could be baking, or presents I should be buying- I try to remind myself what this season is all about. The birth of a sweet baby who was born in a manger and went on to change the course of every human life who has ever and will ever life. I felt closer to Him this year and every time I drift from that feeling I want to get back. I am so grateful for life on earth. For the opportunities it brings with it. I don't want to get distracted by dumb things that don't matter.
Tonight Jonah and I went and got some Christmas stuff done. That guy. I am so in love with him. He is seriously the grossest eater but I am so obsessed with him I was just hugging him with my face in his neck while he was eating. I didn't even care that he was chewing with his mouth open and food was probably dripping down his chin. I just love that kid. I love all my kids. But Jonah tonight I just wanted to SQUEEZE.
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