Always

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I spend so much time during the day hoping to remember specifics- Jonah's chubby face and the way his lips move when he talks. His high, sometimes piercing voice. The way Jax looks at me when he wants to show me something- adamant and frustrated if I don't look right away. How creative he is. Always building or creating or planning. Cash's hands and knees moving across the hardwood, usually accompanied by whining and reaching little arms- up to wherever I am.

By the end of the day I'm exhausted. Usually regretful. Usually going over like a million things I could have done better. Usually debating how i'll spend the next three precious hours before I go to sleep and soon woken again by a gentle cry or the sound of three-year-old feet padding across my bedroom carpet. I'm usually brain dead. I don't want to think. I have all these plans during the day- plans of stuff I'll do when the kids go to bed. Getting organized. Getting stuff in order. Doesn't happen. I can't think.

But I am always fulfilled. Always. Every night as I sit on the couch exhausted, regretting, hoping, brain dead- whatever. I am always so fulfilled. And grateful. So grateful that every morning I wake up to the sound of my children (whatever sounds those may be). And that I get to spend my entire day  feeding them, cleaning them, teaching them and hugging them, kissing scrapes and pouring milk and breaking up fights. Walking up stairs to look at lego towers and buckling little car seat straps over tiny chests. Feeling arms around my neck and fingers on my face and playing with their hair and lips.

Jax was so cute yesterday. Yesterday was May 1st and I said, Jax! Do you know what today is? It's May day! We can pick flowers and leave them on people's porch and ring their doorbells and run away! That was in the morning. A little while later the boys were outside. I was kind of going in and out and I heard our doorbell ring. I opened the door and saw little purple flowers on the porch. I brought them in and didn't think anything of it because Jax leaves me little surprises all the time. Anyways- much much later, McKay got home and Jax told him that it was May Day and that he left flowers for me on the porch because it was May Day.

Jax and Jonah are so funny lately. They fight A LOT. But they love each other A LOT. They are both in soccer so today we practiced in the front yard. Jax was going "easy" on Jonah. Jax could have played soccer for hours, but Jonah got bored and wanted to ride his bike. It is so fun finding out what they love. Jax is so into building, creating, working on specific skills, being a leader. Jonah loves cars, planes, being active. He takes all my tupperware round lids and makes them into frisbees. Both boys love music. Jax can play by ear. Both boys love books. Jonah's favorite book is I Spy. He could play for hours.

I don't hate it that they are growing anymore. I used to have such a hard time with it. Now I just enjoy every single day. I love watching them learn. I love learning what they like. I love how different they are. I love love this time of my life. I am so grateful I get to be a mom.